Revelations

Recently this chapter has popped up in my head, Jolene told me she was reading it because her family kept talking about it, and then when I was in the NUS library today I was just aimlessly wandering around and this book on apocalypses caught my eye, and in the book was a chapter on “the Christian apocalypse rewritten as science fiction”.

The author described revelations as so speculative that I began to question what revelations really is all about, and so I went to watch the bible project’s videos on revelations and they gave a really great conclusion and summary of it.

The book of revelations isn’t really about prophecies or mysterious codes, it’s a source of ultimate hope that motivates faithfulness – symbols of what we can look forward to and keep holding on to. The horrors described in revelations is nothing new, it’s happened in the time of the bible and it’s happened along the course of human history.

I’ve always thought of the future that revelations described to be scary, but really, the scary parts are already happening now: governments rejecting God, persecution and death and famine and war and destruction has become such an average thing in our age.

It made me think, why are there days when I don’t see the world as a scary place? Is it because I’m in it? Now that’s scary.

I want to be constantly reminded of what a dark place this world is. Then I will be eagerly waiting for the end of it. I feel like we can easily tell of what place God has in a person’s life through the way he responds to the concept of the apocalypse.

Is it the tragic end of the world he loves, or is it a long-awaited redemption of a world made new?

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Church

Can’t tell if my anger is from pride or injustice or bitterness. Not sure if these are unrelated or if everything’s connected which makes it worse but I know I can’t hold it in any longer

I couldn’t even look her in the eye for more than a minute without feeling overwhelming feelings about to erupt.

The only issues I have with life now are ironically with the church. Am I just expecting too much? Is my anger justified? Or am I just being a oversensitive ass? I’d like to think of myself as someone who doesn’t get angry easily nowadays, but why is it so easy for me to be angry at even the tiniest things they do?

It’s a snowball, I know, but it’s not ending.

It feels like it’s becoming an avalanche.

Dream log

Dreamt that it was a huge church service but it didn’t look like church, and I saw my primary school friends sitting together,

But when I got closer I got shocked from seeing Chloe. She had a terrible skin condition. Her face was patchy and brown in patches, and it looked shrivelled up and there was pus covering her face in areas, and on her right cheek there was a huge hole that looked like it was rotting off,

Her left hand also looked like it was rotting, her hand had shrunk to about a third of its size and she couldn’t move it. The skin was also falling off revealing black bone underneath, that looked a little like chicken bones. There was a tiny translucent hand growing out from her wrist, and she said the doctor was trying to grow out another hand but it wasn’t working really well.

I asked her what happened, and I can’t remember what she said exactly, but it was something about playing DOTA

and then I woke up and it felt like a nightmare because it was really horrific, she’s the last person I would expect to have to go through something so traumatic as that. But the sky was still dark outside but I didn’t check the time, and I went back to sleep.

Then I dreamt again, and I think I went for leaders cell and it was in my house, but the house looked a lot bigger.

We were all sitting in a circle and we were given topics to teach about on the spot.

When it came to my turn I didn’t realise that it was an impromptu thing and that everyone had known what they would be teaching about.

I think my topic was on how can we help direct a spousal abuser on the right track again.

I said something about how he would need a relationship with God, and then also awareness of what he’s doing to the spouse because some people might not even be aware that what they’re doing is abuse, and then I paused for a while thinking what else, and said encouragement and support.

Pastor Joey was there, and he said that’s good, but then I realised that everyone else wasn’t there and it was just me, pj and raymynn and Raylynn.

And then I jokingly told him (but with a little bit of bitterness) ,” see, everyone left because I’m unpopular and no one wants to hear me”

Then I walked out of my room and saw them in the living room having fun talking and I think Jacinth was holding my ukulele

I went over to the fridge and took some chocolate to give to Jolene, who was somehow in my room. Then I told her what happened, and we just stayed there.

Then the house was quiet and everyone had gone downstairs, and I suspected that pastor Joey took what I said seriously and went to talk with them but I never knew the outcome of the talk because suddenly I was at a huge hotel buffet dinner, and it was really high class food.

This guy from my childcare centre I used to hate and vice versa was at my table, and we were at the dessert section which looked really good, I offered if he wanted to share the cakes so we can eat more and he agreed, then I got this whole section of red velvet cakes and a cake that looked like an apple.

I was cutting them into half and putting them on his plate, and then I can’t remember what happened after that.

Song

I sat at my table for about an hour trying to write a song.

I found some chords I really liked, but my head felt so empty and I felt like I was just trying to force out something to talk about.

I’m seriously starting to believe I can only churn out stuff when I’m sad.

Or maybe i just haven’t been thinking enough lately.

Which is why I decided I need to write more.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost my internal monologue throughout the day.

Well, when you’re with people constantly you don’t really have much space left for one.

There’s no theme that I currently feel very strongly for. Like hope. Or will. Or love. Or dreams. Or self esteem.

Sometimes writing a song can feel like acting. When I try to write about something I’m not really going through, or facing. Like grief.

But it feels like I can only write when I’m actually feeling it, only then will I notice the richness and detail of exactly what it feels like.

I think you can tell, if a song was written really generally, or if they really went through it. It’s like the way they wrote it translates everything you felt exactly like how you’d put it in words if only you knew how.

Does that sentence even make sense?

It’s a really unexpected, so that it’s not cliche, yet incredibly accurate way of describing things.

I was thinking of writing a song about Solomon. And how he found everything in the world meaningless.

But then I’d have to read Ecclesiastes first through. I think I read it halfway the last time.

Okay my brain actually hurts from thinking but it could also be because it’s 1am.

Fun fact, your brain doesn’t actually feel any pain at all because it doesn’t have pain receptors.

More Words

I’m really quite amazed at how much I can feel by reading people’s words.

Maybe it’s because in our Asian culture, people don’t really say things out loud.

But somehow when I see the word instead of hearing it, I feel a lot more. I’m not sure why.

It’s like how a word is forever engraved onto something, it feels a little more solid, intentional and real (although this isn’t the case for everything)

And I can read them again and again, and I’ll imagine their voices reading it out to me.

And their words kind of wrap around my heart, like a tight hug.

Just looking at a bunch of scribbles and I can feel all sorts of things.

Hear all sorts of things, see all sorts of things.

Behind every word an emotion, a memory, affection and thought, all of which are somehow connected to you, connecting the both of you. Someone had you on their mind while inking their words onto a page. And they wanted to translate all of these complicated things in their heads and hearts to you, and are able to do so with the simple process of writing.

Words are amazing.

There’s also something special about writing a letter without a reply.

It’s like “I just want my words to be with you always, and I don’t need to receive anything back.”

Just knowing I’m reaching you is enough

Okay this sounds a little too romantic.

New year

Wanted to write a little about how I feel about this year,

I’m not really sure what to feel,

It doesn’t really feel like there’s any distinction between this year and last year.

31st December and 1 January just felt like yesterday and today.

A pretty seamless transition. Doesn’t feel like there’s much to it honestly.

I have no idea what this year has in store for me, and I don’t feel much about it, so maybe I’ll just talk a little about last year instead.

I graduated from polytechnic, went overseas with my friends for the first time, had a close cell I could feel completely comfortable in, got into NUS, made one friend, got a lot closer to my family, OH started Busking, and got to meet up regularly with friends quite a lot.

A pretty exciting year packed with loads of new experiences, transitions and time to do things that I wanted to do.

Spiritually, I feel like what I’ve learnt most about this year and practised was on the importance of standing up for the truth that I believe in as a Christian, and faith in God’s overall sovereignty.

To not be a complete wuss and just say what people want to hear, but to say what they need to hear. To exercise faith in knowing that God is in control no matter what happens.

Sometimes I get the feeling that one day I’m going to lose everything good that I ever had in this life. I got a little bit of that feeling today, in the car with my family.

My life is so full of blessings, I wonder who I’d be without them.

It’s scary to think about it.

Next year, or rather this year, I really want to be more firmly grounded in the word, this time though, this conviction feels different because it’s not born out of guilt for not reading the bible like a goody Christian but really because I want to be used by God more.

I found myself in many situations this year a little more stuck just because I didn’t know enough of the bible. I want to be someone that can encourage another with a verse, that can pray biblically, with words and declarations founded on the bible.

I want to know who God really Is. every side of Him. Not just the parts that everyone knows and is easy to swallow, but the parts that may be difficult to understand, especially in the Old Testament. Both His grace and His fury, mercy and judgement.

Only then can I come to comprehend a little more of God’s love.

I really want unshakable faith.

And a love for others that doesn’t come from me.

I really want to grow.

Birthday

What is the meaning of a birthday?

Is it a celebration of life? A celebration of you? A counting of your days?

I don’t really give much thought on how to celebrate my birthday every year.

Usually I’ll just hang out with whoever’s free and do something I feel like doing.

This year, I just hung out with my friends throughout the week.

Wei Qian wanted to spend the entire day with me, and I felt like doing something fun, so we went to the carnival. It was really really fun.

And then the next day I hung out with my primary school friends, we went window shopping (all of us actually bought something though so I wouldn’t count it as window shopping)

I’m probably my girliest when I’m with them. I told them shopping with them is really fun because they really care about you being able to find something you like, and they genuinely celebrate with you when you do. We also hang around at random places like mall seats meant for uncles and aunties, and along glass panels to just chat about life. I really love them.

I spent today with my grandparents, just walking around Jurong east. Felt like it’s been a Long time since I walked around there. I held hands with them most of the time. I like how comfortable I can be around them. I realise it’s not really common to have grandparents you can be so close to.

Then I dragged them to this Japanese desert shop in Lot One to get some slices of cake. I don’t really think much about cake and my Mom usually chooses whatever they want, but somehow this year I felt like being really intentional in getting slices of cake to celebrate. I chose a chocolate one because my dad likes chocolate and my Grandfather wanted it, and then two cheesecakes because everyone loves cheesecakes, and this fresh cream strawberry cake I’ve always been dying to try from that shop. As I was picking them out, I realised something. This time instead of thinking about just what I wanted, i wanted to pick cakes my family would like too. Of course they were still cakes I wouldn’t mind eating too, thought of “what would they want?” Flashed into my head.

I couldn’t think of anywhere to eat for dinner, (although I had in mind maybe some expensive Japanese place), but my Grandfather suggested this Chinese restaurant at farm mart that he liked (we celebrated his birthday there), and it sounded like a good idea so we went there. It was a really delicious meal. Normally I would have just decided on going to some place with Japanese food, but this time round I felt like going somewhere my Grandfather would like.

We didn’t sing a birthday song this year (I remembered last year’s birthday and how awkward it was), I didn’t blow any candles either, so I said that each slice of cake would represent 5 years of my life, and my dad said “that’s smart”, and then he took a picture of me and my cakes.

Then we all ate the cakes together and everyone liked them especially my Grandfather, and I was happy that they liked the cakes I chose.

As a kid birthdays were all about getting wishes granted, because it’s my birthday! I have the the rights to whatever I wanted because it’s a day for celebrating me.

But as I grew older, I find that now I really just want my birthdays to be spent on celebrating the people I love in my life.

This is probably another example of how God has changed me, and really, nothing would make me happier than see people enjoying my birthday.

This year was good.

Okay my actual birthday hasn’t even started yet. But I’m really looking forward to it.

I’ll be starting the day running with sera first thing in the morning. (We’re gonna try running non stop from Bukit Panjang to Lot One) I don’t think she knows it’s my birthday, and I’m wondering if it’ll change anything if I tell her, and why it would change anything.

Maybe I just want her to know that I wanted to spend my actual birthday with her in the morning, and she’s that special to me.

Or maybe I just want another cake from her after we reach Lot One that she can buy from chateraise

Who knows hahahha.

Words

As I read those words

I remembered when I felt teary-eyed all those years ago

Now I feel the same tears, but totally different at the same time 

I feel a lot of things, all at once, and I’ve been staring at this space trying to find the words to describe it

But I can’t seem to

I have a feeling it’s got something to do with the fragility of words in the context of time,

Or rather in the context of people

Words can change drastically, they can mean something in one time and something completely different in another, 

They might give peace at one point and turmoil in another,

I guess words don’t really change, people do.

Hungry

I want a pure heart

That only wishes to serve God and others

A heart with no ill-intentions, 

I want to only rely on God

That my foundation will be solely built on Him

I want God to be so close to me that I will feel His presence always

That I will fear nothing, nor seek anything else

I want to be emptied completely, so that God can fill me completely with all that He is

No traces of bitterness, no bursts of anger 

Just love 

I want my joy to be found in glorifying God in everything that I do

Nothing else will do