Fear and anger

Fear and anger seem to go remarkably well.

I had to hide in the cupboard to calm down because I couldn’t close the damned door.

Just the feeling of being in the same air as that person made me feel so sick.

I want to escape but I can’t.

Cry out but what’s the point no one will hear me or help.

I have visions of killing my self or cutting myself and I hate it, but more than that I’m scared.

Hospital

My grandma just got admitted to hospital. Honestly, I’m not sure how serious it is. No one’s really telling me much. My mom said that it might be some kind of infection. When I heard the doorbell ring, my parents and my grandpa came back, but not my grandma. I was expecting her to be there but she wasn’t. 

Ivy’s mom passed away in a matter of months after she was admitted to hospital. After a whole day of trying not to think about it, suddenly I’m scared. Will I ever go out with my grandma again? How long do I have left? Why do we only treasure things and show people that we treasure them only when there’s a little time left or even if it’s too late?

My parents asked me to choose a book for her to read. And I looked at all my books, wondering what would be nice. And I decided on the time keeper.

The doctors are still testing what’s going on. But I can’t seem to feel like it’s serious. I know we all die one day, but I just can’t imagine my grandparents going. I just can’t. 

But I can’t let these worries fill my head.

I don’t know what to think.

Diseased

It’s not the first time that I’ve felt this way. All of a sudden, I feel sick, like emotionally sick, a little bit of fear, guilt, disappointment, sadness, and a stabbing pain – a slow kind. It kind of just creeps into my heart, worming its way through like some sort of infestation spreading its diseased roots all over inside me.

That’s how it feels like.

And sometimes it gets to the point where I start heaving. 

I listened to a song by Charlie Lim (how typical) on the bus today and I suddenly got hit by it. And then again today while I was just eating dinner, I had to stop and go to the toilet.

I don’t know what this is. 

And then I feel like writing a song about it. I think this is what I do with my pain – freudianly speaking. Sublimation. 

Recently I’ve been really feeling this strong urge to write songs.

I feel like I can only create things when I’m sad. Which is kind of sad.

But it’s not like I have anything to be sad about. It’s just that I get these flashes of sadness every now and then. They feel like flashbacks, but with no visions. Maybe they’re just emotional flashbacks. 

I feel like I’ve accepted that these feelings will always be here somewhere in my unconsciousness, like they’re a part of me. 

 I don’t actually want them to disappear. Is that weird? 

Airport

When you step into the airport it’s such a cool feeling, this huge open space, the echo of people hustling by, luggage wheels going clickity clack and my favourite part – that huge signboard showing all the flights and destinations. I especially like the analog kind, with letters printed on plastic cards, they whirl into whatever is supposed to be spelled. It was really fun watching the cards flip into place just like magic. The digital boards don’t really have the same charm.

The world is just so big yet so small. You could hop onto the other side of the planet in less than a day, but looking out of the plane window, the horizon is barely curved, little lights flickering below, it’s amazing how this one huge hunk of metal can go hurtling through the air so fast that it actually flies.

I was actually up there, above the clouds, that’s amazing to just think about.

Back to the board again. There’re just so many places you could go. Like any of these places being spelled out, all you need is that ticket.

It’s always nice to have somewhere to go. 

Shepard’s Retreat

It’s been a good three days since we came back from retreat but I think I remember most of it so here goes.

I felt a little queasy at the start. No not because of the motion sickness. It felt like social anxiety. (Recently I’ve been having bouts of it. Like today, I felt it too when I had to meet new people). I guess I felt a little out of it, like when a group of people are laughing about something I don’t get I’ll feel like I’m in a daze. Sometimes their chatter just becomes a whirr in the background. A part of me wishes I could be in it and another part of me doesn’t.

I’ll admit I felt a bit negative about Retreat. That it’ll be just me being alone most of the time (I downloaded so many songs in preparation), or that it’ll be extremely tiring. But I really enjoyed myself. We learned loads of things, and the sermons are the kind of sermons that stay around in your head forever. Well at least some main points. I got to spend a lot of time with jairia raymynnlynn and Anna, which honestly we don’t get to do very often since we’re split up. It was really nice being with them.

When we came, I was so happy that there was one empty room right at the end just for us all to ourselves, little did I realise that it was left empty for a reason. It. Was. Right. Next. To the. Karaoke speakers. Ha hahaha ha. At night the bass just travels straight through the floor and into your bones smacking you right in the brain. 

The second night it was pretty noisy. So we went out to the back part of the house, where there was this large patio overlooking there sea. And you could climb up this flight of stairs into an open space with just the sky above and the sea spreading out below you. And there were a handful of stars sprinkled here and there. We watched this other family light up a red lantern and they set it free, it floated all the way high into the sky and it just disappeared.

Bro Lucas came over too, he went over to the other far side of the patio and lay down with his legs sticking out from the railings and he played some music from his speaker. Guess he really needed some alone time. 

Meanwhile, we went to the other side and stuck our legs out too, and we let them hang over the sea, with the metal bars protecting us from a certain wet death.

I asked them what their biggest takeaway from Retreat was but we never really got round to answering that. I can’t really remember what we talked about.

OH yes. One thing I did learn was about how bad stereotypes are. Lots of people stereotype us as those quiet girls that need lots of pushing and don’t do much. I realised that. Haha. I mean it’s not wrong that we are quiet, we are, but it’s bad when someone assumes that’s all of an identity that we have. We are nothing else as people other than, “those quiet girls who don’t do much.”

I won’t name any names. Someone asked me and Anna, “So, why are you guys always so quiet? Is it because you don’t know what to say, or like you think it’s not worth saying out?”

I got a little riled up about it. “I mean, if all of us were talking it’d be chaotic right? Some of us have to be quiet. If it’s quiet we’ll talk more, if it’s noisy, we’ll talk less, it’s a balance.”

But this person kept pushing the idea that we think our thoughts are worthless or that we don’t have any thoughts to say. Which was a little, well it felt degratory. Almost. “It’s not that we don’t have anything in our heads, it’s just we don’t feel the need to say it all the time.”

I said something along those lines. I mean, we can’t all be super hyper and talkative and jokey, you know?

Someone else said something to Raylynn that made her super pissed too, it affected her so much she just walked away from the table. I can’t remember exactly what, but it was some assumption about what they did in their free time that was insulting. Like just because they are quiet, that they wouldn’t have… something I really can’t remember. 

And someone said also, “OH they these kind of people (CONTEXT: quiet, hence no initiative) need someone to help them take the food for them” during dinner, and jairia just grabbed her food herself immediately. I thought it was quite funny. But yeah, these kinds of negative stereotypical remarks, were pretty …. haha ha. I felt mostly disappointed. Slightly, and dryly amused. 

I think some people think we’re being exclusive too. That we’re always hanging out in our group, but honestly, if one of us had an outgoing and sociable personality no one would think that way. Sometimes I get the feeling that people just find us completely boring. And their attempts to interact with us feel forced. Only SOME people, you can tell who are genuinely interested. 

But anyways, point is, I don’t want to do the same to others. I’m not a newcomer when it comes to stereotyping. I readily assume certain traits are bound to others when that may not be true. And also I want tonne genuinely interested in people. Because people can tell.

People tend to favour out-going socialites, who make lots of jokes and always look happy. Maybe that’s why I feel so cynical about large groups of people who constantly keep laughing and talking. Maybe it’s even bitterness. Like I don’t want to be one of you guys because loud people tend to look down on quiet people. And EVERY single one of us felt that at a certain point during this retreat because of what someone said/assumed.

And I don’t even consider myself as that quiet a person either ways. If there’s something that needs to be said I’ll say it. I’m not the kind that would fuss much about what people would think of me if I spoke out. I get excited over debates. I love saying my point of view. But that’s only if there’s a space for me to put it out there. 

We were talking about it on the last night, if we should tell someone about how we felt. It felt like an issue that needed to be raised up. I mean, it’s really not a nice feeling to be in the receiving end of such remarks. But then again, what if we were all just overly sensitive? What if saying such things spark some kind of tension? I don’t think we’ll ever raise it up unless it happens one more time.

These few incidences didn’t help resolve my growing cynicism towards church at all. Right now there are only a handful of leaders I really trust, and that’s quite a bad thing. 

And honestly I’m not sure if I’m being cautious and practical or if I’m just being judgy and unreasonable. 

Last Supper

Really wanted to write about today because it was a good day

“Played” basketball with Sam and Lum in the morning, and I’m already feeling the muscle aches coming on. Basketball is probably my worst sport, you have to be all cool and intimidating to play it right hahaha. Lum was a really good coach, he taught us a lot about basketball. Some ACS Barker kids came and wanted to challenge him because he was just that good. Some people just effortlessly look cool, I guess it’s because they make it look so effortless that it looks cool.

I think I improved a lot, managed to score some pretty decent shots, but I probably looked like a spazzing flamingo while I was at it.

After that Sam and I went to get party supplies for our class dinner. Well, it’s really more of a “last supper” kind of thing because Matt is going into the land of Tekong this friday, and it’ll probably be the last time we’ll ever eat his cooking (or see him) in the next two years. We came quite early so we just chilled in Matt’s music room, it was quite fun, think we were in there for a good solid hour.

And then we helped Matt with cutting tomatoes (that’s about as much cooking as we did, really). And slowly everyone started coming in.

I’m actually quite surprised so many people turned up. Our class isn’t exactly bonded, but I guess we do enjoy each other’s company. It’s special, it doesn’t really feel like a normal class. I’m not sure what it is about everyone. Everyone’s just so unique, and Oh I think it’s because it’s always Classy. haha get it – Our class is really classy. We don’t drink, or gossip, or anything much really. We just chill. And everyone’s so nice.

Dinner was amazing as usual. I had the best balsamic vingegar I’ve ever tasted in my life, and Matt used olive oil he got from some dude in isreal (He saw the oil being pressed into the bottle right in front of his very eyes). So cool. There was BBQ beef, chicken, tomato salsa, some salad with pine nuts. Oh yes, the pine nuts. I think they made it into my all time favourite nuts list (second to walnut). Apparently it tastes like bacon when toasted AND IT DID. It was sooooo goooood. And we also had mushroom.

Gen and I danced a little along to “South” by hippocampus. By dance, I mean waving around awkwardly in a hotline bling kinda way. Good music just makes memories so much more colourful. Kinda like a movie soundtrack.

Angel brought this really delicious chocolate cake. And after that we played cards against humanity. We laughed so much. So inappropriately. Hahaha. ha.

Our class’ humour basically goes along the lines of finding anything to do with incest, dead babies, racism, and religion funny.

Sera and Marina won. Which was totally unexpected. They are the kind of quiet, shy girls, and I only really got to know them well last year.

I love our class so much. I’m really just gonna miss having them as part of daily life. I wish  had more years with them, I want more time to get closer to all of them.

As I write this it feels bittersweet. More of sweet than bitter really. I’ll always look back and remember colourful, fun memories. And lovely people.

Sam was pretty sad about how he’ll probably never see our classmates much.

Things will definitely change. As we go on with our lives there’ll be so much less common ground. Relationships change, but that doesn’t mean that they have to end.

Different 

Hmmmm… where do I start.

Jairia just randomly texted me a screenshot of an old post I wrote, and that’s how I ended up looking back at this place.

It’s strange, reading things from the past. Like I’m reading someone else’s thoughts because I feel different now.

I’m a lot happier. Less cringey (I hope). Less desperate to prove something I guess.

Hey ho I’m turning 20 this year. That’s about a quarter of my life used up already. I think one thing I treasure about these posts is that there was a moment, that specific slot of time where I was typing something, and I felt those things. Memories age like wine in terms of worth don’t they. 

And as I mentioned to jairia, my brain feels more like mashed potatoes these days. (Or the past year) that’s partly why I don’t really write things anymore. Other than poems. But amazingly, I realised that I treasured my random ramblings more than some painstakingly crafted poem. 

And honestly, I feel like I’ve forgotten loads of things. People always bring up memories I don’t remember. And it’s like they didn’t even exist at all. And I don’t have people to tell me about all my memories. There’s only me.

Things are really different. So different. I’m different. 

I’m going to be starting my first year in university this year. How weird is that? Gotta make new friends again, get into the flow of things. Yet it feels like it’s still a far stretch into the future.

I feel like our twenties are a time of constant change, and decision making. It’s when you have to make all your major life decisions. Pretty scary stuff. 

Think I wanna write more. I saw my grandfather writing in this diary a couple of times. I sneaked a peak at it, and I think it was just about things he did in that day. What he ate. I saw our names. I wondered if he was keeping track of his days in case he forgets. Since he doesn’t really believe in God, his memories are everything. 

OH yes. There is something that I’d want to record down. Last week during service, I went up for the altar call. It was about my family. And I feel like I’ve been suppressing a lot of things regarding them. Feelings mainly. Sadness, mostly. I was just suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, because my grandpa doesn’t really believe in God yet and my dad is slowly (or quickly) slipping away too. It felt like I just suddenly remembered that they are my family. 

My father and grandfather. Family.

And the thought of not seeing them in eternity, for almost the first time in my life, I felt so much sadness. And grief. I think there was a little grief mixed in there. I wouldn’t know. No one close to me has died before.

I cried so hard for the first time in… months. Okay that’s not that far off haha.

Am I a sad person in general? Just constantly not too happy and upbeat. I feel my energy being sucked away by people who appear to be way too happy and carefree.

But apparently I appeared that way to some classmates in poly. Raj thought that I was a happy person.

I am happy. Now. But I always feel this constant gnawing in the back of my mind. A certain confliction. Kinda pulling me back and anchoring me into the sea of sadness even though I’ve set foot ashore on paradise island, with swaying palm trees and constant sunlight. 

Maybe I’m not that different after all.

I feel like… there are a lot of things I’ve left unsettled. Deep down, in the sea, the current just stirs up the sand, again and again and again, there’s never quite a moment of peace and silence. 

But it’s a soft kind of unsettled feeling. I only hear it when it’s quiet enough for me to hear right at the bottom of the sea. Maybe that’s why I hardly write anymore. 

Writing is like diving. And you kinda start seeing everything after a while.

Okay I think I’ve rambled enough for today.

Dream Log #something

I dreamt that there was a curse that was going around, and it was called the curse of the living death. And whoever had it would smell like a rotting corpse, and the people around them would slowly die, especially if you touched them. It killed millions of people in a city. 

When I woke up I was thinking, would I still spend time with someone who had it? It’s such a lonely curse, and you’d spend the rest of your life alone. I could never imagine how that would feel.

Then I fell back to sleep, and I dreamt another dream. I was in a school that I’ve never seen before, and for some reason Fadilah and I were given a case to solve. I can’t remember much but it led us to this secret underground labyrinth of the school, full of pipes and dim red and green lights. There were a row of lockers along the wall, and we had Key no. 27 with us (can’t remember how we got it). But when we opened it, there was another key inside, which opened the locker right next to it. On that locker there was the name DiBronze. And in that locker was yet another key, this time not belonging to a locker but to a room. Suddenly I heard something, and told Fadilah to keep still and quiet. I heard a sound echoing towards us. And it was really creepy because you couldn’t see much in the dim lights.

Then a young boy appeared round the corner, he was probably around 16 years old, and he looked extremely angry. And I think he was DiBronze. Somehow we managed to run away back up to the surface, and I told Fadilah that we need to stay in an open area full of people. But when we found such a place, DiBronze managed to catch up to us, and started throwing punches and kicks at us. I yelled out to the crowd of people, “CALL THE POLICE, SOMEONE CALL THEM!” a bunch of times, until I heard the siren of the police car just round the corner. Another boy came running towards us, and he was Zairhul from my FSC. He started attacking us also, and I knew that the first key we had belonged to him. 

The police came, but only managed to catch zairhul. They handcuffed him, and got him to sit in the front on the policeman’s lap. OH yes zairhul is only 11. 

For some reason we parted ways with the policemen,  but I had a plan. We had to get the policemen to help us interrogate zairhul about how he’s connected to DiBronze, why he has the key, and what’s inside the room that the last key belongs to. We found the police station that was located right in a 2-room HDB rental flat on the 9th floor.

I think I managed to ask them to help us with the questioning, but I remember having some inkling of what was in that room. And I told them I suspected that it was some sort of torture chamber underneath the school.

I think I woke up from there, or maybe my brain really fell asleep at that point.

I really want to know what’s inside, though my suspicions are probably right haha. 

Birthday

Staring blankly at a flame

What am I wishing for?

Hearing voices singing the song, quietly, shyly. 

But something felt a little wrong

Maybe it was that one silent voice

That now come to think of it I can’t even remember a time where I heard him  
It felt strange like it didn’t matter

Like it wasn’t real
I’m an adult now

I don’t really need cakes and candles

I don’t need the song anymore

I don’t need special treatment

I don’t need goodnight kisses

Or affection

Or love

It felt like you didn’t think that celebrating mattered anymore

Happy birthday to you, Rachel

Don’t cry.

Where

Where is the place for the broken?

Where is the place for the lost?

Maybe in the lowest pits we will have only darkness, when we fall there might be no one with us.

But you can climb, choose to look up and see people reaching out their hands to you 

Don’t just stare blankly into shadows

Although you think the darkness is concealing something you could possibly hope in, there really is nothing there.

Nothing.