Hospital again

Feel like I’ve been gettting pretty familiar with the hospital lately.

It was quite scary, seeing someone motionless, and in the ambulance speeding away every second ticking not knowing if each second would take a little bit of life away.

I heard her screaming, I couldn’t tell if it was from fear or pain, or maybe both, but as I sat in the front I felt like I never prayed so desperately to God before in my life.

“Please keep her safe, please keep her safe, please keep her safe, God please, please”

I couldn’t think of anything else.

Life is so fragile. One day you could be here and the next day gone. 

As I looked back through the plastic shield, watching the paramedics tend to her, I couldn’t help but think , “that could have been me.”

“What if something really bad happens?”

I’ve lived life assuming that no matter what happens, or how bad something may seem, somehow things will turn out alright.

And that’s what happened. My grandma is now back to her old lively self, my parents aren’t divorced, vic didn’t take her own life, I’ve thought of all the worse case scenarios without necessarily accepting that they may actually, really happen. Somehow, it’ll be alright.

This time round was a close shave too. A close shave of destruction to the norm.
When will my time come for my faith to be tested? 

Somehow, I just couldn’t pray for healing, I just couldn’t pray for the best possible outcome, I couldn’t pray for a miracle.

I just wanted to be prepared for the worst.

But is that wrong? Was I not having enough faith? 

I’ve always just told myself that God could allow either to happen, the best and the worst, and that was not up to me to pray for. What if I prayed for a total miracle of healing (which pastor and her dad did), but it did not come? I felt like the only thing I could pray for was faith despite the worst. Because that’s the only thing I know God will certainly grant if asked for.

I just couldn’t bring myself to pray for a miracle.

But that felt wrong too. Somehow.
Yet, in my most desperate point of the night, alone in the ambulance, lost and fearful, I could do nothing but beg for a miracle.

It has been quite a while since I felt so desperate for God to do something, to intervene, to stop a fate that may have been planned already. 

And I really want to know just how faithful I am. But this wish would require me to go through something horrible, and dark. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for that.

I feel a little scared, because I feel like I’ve been having so many close shaves. Like destruction taunting me and teasing me, “I’m coming for you next.”

In the room, her dad kept reciting psalm 91, and I don’t know why I just couldn’t control the tears coming out of my eyes.

I hadn’t really teared up much the entire night, but at that point, hearing him recite it over and over again, although he was calm and collected in the way he spoke, I could feel the desperation in holding onto the word truly like a sword of the spirit, to fight off his fears, and his doubts.

I think that was what moved me.

I was a bit skeptical of his over positivity like the cynic in me, I thought it was simply a phase of complete denial, he kept saying things will be alright everything will be okay, he kept uttering tongues with the belief that they had healing power, he proclaimed that God will heal her as she had done nothing wrong.

But I just couldn’t help thinking, what if things didn’t go well? Because I know they can.

But at that moment, I really felt the power of the word of God. Despite the cynic in me, somehow it was an anchor that stopped me from thinking too negatively. Although her physical body may be suffering, I know that God is a protector of souls first of all.

And to me that was enough.

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Dissonance

Feel like I’ve been overanalysing the music I hear everyday to the point where I’ve lost the feeling of just being emersed in the rythmn and the notes playing with each other swinging highs and lows, the beauty of just being in the song.

Songs that make you see sunsets or murky waters, a night time city landscape or just a whir of memories.

I tried just forgetting about analysing how each song was put together, I think I managed to for a while but then I went back to trying to pick out what part was playing what and in which ear and how prominent it was, things like that. 

Maybe it’s because it feels like I’m not escaping anymore. I don’t need to escape, I don’t need to indulge in a certain emotion. 

Speaking of emotion and music, I wanna talk about dissonance.

I’m like a walking manifestation of pure dissonance.

I don’t know what to do with it. 

Forever 

Just suddenly had this fear of time, how it’s so easily wasted, how it trickles away so slowly that you can’t even feel it. 

It feels like I have a whole ocean of time left. 

I can’t imagine a future when time will end, in which it will, because when time becomes infinite, that’s when it ends too.

A time when a state goes on forever and ever. Somehow I feel scared by that instead of assured. It’s just such a massive thing to comprehend, that something can go on, forever. Something that will never end, ever. 

I think I felt scared because I didn’t focus on what state this would be. And I didn’t think about God being in this forever. The concept of forever without God, without promises, without security, without love, that’s just insane. Yet many people will eventually end up existing in such a forever. 

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to not exist.

But I don’t have this right. People die all the time, spiritually. I’m just another fish in the ocean, I could have been one of the fishes caught in a current going the wrong way.

It’s like, in order for us to freely choose to love, people will also be destined to die. Destined in a sense that death is in their destiny. And nothing can change that because they chose it.

How much of our choices are really because of who we are? 

I’m scared of a future forever without some people in my life now. 

Death will be as real as it gets then, because I’ll never see those people ever again. 

I feel like I had reached a point somewhere where I just didn’t care anymore about other people’s eternities. “It’s all just their own choice, they wanted it.” 

Almost to the point where I’d be at peace even knowing that these people would choose an eternity without life.

“Maybe they wouldn’t be happy in heaven anyways, since they don’t find happiness in God here on earth.”

“It’s all for the best.”

Was I heartless? Was I cold? To have thought these things.

I haven’t felt that pain of possibly losing someone forever in a while. Guess I haven’t thought about forever in a while either.

Now, Death is a stranger to me. I’ve never known it, I’ve never heard it. I’ve only seen it from afar. 

One day it will come and brush arms with me. One day it will grip me by the hand, and dig its nails into my arms. And one day it will caress me into a deep sleep.

One day death will be my friend, and I certainly don’t want it to be an enemy. 

Fate/Determinism/Human Will

Are you a fatalist? Does it matter if Fatalism is true? Take a stand. Argue.

Since the time of ancient civilization, people have been obsessed with fate. From the Chinese and the Mayans who looked to the stars in search of information about future events, to the horoscopes of the West in explaining personality and predicting fate, humans have tried out all sorts of ways to figure out where time would take them.

Although we use the terms fate and destiny interchangeably, the two have quite different approaches in examining how life unfolds. Fate is often regarded as something that is given or assigned by a higher power, with it being something humans having no control over. Destiny, or rather how the destination of events is determined is a matter of logical causality rather than an influence of a higher power. This is known as determinism. Determinism looks more towards the nature of how events play out; just like how one domino pushes another, everything that happens is caused or determined by things that have already happened. In a sense, this would mean that it’s possible for every event in the future to be predicted and worked out.

The significance of the fatalism/determinism debate seems to lie in whether we actually have any hand at all to play in writing the story of our lives – can we truly be held responsible for whatever we do? Has our future already been written in stone by some kind of higher power, or are we just mere dominos playing out a sequence of events from an initial push, falling into place? In this essay I will focus on discussing why I believe it is still possible to be held responsible for our actions in spite of the possibility of a higher power pulling the strings of fate, and also despite the influence of past events.

Suppose that an omnipotent God was real, transcending time and space, with the ability to know of and control anything, would humanity have any choice at all in influencing their fate? I believe that the answer lies in knowing the nature and intentions of this God. Some argue that it would be contradictory to call God omnipotent, and yet believe that humans have the power to control their own fates; if God was all powerful, nothing would be out of his control, including that of the will of humans, and if nothing was out of his control, then everything must be under his control. However I believe this argument to be invalid. Complete power does not have to equate to complete control. Although the fate of humanity may eventually be in the hands of God, it is also perfectly logical to say that an omnipotent God could allow space for humans to make decisions of their own that he simply chooses not to control. God can still be omnipotent as he can still be in control of an ultimate destination despite the choices that humans may make. For example, at a fork in a road, humans have the power to decide whether to turn left or right, however, God decides where each road would lead eventually. I believe this interplay between the free will of humans and the will of God exists in this nature, and as such, that humans can still be held responsible for their individual choices despite that of a higher power possibly being in control of fate.

Now onto the matter of determinism. One might argue that every choice and action taken by a person can be traced back by some logical causality right down to the beginning of the universe, and as a result, maintain that one’s choices are simply an illusion. Everything has to be caused by an antecedent event in order for it to have happened, just like how every domino in a domino chain would move only because the previous domino had fallen on it in the first place. It sounds ridiculous to say that the domino chose to fall on its own free will, because it is obvious that something else had caused it to fall. In the same way, humans have no real choice, and are simply acting according to a ripple effect that started since the beginning of time.

I believe that determinism should not be limited to the view of humans having any no ability at all to ‘choose’. Every effect has a cause, and in a deterministic universe, humans can play a part in eliciting a causal chain of events as well. Although I believe that the universe operates in a cause-effect way similar to how dominos can influence one another, I also believe that it is not just a single domino chain of events. Rather, the universe is a complex system of an almost infinite number of domino chains, and not all domino chains fall at the same time across the history of the universe. Our lives are made up of many chains all at once, some chains are caused by events happening way before our time, whereas other chains have not started yet and are sitting still, ready for our push. Some chains will never fall because we never choose to push them, whereas other chains will be pushed regardless of whether we want them to or not because it is a chain that had already been pushed before, possibly by someone else.

This is my theory on how the existence of fate, the deterministic nature of how the universe operates, and also the power of human choices work together in the unfolding of the universe.

I feel so emotionally sick that I physically feel like puking, I’m so sick of things inside me but I don’t even know exactly what is filling me up. 

I feel soulless, and I can’t get up.

I have no energy to deal with this

I think I’m starting to hate myself 

I feel so repulsed by myself

Forgiveness 

Okay, after thinking about it, I’ve decided to act like I never heard anything.

At least he tried to keep it to himself with whatever limited capacity he had to control his anger.

At least he didn’t scream at me directly this time.

I’m going to assume that he didn’t intend for me to hear any of this.

And anyways, what he’s doing now is no different from the times I swore at him in my head out of anger and frustration.

Sometimes we end up hating the people we love. But love eventually overcomes that.

Which I guess is what’s been happening. 

I know that I’m not completely hated.

But just hated for the time being.

Maybe another reason why I didn’t really bawl my eyes out or cry like mad this time round is also because I know I really didn’t do anything wrong.
I said everything calmly and reasonably. 

Maybe that’s why he didn’t swear at me directly to my face too.

It’s gonna be hard acting like I don’t know anything though.

I really need God’s grace and mercy, just like how God would forgive me for my own hatred and anger, I need to forgive too.

I’d rather you say fuck you straight to my face rather than ranting about it to my mom for the entire night.

“Fuck this and fuck that fucking everything” every single sentence about me was peppered with fuck yous.

“I don’t want to see her fucking face”

Yes, I can hear everything. Honestly you’re not even trying.

Somehow I could listen calmly, and I even wanted to hear all those things behind a closed door.

I’d rather know what was really going on.

Now it’s just a matter of how I can dissolve this anger in a psychologically healthy way.

I feel surprisingly calm. But I can feel it there, something.

Maybe it isn’t really about being calm. It’s just a dead feeling.

Why?

Would being able to control exactly how you feel ever be a bad thing?

Then we’d never ever have to feel conflicted. 

But I guess sometimes we have to, because we don’t know what’s best for us.

I guess that’s why its separated, what we want and what we feel. Being able to control what we feel is like holding a magnet to a compass. 

It makes no sense.

I’ve never been someone who had good emotional control.

Whenever I felt like crying I wouldn’t be able to stop myself no matter how badly I wanted to. When I feel angry I’d feel so much churning inside me, I have to let it out in a punch or some forceful way.

When I feel scared I’ll scream. When I feel dead I can’t force myself to be lively.

Sometimes I really wish I could control it. Some people do it really well. 

Especially crying. I hate crying in front of people. But I do it so often. 

But there’s a whole mess inside me now, tangled up, guilt mostly, frustration, self- pity, disgust, anger, loss, and sadness.

Feel like this is the one mess I’ve been able to repress somehow inside, and it comes spilling out every once in a while.

I just wanna yell “dissociate!” Like a Harry Potter spell (it’s not a real Harry Potter spell) and split it away from me. 

I’ve prayed for it to go away, but it’s always there. It feels like a part of me now. Like it’ll never leave me, ever.

Why? 

Uncertainty and Understanding

Been questioning so many things lately, especially about the nature of how to decide what’s right and wrong.

Yes, morality is objective, but morality applied seems to be subjective. The best way to do good things seems like such a personal thing. What’s good is for certain. But how we go about achieving this good and making good decisions, now that’s completely up for debate. 

As a result I’ve come to settle on intentions in deciding if a choice should be made. 

Yet I’m still uncertain if that’s the right perspective to take. See the irony there?

The future is, as it should be, the most uncertain. Genetic science seems almost too God-like yet science was given to us for the use of good right? Science is a resource of the Earth. 

Where’s the line to draw between what man can decide and what God intended? Where’s the line between fate and free will? One could say that abortion was messing with God’s planned fate for this person, yet God in all His sovereignty could have also intended for the death of this unborn baby to come to be (for reasons we’ll never understand, or maybe for a lesson learnt or a passion to be invoked). 

When do we intervene and when do we not? We do our best to heal and to rid the world of disease and disabilities, but somehow when it comes to using genetic science to do it all of a sudden it’s messing with God’s design and plans. 

We have the power to kill the unborn, and now we have the power to bring about opportunities for life once denied to a couple through IVF.

Is that wrong then? A couple supposedly fated to be barren, now able to have a child through IVF seems to deal with the same issue as a couple fated to give birth yet allowed a change in fate. 

I don’t think we create life though. Yeah we may enable an opportunity for it, we may place the sperm and the egg together, but the essence of life is a power from God. I kinda imagine it to be God flowing through every genetic transference and every cell division. His power enables all these things to happen. That’s how he creates life – Through science in the limitedness of how we understand it.

Somehow not really understanding doesn’t matter as much to me as I thought it would, and I’m glad. I won’t be able to understand everything. But I just have to have faith in knowing that God is in control. 

‪I used to think that faith was about logic and understanding, but now I understand that it’s really about humility, and knowing that there are some things that you just won’t understand .

Lonely 

I’ve been feeling rather lifeless lately.

It’s a continuous cycle of being in a state of “Being with people is so tiring ” over the weekend and “I miss my friends” in school.

In between classes I’ll just walk alone off to the next thing I have to do with music on, and I’d look around and everyone looks like they’ve got someone. How do they even find these people? Every class is just a room filled with strangers, and you kinda just do your own thing.

I wish I had a class with the social work people. But everyone has different schedules and I feel like I’m drifting away from them (they planned to be in the same class, while I on the other hand just planned whatever I wanted).

Somehow I’m okay with that. Not having friends. But also I’m not okay with it. It’s strange, I’ve never not had friends in a school before. 

I can’t imagine not having friends in life. It’s just such a lonely thing. To not have anyone to get excited with, or be angsty to, or to just hang out and eat, and talk about all sorts of thoughts. 

But then I tell myself, I’ve managed to get a few pretty good ones, I think they’ll last for life.

Somehow though, I’ve had less and less an urge to talk to people on a daily basis. I’m alright with just keeping to myself. 

Is this a life stage? Where you’ve bounced off enough people that you’re all good to go to roll off on your own? 

Learnt enough, gained enough, gave enough in friendships that you don’t really rely on them as much anymore?

They’re now simple pleasures rather than daily necessities. This seems to be the case for adulthood.

I used to feel anxious over who I would eat lunch with the next day in poly, now I’m perfectly alright just not really knowing, and eating alone. 

I still feel like life just isn’t as colourful as before. Just functional. 

I only look forward to Mondays with gen. and science fiction lectures. Hmmmmm.

OH yes another thing, I feel like I’m relying so much on music to fill the space. I don’t know if it’s too much reliance. But it’s strange how music can mean so much. It’s just like a bunch of random sounds and rhythms and yet it feels so comforting and you feel less lonely with it.