Lonely 

I’ve been feeling rather lifeless lately.

It’s a continuous cycle of being in a state of “Being with people is so tiring ” over the weekend and “I miss my friends” in school.

In between classes I’ll just walk alone off to the next thing I have to do with music on, and I’d look around and everyone looks like they’ve got someone. How do they even find these people? Every class is just a room filled with strangers, and you kinda just do your own thing.

I wish I had a class with the social work people. But everyone has different schedules and I feel like I’m drifting away from them (they planned to be in the same class, while I on the other hand just planned whatever I wanted).

Somehow I’m okay with that. Not having friends. But also I’m not okay with it. It’s strange, I’ve never not had friends in a school before. 

I can’t imagine not having friends in life. It’s just such a lonely thing. To not have anyone to get excited with, or be angsty to, or to just hang out and eat, and talk about all sorts of thoughts. 

But then I tell myself, I’ve managed to get a few pretty good ones, I think they’ll last for life.

Somehow though, I’ve had less and less an urge to talk to people on a daily basis. I’m alright with just keeping to myself. 

Is this a life stage? Where you’ve bounced off enough people that you’re all good to go to roll off on your own? 

Learnt enough, gained enough, gave enough in friendships that you don’t really rely on them as much anymore?

They’re now simple pleasures rather than daily necessities. This seems to be the case for adulthood.

I used to feel anxious over who I would eat lunch with the next day in poly, now I’m perfectly alright just not really knowing, and eating alone. 

I still feel like life just isn’t as colourful as before. Just functional. 

I only look forward to Mondays with gen. and science fiction lectures. Hmmmmm.

OH yes another thing, I feel like I’m relying so much on music to fill the space. I don’t know if it’s too much reliance. But it’s strange how music can mean so much. It’s just like a bunch of random sounds and rhythms and yet it feels so comforting and you feel less lonely with it.

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3 days with friends

I actually came here to write about something really negative again but I think I want to write about nice and happy things for a change. Things are relatively peaceful now. I realise I just dump all my negative emotions here, but I kind of want to store happy memories here too.

So for the first time in my life, I was completely alone in Singapore without my family. Not that that was a happy thing (we have enjoyed a period of peace ever since I had a long talk with my dad, but I don’t think I’ll write about that because I’ll remember everything and some of it is pretty personal).

I tried to cram as much as I could these past 3 days to spend with friends.

On sunday, I wanted to cook for my primary school friends, it was pretty tiring actually. I almost ruined every dish (from some missed step or wrong order of things or not buying enough of something) but somehow tammy and I managed to salvage everything and it turned out pretty tasty. It was a really nice night, It felt like we were all 30 and laughing and talking about all sorts of things. We reflected a little on our friendship, and where we’d be next time. Would we meet often? We’ve never had a proper argument before (primary school doesn’t count because back than all of us were arrogant little bastards), and we all feel extremely comfortable with each other. Well it has been ….. 20 – 7 years with is 13 years since we’ve all known each other.

Acacia stayed over to keep me company at night, I’ve known her since I was 2. That’s pretty insane. It was nice, and we slept because we’re too old to stay up all night.

Monday Gen came over and she was really broke so I cooked her cheese ramen and one sunny side up egg. We practised all day, and it was fun too. I’m really glad that I can spend a lot of time with her every week. I really wanted to keep being friends with her after poly, and I hope I can keep this bridge I have with her for a long time.

After that I went over to Raymynnlynn’s house, and had dinner with them and their parents. Their mom cooked prawns and dumplings -really tasty. Their parents were pretty quiet and soft spoken. But they were really nice.

We spent the whole night messing around with their instruments. We played disney songs, and I sang. The feeling of making music with friends is just really nice. I actually wanted to figure out a new song I wrote with them, but figured having fun was more important. (It was way too much work)

When it was 10:30pm, we stopped (to be considerate of the neighbours grand pianos are pretty loud), and we talked about church. Some good things, some bad things (like frustrations), and some desires and goals.

We shared one bed. It was really really tight. I was half hanging off one side of the bed. But it was nice sleeping with people (only child problems)

I would have never imagined that I’d get so close to them. I’m closer to raymynn, but I spent more time with raylynn on tuesday as raymynn had school in the morning. And we did random music things again. It was loads of laughs.

Then I went to Sera’s house and we ran together. More like she ran. I gave up halfway and felt like jelly. She’s been trying to run for a while, and I’m really impressed with her determination (that I will never have). Then I watched her do her makeup for an hour. It was nice catching up with her too.

I’m grateful for friends, close friends that I can be completely myself around. I don’t really have any friends in Uni, but in a way It gives me more capacity to just concentrate on who I already have in my life.

It was a good 3 days. Now I feel a little less negative. I should do this more.

 

 

Missing

 Like a tidal wave crashing down onto your once peaceful shoreline, sending everything into a flurry.
It isn’t really violent. It’s more of a slow, cutting pain. Something lost, yet remains just enough for its lingering presence to seep through the walls you’ve tried to build around it. 

It stains, but it kinda looks like art.

Maybe it’s fine keeping it there. 

Guilt like a small blunt dagger wedged in the heart, splitting it in two. Dissonance fills up the empty space, the silent divide.

Desire is what fuels the burning, and the fire burns beautifully, destructively, devastatingly. But reality stamps out the fire, and all you’re left with are charred remains to indulge in. You’ll settle for that.

Suddenly you remember everything. Yet nothing feels real. Maybe it’d be better to believe they were just day dreams.

Dream log #something

Was in a shopping mall with raymynn and Jolene and some other girls. Raymynn said she wanted to buy a present for her sister, so we went into this really hipster store, with lots of weird artsy things. I saw something that looked like a stone, it had words engraved on top of it, and raymynn immediately said okay I’ll get this. Then I looked carefully at the price and it was more than $800 dollars!! 

When I pointed it out she said “okay nevermind.” And went off to find something else. I wanted to examine the stone a bit more to see why it was so expensive. Turns out it wasn’t stone, but chalk. So I picked it up, there was another long, half moon shaped piece underneath, and another small piece that looked like a reflection of the big chalk. Then there was a sign so I read it. Apparently the artist who made the chalk was telling a story, the big chalk was a boat, and the boat was sinking, and there was a couple on it. The girl drowned, and the words on the boat was something like “don’t leave me behind” but a little more poetic I can’t remember. 

To my horror the chalk split into two right in my fingers. And I held it so gently. I tried to place it back to together so that it looked like nothing ever happened but it took some time. The shopkeeper was looking at me suspiciously and came over. I tried to cover the crack line with my hand and gave it one final squeeze so that the line wouldn’t be so obvious, and then quickly left the shop. I turned around and saw her examining the chalk, and I tried to go into another shop to hide.

But then I heard my name being called out, it was this ang moh lady with long curly hair, and she said “did you break the chalk?”

I wanted to say “no” so badly but somehow I decided not to lie and said “yes, do I need to pay for it?”

And she said, “yes, depending on …(I forgot)…. you might need to pay for half of it or even the whole price”

And I felt so horrified that I woke up at this point and the first thought that came to mine is that I would never pick up anything in a shop ever again.

Fear and anger

Fear and anger seem to go remarkably well.

I had to hide in the cupboard to calm down because I couldn’t close the damned door.

Just the feeling of being in the same air as that person made me feel so sick.

I want to escape but I can’t.

Cry out but what’s the point no one will hear me or help.

I have visions of killing my self or cutting myself and I hate it, but more than that I’m scared.

Hospital

My grandma just got admitted to hospital. Honestly, I’m not sure how serious it is. No one’s really telling me much. My mom said that it might be some kind of infection. When I heard the doorbell ring, my parents and my grandpa came back, but not my grandma. I was expecting her to be there but she wasn’t. 

Ivy’s mom passed away in a matter of months after she was admitted to hospital. After a whole day of trying not to think about it, suddenly I’m scared. Will I ever go out with my grandma again? How long do I have left? Why do we only treasure things and show people that we treasure them only when there’s a little time left or even if it’s too late?

My parents asked me to choose a book for her to read. And I looked at all my books, wondering what would be nice. And I decided on the time keeper.

The doctors are still testing what’s going on. But I can’t seem to feel like it’s serious. I know we all die one day, but I just can’t imagine my grandparents going. I just can’t. 

But I can’t let these worries fill my head.

I don’t know what to think.

Diseased

It’s not the first time that I’ve felt this way. All of a sudden, I feel sick, like emotionally sick, a little bit of fear, guilt, disappointment, sadness, and a stabbing pain – a slow kind. It kind of just creeps into my heart, worming its way through like some sort of infestation spreading its diseased roots all over inside me.

That’s how it feels like.

And sometimes it gets to the point where I start heaving. 

I listened to a song by Charlie Lim (how typical) on the bus today and I suddenly got hit by it. And then again today while I was just eating dinner, I had to stop and go to the toilet.

I don’t know what this is. 

And then I feel like writing a song about it. I think this is what I do with my pain – freudianly speaking. Sublimation. 

Recently I’ve been really feeling this strong urge to write songs.

I feel like I can only create things when I’m sad. Which is kind of sad.

But it’s not like I have anything to be sad about. It’s just that I get these flashes of sadness every now and then. They feel like flashbacks, but with no visions. Maybe they’re just emotional flashbacks. 

I feel like I’ve accepted that these feelings will always be here somewhere in my unconsciousness, like they’re a part of me. 

 I don’t actually want them to disappear. Is that weird? 

Airport

When you step into the airport it’s such a cool feeling, this huge open space, the echo of people hustling by, luggage wheels going clickity clack and my favourite part – that huge signboard showing all the flights and destinations. I especially like the analog kind, with letters printed on plastic cards, they whirl into whatever is supposed to be spelled. It was really fun watching the cards flip into place just like magic. The digital boards don’t really have the same charm.

The world is just so big yet so small. You could hop onto the other side of the planet in less than a day, but looking out of the plane window, the horizon is barely curved, little lights flickering below, it’s amazing how this one huge hunk of metal can go hurtling through the air so fast that it actually flies.

I was actually up there, above the clouds, that’s amazing to just think about.

Back to the board again. There’re just so many places you could go. Like any of these places being spelled out, all you need is that ticket.

It’s always nice to have somewhere to go. 

Shepard’s Retreat

It’s been a good three days since we came back from retreat but I think I remember most of it so here goes.

I felt a little queasy at the start. No not because of the motion sickness. It felt like social anxiety. (Recently I’ve been having bouts of it. Like today, I felt it too when I had to meet new people). I guess I felt a little out of it, like when a group of people are laughing about something I don’t get I’ll feel like I’m in a daze. Sometimes their chatter just becomes a whirr in the background. A part of me wishes I could be in it and another part of me doesn’t.

I’ll admit I felt a bit negative about Retreat. That it’ll be just me being alone most of the time (I downloaded so many songs in preparation), or that it’ll be extremely tiring. But I really enjoyed myself. We learned loads of things, and the sermons are the kind of sermons that stay around in your head forever. Well at least some main points. I got to spend a lot of time with jairia raymynnlynn and Anna, which honestly we don’t get to do very often since we’re split up. It was really nice being with them.

When we came, I was so happy that there was one empty room right at the end just for us all to ourselves, little did I realise that it was left empty for a reason. It. Was. Right. Next. To the. Karaoke speakers. Ha hahaha ha. At night the bass just travels straight through the floor and into your bones smacking you right in the brain. 

The second night it was pretty noisy. So we went out to the back part of the house, where there was this large patio overlooking there sea. And you could climb up this flight of stairs into an open space with just the sky above and the sea spreading out below you. And there were a handful of stars sprinkled here and there. We watched this other family light up a red lantern and they set it free, it floated all the way high into the sky and it just disappeared.

Bro Lucas came over too, he went over to the other far side of the patio and lay down with his legs sticking out from the railings and he played some music from his speaker. Guess he really needed some alone time. 

Meanwhile, we went to the other side and stuck our legs out too, and we let them hang over the sea, with the metal bars protecting us from a certain wet death.

I asked them what their biggest takeaway from Retreat was but we never really got round to answering that. I can’t really remember what we talked about.

OH yes. One thing I did learn was about how bad stereotypes are. Lots of people stereotype us as those quiet girls that need lots of pushing and don’t do much. I realised that. Haha. I mean it’s not wrong that we are quiet, we are, but it’s bad when someone assumes that’s all of an identity that we have. We are nothing else as people other than, “those quiet girls who don’t do much.”

I won’t name any names. Someone asked me and Anna, “So, why are you guys always so quiet? Is it because you don’t know what to say, or like you think it’s not worth saying out?”

I got a little riled up about it. “I mean, if all of us were talking it’d be chaotic right? Some of us have to be quiet. If it’s quiet we’ll talk more, if it’s noisy, we’ll talk less, it’s a balance.”

But this person kept pushing the idea that we think our thoughts are worthless or that we don’t have any thoughts to say. Which was a little, well it felt degratory. Almost. “It’s not that we don’t have anything in our heads, it’s just we don’t feel the need to say it all the time.”

I said something along those lines. I mean, we can’t all be super hyper and talkative and jokey, you know?

Someone else said something to Raylynn that made her super pissed too, it affected her so much she just walked away from the table. I can’t remember exactly what, but it was some assumption about what they did in their free time that was insulting. Like just because they are quiet, that they wouldn’t have… something I really can’t remember. 

And someone said also, “OH they these kind of people (CONTEXT: quiet, hence no initiative) need someone to help them take the food for them” during dinner, and jairia just grabbed her food herself immediately. I thought it was quite funny. But yeah, these kinds of negative stereotypical remarks, were pretty …. haha ha. I felt mostly disappointed. Slightly, and dryly amused. 

I think some people think we’re being exclusive too. That we’re always hanging out in our group, but honestly, if one of us had an outgoing and sociable personality no one would think that way. Sometimes I get the feeling that people just find us completely boring. And their attempts to interact with us feel forced. Only SOME people, you can tell who are genuinely interested. 

But anyways, point is, I don’t want to do the same to others. I’m not a newcomer when it comes to stereotyping. I readily assume certain traits are bound to others when that may not be true. And also I want tonne genuinely interested in people. Because people can tell.

People tend to favour out-going socialites, who make lots of jokes and always look happy. Maybe that’s why I feel so cynical about large groups of people who constantly keep laughing and talking. Maybe it’s even bitterness. Like I don’t want to be one of you guys because loud people tend to look down on quiet people. And EVERY single one of us felt that at a certain point during this retreat because of what someone said/assumed.

And I don’t even consider myself as that quiet a person either ways. If there’s something that needs to be said I’ll say it. I’m not the kind that would fuss much about what people would think of me if I spoke out. I get excited over debates. I love saying my point of view. But that’s only if there’s a space for me to put it out there. 

We were talking about it on the last night, if we should tell someone about how we felt. It felt like an issue that needed to be raised up. I mean, it’s really not a nice feeling to be in the receiving end of such remarks. But then again, what if we were all just overly sensitive? What if saying such things spark some kind of tension? I don’t think we’ll ever raise it up unless it happens one more time.

These few incidences didn’t help resolve my growing cynicism towards church at all. Right now there are only a handful of leaders I really trust, and that’s quite a bad thing. 

And honestly I’m not sure if I’m being cautious and practical or if I’m just being judgy and unreasonable. 

Last Supper

Really wanted to write about today because it was a good day

“Played” basketball with Sam and Lum in the morning, and I’m already feeling the muscle aches coming on. Basketball is probably my worst sport, you have to be all cool and intimidating to play it right hahaha. Lum was a really good coach, he taught us a lot about basketball. Some ACS Barker kids came and wanted to challenge him because he was just that good. Some people just effortlessly look cool, I guess it’s because they make it look so effortless that it looks cool.

I think I improved a lot, managed to score some pretty decent shots, but I probably looked like a spazzing flamingo while I was at it.

After that Sam and I went to get party supplies for our class dinner. Well, it’s really more of a “last supper” kind of thing because Matt is going into the land of Tekong this friday, and it’ll probably be the last time we’ll ever eat his cooking (or see him) in the next two years. We came quite early so we just chilled in Matt’s music room, it was quite fun, think we were in there for a good solid hour.

And then we helped Matt with cutting tomatoes (that’s about as much cooking as we did, really). And slowly everyone started coming in.

I’m actually quite surprised so many people turned up. Our class isn’t exactly bonded, but I guess we do enjoy each other’s company. It’s special, it doesn’t really feel like a normal class. I’m not sure what it is about everyone. Everyone’s just so unique, and Oh I think it’s because it’s always Classy. haha get it – Our class is really classy. We don’t drink, or gossip, or anything much really. We just chill. And everyone’s so nice.

Dinner was amazing as usual. I had the best balsamic vingegar I’ve ever tasted in my life, and Matt used olive oil he got from some dude in isreal (He saw the oil being pressed into the bottle right in front of his very eyes). So cool. There was BBQ beef, chicken, tomato salsa, some salad with pine nuts. Oh yes, the pine nuts. I think they made it into my all time favourite nuts list (second to walnut). Apparently it tastes like bacon when toasted AND IT DID. It was sooooo goooood. And we also had mushroom.

Gen and I danced a little along to “South” by hippocampus. By dance, I mean waving around awkwardly in a hotline bling kinda way. Good music just makes memories so much more colourful. Kinda like a movie soundtrack.

Angel brought this really delicious chocolate cake. And after that we played cards against humanity. We laughed so much. So inappropriately. Hahaha. ha.

Our class’ humour basically goes along the lines of finding anything to do with incest, dead babies, racism, and religion funny.

Sera and Marina won. Which was totally unexpected. They are the kind of quiet, shy girls, and I only really got to know them well last year.

I love our class so much. I’m really just gonna miss having them as part of daily life. I wish  had more years with them, I want more time to get closer to all of them.

As I write this it feels bittersweet. More of sweet than bitter really. I’ll always look back and remember colourful, fun memories. And lovely people.

Sam was pretty sad about how he’ll probably never see our classmates much.

Things will definitely change. As we go on with our lives there’ll be so much less common ground. Relationships change, but that doesn’t mean that they have to end.