Hungry

I want a pure heart

That only wishes to serve God and others

A heart with no ill-intentions, 

I want to only rely on God

That my foundation will be solely built on Him

I want God to be so close to me that I will feel His presence always

That I will fear nothing, nor seek anything else

I want to be emptied completely, so that God can fill me completely with all that He is

No traces of bitterness, no bursts of anger 

Just love 

I want my joy to be found in glorifying God in everything that I do

Nothing else will do

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How blind can someone be?

That everything is just darkness?

I’d like to just blame it all on having depression, but honestly it seems a little like a shallow scratch to call it on just biological reasons. I think it’s a whole load of other issues jumbled up in her heart. 

Pride being the centre of it all.

People degrade themselves for all sorts of reasons. To gain pity, to feel special, to cause guilt or pain in someone.

They cry out for help yet push everyone away. They won’t listen to anything anyone says. 

What do they really want? What do they truly need?

To what point can I say that there’s really nothing more that I can do or say to help?

Maybe I should just pray about it.

Another reason why I don’t naturally rely on prayer as much is because I’m super action oriented.

During our counselling module, when we had to roleplay as counsellors and clients with our classmates, ivy told me I kept going to forming an action plan and that I hardly reflected the feelings of the client.

I didn’t even realise it myself, and I’d always thought I was pretty in tune to people’s emotions.

All that mattered to me was finding solutions, problem solving, something just had to be done.

I’m kind of tired. Tired of constantly chasing, reassuring, not being believed. Tired of hearing this extreme negativity, founded on nothing but lies, and that just goes nowhere. 

I’m running out of love. And patience.

And understanding.

It really boils down to the same thing huh?

I need more of God.

Dream log

I was part of some terrorist group, and we were waiting around in a room. I didn’t really wanna be there, but there was another middle aged man, let’s call him Robert, who convinced me that if we stay, we’d be able to kill the terrorist and save people’s lives after gaining his trust. The terrorist has this Long curly hair that puffed out like a clown. He said he had to deal with some things and left the room.

I thought, yes! This is our chance to convince the rest to not follow his plans, I saw the terrorist’s phone lying in the corner of the room, and when I looked closer, I saw it was recording sound. Then I whispered to Robert about it and to be careful about what he says next.

We were all kind of sitting in a circle and talking about random things, and about what would happen later. I said I wasn’t too good with guns and needed more practice.

Then suddenly this woman with really heavy face paint (it was pretty freaky)banged open the door, and the scene changed into some labyrinth of metal grills and staircases, it kind of looked like a cage. And I became another woman with Long curly hair. I was running away from heavy face paint woman, and I saw that there was a little girl in front of me, who probably fell and impaled herself on of the the metal pokes sticking out. She was dead.

Then I hear the woman screaming about something, and I think the name “Joanna” but I can’t really remember what it was about. I had a feeling she wanted to kill me for revenge.

I woke up as I was running away from her with my heart pounding.

But then I fell back to sleep again, and I was in my previous dream, where we were all ready to get out of the room and follow the terrorist, but Robert was missing. The terrorist told us he wanted us to do something first, and brought us into this room. Robert was kneeling down on the floor, tied up.

I think I was half awake at this point, because I would influence what Robert would do too.

He mouthed out to me “it’s okay, just do it.”

And the terrorist told us that to prove our loyalty to him, we had to kill Robert with our guns.

I suggested to him, “why not we go much closer to him so that we’re sure to not miss?”

I wanted Robert to die a quick and painless death, and I aimed my gun in his ear.

The terrorist agreed, then told everyone to stand back and just let me do it. I knew at that point it was really me he was testing, because he probably suspected Robert and I.

I pressed the trigger and Robert fell.

I think I was mostly awake at this point. I had to finish the dream so I imagined I was somehow alone with the terrorist, and that he wanted me to kill him, because he thought I was the only one who could.

He said he knew he was going to be caught sooner or later, and just wanted to end his life now because he was satisfied.

He had a gun in his hand, and I was scared that if I didn’t kill him, he would kill me instead. I told him, “why not i shoot you with both guns, in both ears, so that it’ll be even quicker and painless?” He agreed and I quickly took the gun from him and aimed at his ears.

I’m counted down from three and then shot his legs instead, and then his arms. Then I backed away slowly, keeping an eye on him and called the police. He was swearing and cursing me and screaming in complete frustration and rage.

And I was saying things like “it was never for you, it was for Robert!”

And he laughed like a crazy person and said “you killed him”

Then I said “no we both stopped you.”

And I figured I had enough and really woke up.

Quota

Sometimes I feel like I have a happiness quota.

I could be really happy for a whole day, and somehow I’ll reach a limit of feeling happy and I’ll start feeling sad for no reason.

It’s like a tingly cold feeling, and it feels sour in my chest.

I don’t know why this happens. Is it because my happiness isn’t based on true joy from God?

Is it a personality thing? A biology thing?

So I just spent five minute staring into space and trying to dig out my unconscious for reasons.

I don’t feel full. Satisfied. Whole.

I think I just really need more of God.

God who is limitless.

Oh how much things have changed

Was looking through my drafts and found this unpublished post from 2 years back. 

I took the time to record down this text conversation thinking that it’d be an important thing to reflect on sometime in the future and here I am. I’m quite glad I did.

Here I present to you a conversation between two people who no longer exist. 


“I’ve already analysed the probability of a relationship working out, and it’s not very high, so there’s no reason to start.”

“Thing is right, for me the passion part isn’t really a part, so from my perspective it’s different I guess.”

“I’m not only referring to passion. As you said, our values and beliefs in life are different. I value money and you believe in helping people.”

“It’s a very strong reason.”

“Yeah.”

“Even if it’s only one.”

“That’s why I’m not worried.”

“Yeah.”

“But are you?”

“Worried about what exactly?”

“That you might like me in another way.”

“Sometimes. Yeah. But I don’t want to. It’s kinda weird.”

“Yeah. It’s the thought of moving on in a friendship that’s enticing. So you always need to focus on the bigger picture.”

“But don’t worry, I have no intentions of anything lol. Moving on?”

“Like you said, a relationship is an advanced level of a friendship.”

“Yeah.”

“I enjoy your company too, but I just don’t see it working out in the future, so there’s no point committing to a relationship.”

“Yeah, exactly.”

“And besides, there’s nothing much to like about me.”

“I don’t think people really focus much on the person themselves, I think it’s more of the interaction that they value. I mean, I guess that’s why people don’t know why they like someone sometimes.”

“Really? That never happens to me. Maybe it’s because I always reflect on my emotions first.”

“Maybe it’s because you’ve never really liked someone in that way before.”

“More like I reflect to see if it’s blind love.”

“You may have a whole list of pre-positioned qualities you would like about someone, but ultimately when you do meet someone usually it’s not really anything you’d expect. Personality traits I mean. Not morals and values and stuff. Like honest, or whatever.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.

But I’m glad we can talk about this. I feel a lot more at peace now lol.”

“You mean that’s how you felt all this while?”

“Yes. The whole time lol.”

“I see…For how long? Just today?”

“Since the start, debating whether it’s okay or not okay.”

“Oh that’s quite long ago.”

“Quite.”

“I already came to my conclusion for quite some time now, so that’s why I don’t have this feeling.”

“There’s Ice in my soup.”

I think.

The only way guys and girls can be just friends (And close friends) is to have conversations like these. And it makes perfect logical sense. Talking about it. That’s the only thing you can do really.

I think the things that make it work is when you make it a point to set precautions (boundaries), get straight expectations (of both parties), have foresight, and not be afraid to talk about these things. (I think there’s way more than this but I don’t have a pH D in Social Psychology. Plus I don’t think anyone has really come up with theories for the delicateness of Cross-gender friendships.)

It’s hard work. But it’s necessary.

And I want to make the most of my effort keeping it that way.

I’m really glad I finally got the courage to talk about it.

And with this, I conclude my year-long ponder over whether guys and girls can be just friends.

It really just boils down to how much effort both of you put in to make sure it stays that way.

Family 

I’m really worried for my dad

At this point he really just doesn’t care anymore about staying calm and collected in front of me.

He swears and throws a fit over the TV not working, like really just plainly swearing right in front of me.

And when I offer to help try fixing the compartment cover back he just asks me to “forget it.”

Today during dinner, he mentioned casually about how without my mom he doesn’t have anything to do at home (she has a company dinner and dance tonight), I wanted to say “it’s important to have friends especially when you’re older”, but I didn’t think it was the right time to. Maybe when I’m a proper adult and social worker will he respect my views.

Now he’s directing his anger towards throwing things, even though it’s not towards me, I can feel my body tensing up with short jolts of panic with every bang or loud sound I hear, although my mind is relatively calm. 

And I wonder what will happen when I’m older? I hope my mom lives longer than he does, so he won’t be alone, but something tells me it’ll be the other way round (well my mom is a year older too).

Flashes of possible issues went through my mind as I was standing there holding the phone torch watching him vent his anger out on the TV.

He has all he signs of not going through old age smoothly at all. Like having a social circle, being open to new people, life regrets. There’s just so much rejection towards things around him.

Sometimes I wish I had a sibling so I won’t be alone in this. I’m the only one who will worry about my parents as a child.

There was one classmate I had in sci fi (I’ll probably never see her again), but there’s one conversation with her that I will never forget. We were talking about being an only child, and she said her greatest fear being one is that she’ll go through grieving her parents’ deaths on her own. Yeah she might have people around her, but she’ll be the only one grieving as a child towards their parents.

I never thought about it before. I’ll be the only one who would feel that loss. And I’ll be alone, no one else in the world will feel their deaths, and the loss the way I would.

I told her I wasn’t too worried about that, because I have always been alone anyways through family crisis. 

No one else felt the same pain as I did, but I didn’t feel too alone. It didn’t really matter that I was the only one as long as I had people around me.

But now it does feel like a huge responsibility. I’ll be the only one who will truly care for my parents. I mean you can have a spouse and they will care, but they wouldn’t really feel the same way, because you were the one who your parents raised.

Maybe I don’t want an only child after all. Ha haha ha.

I don’t know.

Why I want an only child? 

I feel lucky as an only child sometimes. I don’t have to fight for attention, In fact, being a double only child to my grandparents really makes me feel extra precious. I never had to fight for ” what’s mine” or “what I could have”. I was never compared to. 

And I thought it would be a good life for my future kid too (God willing). Me being able to concentrate completely on raising this kid right.

You wanna learn martial arts? Ballet? Cooking? Music? Painting? Sure! You can even have a whole room to yourself to explore whatever you want instead of having to share it with a sibling.

That was kind my initial thoughts. Haha. 

Honestly what I care about is having enough resources to provide for a kid. There’s just so much that can go wrong with raising a child. I wanna make sure my attention isn’t so divided that I cause issues. I see so many psyche issues with my friends because of their siblings. 

But I guess lots of things can go wrong with being an only child too. I don’t wanna raise a spoilt little brat who knows nothing about pain and suffering. I was wondering how to get the perfect balance of suffering and safety for a child to come out whole yet empathetic. 

There are people I understand solely because my parents weren’t perfect, having gone through similar things. It made me wonder if I’d be significantly different if I hadn’t gone through the things I did (and I probably would be).

I guess this is just me trying to take control of everything. I can’t engineer the perfect kid, just like I can’t be a perfect parent.

But I’ll try my best, and I’ll let God steer my path.
How did I end up talking about this? Okay point is – no family is perfect, but most of us are really just trying our best.

Hospital again

Feel like I’ve been gettting pretty familiar with the hospital lately.

It was quite scary, seeing someone motionless, and in the ambulance speeding away every second ticking not knowing if each second would take a little bit of life away.

I heard her screaming, I couldn’t tell if it was from fear or pain, or maybe both, but as I sat in the front I felt like I never prayed so desperately to God before in my life.

“Please keep her safe, please keep her safe, please keep her safe, God please, please”

I couldn’t think of anything else.

Life is so fragile. One day you could be here and the next day gone. 

As I looked back through the plastic shield, watching the paramedics tend to her, I couldn’t help but think , “that could have been me.”

“What if something really bad happens?”

I’ve lived life assuming that no matter what happens, or how bad something may seem, somehow things will turn out alright.

And that’s what happened. My grandma is now back to her old lively self, my parents aren’t divorced, vic didn’t take her own life, I’ve thought of all the worse case scenarios without necessarily accepting that they may actually, really happen. Somehow, it’ll be alright.

This time round was a close shave too. A close shave of destruction to the norm.
When will my time come for my faith to be tested? 

Somehow, I just couldn’t pray for healing, I just couldn’t pray for the best possible outcome, I couldn’t pray for a miracle.

I just wanted to be prepared for the worst.

But is that wrong? Was I not having enough faith? 

I’ve always just told myself that God could allow either to happen, the best and the worst, and that was not up to me to pray for. What if I prayed for a total miracle of healing (which pastor and her dad did), but it did not come? I felt like the only thing I could pray for was faith despite the worst. Because that’s the only thing I know God will certainly grant if asked for.

I just couldn’t bring myself to pray for a miracle.

But that felt wrong too. Somehow.
Yet, in my most desperate point of the night, alone in the ambulance, lost and fearful, I could do nothing but beg for a miracle.

It has been quite a while since I felt so desperate for God to do something, to intervene, to stop a fate that may have been planned already. 

And I really want to know just how faithful I am. But this wish would require me to go through something horrible, and dark. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready for that.

I feel a little scared, because I feel like I’ve been having so many close shaves. Like destruction taunting me and teasing me, “I’m coming for you next.”

In the room, her dad kept reciting psalm 91, and I don’t know why I just couldn’t control the tears coming out of my eyes.

I hadn’t really teared up much the entire night, but at that point, hearing him recite it over and over again, although he was calm and collected in the way he spoke, I could feel the desperation in holding onto the word truly like a sword of the spirit, to fight off his fears, and his doubts.

I think that was what moved me.

I was a bit skeptical of his over positivity like the cynic in me, I thought it was simply a phase of complete denial, he kept saying things will be alright everything will be okay, he kept uttering tongues with the belief that they had healing power, he proclaimed that God will heal her as she had done nothing wrong.

But I just couldn’t help thinking, what if things didn’t go well? Because I know they can.

But at that moment, I really felt the power of the word of God. Despite the cynic in me, somehow it was an anchor that stopped me from thinking too negatively. Although her physical body may be suffering, I know that God is a protector of souls first of all.

And to me that was enough.

Dissonance

Feel like I’ve been overanalysing the music I hear everyday to the point where I’ve lost the feeling of just being emersed in the rythmn and the notes playing with each other swinging highs and lows, the beauty of just being in the song.

Songs that make you see sunsets or murky waters, a night time city landscape or just a whir of memories.

I tried just forgetting about analysing how each song was put together, I think I managed to for a while but then I went back to trying to pick out what part was playing what and in which ear and how prominent it was, things like that. 

Maybe it’s because it feels like I’m not escaping anymore. I don’t need to escape, I don’t need to indulge in a certain emotion. 

Speaking of emotion and music, I wanna talk about dissonance.

I’m like a walking manifestation of pure dissonance.

I don’t know what to do with it. 

Forever 

Just suddenly had this fear of time, how it’s so easily wasted, how it trickles away so slowly that you can’t even feel it. 

It feels like I have a whole ocean of time left. 

I can’t imagine a future when time will end, in which it will, because when time becomes infinite, that’s when it ends too.

A time when a state goes on forever and ever. Somehow I feel scared by that instead of assured. It’s just such a massive thing to comprehend, that something can go on, forever. Something that will never end, ever. 

I think I felt scared because I didn’t focus on what state this would be. And I didn’t think about God being in this forever. The concept of forever without God, without promises, without security, without love, that’s just insane. Yet many people will eventually end up existing in such a forever. 

I don’t want to die. I don’t want to not exist.

But I don’t have this right. People die all the time, spiritually. I’m just another fish in the ocean, I could have been one of the fishes caught in a current going the wrong way.

It’s like, in order for us to freely choose to love, people will also be destined to die. Destined in a sense that death is in their destiny. And nothing can change that because they chose it.

How much of our choices are really because of who we are? 

I’m scared of a future forever without some people in my life now. 

Death will be as real as it gets then, because I’ll never see those people ever again. 

I feel like I had reached a point somewhere where I just didn’t care anymore about other people’s eternities. “It’s all just their own choice, they wanted it.” 

Almost to the point where I’d be at peace even knowing that these people would choose an eternity without life.

“Maybe they wouldn’t be happy in heaven anyways, since they don’t find happiness in God here on earth.”

“It’s all for the best.”

Was I heartless? Was I cold? To have thought these things.

I haven’t felt that pain of possibly losing someone forever in a while. Guess I haven’t thought about forever in a while either.

Now, Death is a stranger to me. I’ve never known it, I’ve never heard it. I’ve only seen it from afar. 

One day it will come and brush arms with me. One day it will grip me by the hand, and dig its nails into my arms. And one day it will caress me into a deep sleep.

One day death will be my friend, and I certainly don’t want it to be an enemy. 

Fate/Determinism/Human Will

Are you a fatalist? Does it matter if Fatalism is true? Take a stand. Argue.

Since the time of ancient civilization, people have been obsessed with fate. From the Chinese and the Mayans who looked to the stars in search of information about future events, to the horoscopes of the West in explaining personality and predicting fate, humans have tried out all sorts of ways to figure out where time would take them.

Although we use the terms fate and destiny interchangeably, the two have quite different approaches in examining how life unfolds. Fate is often regarded as something that is given or assigned by a higher power, with it being something humans having no control over. Destiny, or rather how the destination of events is determined is a matter of logical causality rather than an influence of a higher power. This is known as determinism. Determinism looks more towards the nature of how events play out; just like how one domino pushes another, everything that happens is caused or determined by things that have already happened. In a sense, this would mean that it’s possible for every event in the future to be predicted and worked out.

The significance of the fatalism/determinism debate seems to lie in whether we actually have any hand at all to play in writing the story of our lives – can we truly be held responsible for whatever we do? Has our future already been written in stone by some kind of higher power, or are we just mere dominos playing out a sequence of events from an initial push, falling into place? In this essay I will focus on discussing why I believe it is still possible to be held responsible for our actions in spite of the possibility of a higher power pulling the strings of fate, and also despite the influence of past events.

Suppose that an omnipotent God was real, transcending time and space, with the ability to know of and control anything, would humanity have any choice at all in influencing their fate? I believe that the answer lies in knowing the nature and intentions of this God. Some argue that it would be contradictory to call God omnipotent, and yet believe that humans have the power to control their own fates; if God was all powerful, nothing would be out of his control, including that of the will of humans, and if nothing was out of his control, then everything must be under his control. However I believe this argument to be invalid. Complete power does not have to equate to complete control. Although the fate of humanity may eventually be in the hands of God, it is also perfectly logical to say that an omnipotent God could allow space for humans to make decisions of their own that he simply chooses not to control. God can still be omnipotent as he can still be in control of an ultimate destination despite the choices that humans may make. For example, at a fork in a road, humans have the power to decide whether to turn left or right, however, God decides where each road would lead eventually. I believe this interplay between the free will of humans and the will of God exists in this nature, and as such, that humans can still be held responsible for their individual choices despite that of a higher power possibly being in control of fate.

Now onto the matter of determinism. One might argue that every choice and action taken by a person can be traced back by some logical causality right down to the beginning of the universe, and as a result, maintain that one’s choices are simply an illusion. Everything has to be caused by an antecedent event in order for it to have happened, just like how every domino in a domino chain would move only because the previous domino had fallen on it in the first place. It sounds ridiculous to say that the domino chose to fall on its own free will, because it is obvious that something else had caused it to fall. In the same way, humans have no real choice, and are simply acting according to a ripple effect that started since the beginning of time.

I believe that determinism should not be limited to the view of humans having any no ability at all to ‘choose’. Every effect has a cause, and in a deterministic universe, humans can play a part in eliciting a causal chain of events as well. Although I believe that the universe operates in a cause-effect way similar to how dominos can influence one another, I also believe that it is not just a single domino chain of events. Rather, the universe is a complex system of an almost infinite number of domino chains, and not all domino chains fall at the same time across the history of the universe. Our lives are made up of many chains all at once, some chains are caused by events happening way before our time, whereas other chains have not started yet and are sitting still, ready for our push. Some chains will never fall because we never choose to push them, whereas other chains will be pushed regardless of whether we want them to or not because it is a chain that had already been pushed before, possibly by someone else.

This is my theory on how the existence of fate, the deterministic nature of how the universe operates, and also the power of human choices work together in the unfolding of the universe.