Create

There’re so many things I want (have wanted) to do yet I’ve accomplished none of them.

I want to write a proper song that I’d be proud of, I want to write a full completed story (previously it was a comic but I think that’s really being too ambitious), I’m currently halfway through sewing up my fisherman pants, I want to compose piano pieces,

Past “wants” also include: wood carving, knitting, felt cloth making, pottery, I did try to draw a manga type comic once (think I got up to 6 pages and realised it’s way too much work),

I think I just have an obsession with wanting to create something. Something that I can call my own. Maybe I have an obsession with being special. To be irreplaceable. Kinda like how only you can create what you’d create.

I guess creating was what I wanted to make my mark on the world, no matter how tiny, when you create you bring something new into the world, like giving birth to a new life almost. An inanimate life form (that’s an oxymoron).

Right now it’s alternating between music or writing. But I’m not sure if I’ll even get anywhere with it. It could be just a silly fling to pass the time. It could be just an over-romanticised feeling of a journey, or it could actually produce a real gem.

That’s the scary thing about pursuing creative arts for a living I guess, and I deeply respect people who do. It takes a hell lot of courage to step into a path that has absolutely no guarantees, of which failure would lead to a devastating sense of worthlessness despite all of one’s investment into something that crumbled into nothing, or you could actually be onto something really good.

Not that I’m sacrificing anything or investing everything into anything.

I have a pretty safe career path as of now hahah.

Although sometimes I wish I was on a path that had a little more risk, and a little more excitement. (Not that social work isn’t risky or exciting, but it’s procedural and there’s a standard you have to meet set by others rather than yourself)

It’s that consuming feeling, not wanting to do anything else, excitement of the possibilities, imagining a future of really succeeding, making plans and preparations, but then when the excitement fades and the real hard work begins, that’s what separates dreams that are really just flings at a taste of idealism, or a real commitment to something that might actually come true.

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A little testimony

I was honestly feeling pretty in the dumps this morning, I felt so dead and I could feel that tingly sensation in the middle of my head that tells me I’m about to cry anytime now, and I couldn’t stop tearing up on the bus to church. I checked the period app and to no surprise it was probably a bout of PMS.

I always thought it never really affected me, but I guess I’m not emotional in a sense where I get easily agitated or annoyed. I just become really sad and depressed for a day or two.

This Saturday was super packed (a meeting in the morning, emceeing, DG, and dinner with jasmine) although sitting in for DG was cancelled because none of them came, and I really didn’t feel like I could get through it. I had half the mind to cancel the meeting in the morning because I thought I might just burst into tears in the middle of it. I don’t really know how to describe how terrible I felt. I just wanted to be alone. Away from everything. And it certainly didn’t feel like I was in the right state to emcee.

But the day went pretty good, and it was even enjoyable, and I know this is really God-driven, because I could feel my own self struggling so much, but when God was in the picture somehow that struggle dissipated, and that desire to be alone faded.

Consciousness

Before I slept I was thinking about consciousness. Well actually before I slept I was watching ironman 3. I was moving my fingers and hands around slowly, trying to feel what it was like to have armour or tonne in control of a suit like the ironman suits. But then I felt this weird out of body feeling, like it’s a strange thing that I can control this physical body. It bends to my every will and what I want it to do.

My body felt like some suit I was controlling. It felt like life was a simulation and I was being imported into this body to live in this world. Like a sim? An avatar.

I felt just like an avatar for a moment.

And then I felt so alone. Like it was only me in this avatar. And when I die, what would happen? Would my consciousness just be cut off from this physical body somehow? Where would it go? How does God handle our consciousness?? How does it work? Is there something more than just the pattern of electrical impulses in our brains that stores everything?

What am I exactly?

Just a bunch of electric signals and sparks between neurons? A record of every choice and thought I’ve ever made? Just all my memories?

I got a little freaked out, but then again it was 3am and I shouldn’t have stayed up that late or drank coffee (but my dad wanted Starbucks) so I just breathed a little, talked to God about the whole thing, felt better and then drifted off to sleep.

Dream log (forgetting everything)

Based on some prediction in the Chinese calendar, there was a day when everyone would simply just forget everything. Like a clean slate start a new kind of thing. Everyone took it seriously, and when the day came people were hugging each other taking pictures and all.

I was with my mom but she didn’t look like my mom, and I was taking pictures of her with a flowering tree’s branches as a background.

Pretty sure a lot more happened but I can’t remember what.

The dream didn’t last long enough for me to have actually gone through forgetting everything, but I’m not sure if it’s even possible to dream of forgetting everything, it’s like being in an empty state isn’t it??

I also dreamt that I was in Japan again, this time with my parents, and we were trying to find a room. We were on a road that looked like it was on the beginning inclining path of a very small mountain ridge, and there were two small building next to the road, one building was no. 51 and the one next to it was no. 75.

We opened the door to 75 and inside was a huge korean family, lazing around, one was drunk on the floor, and they grumbled about having to get out.

I remember dreading to stay in that place because they really made a mess.

I think this was my last dream before I woke up.

Dream log: trip to Tokyo

I was on Tokyo with my grandparents, although it looked nothing like what I remembered.

We were taking a cable car back to the airport to get our luggage which we left at the lockers, but it was this cable car taxi system, so it looked like the inside of a car and this Japanese man that looked like Shinzo abe was driving it.

He was a gruff, rude person, and kept complaining about the jam and how even though it’s a cable car, it’s not even in the sky but on the road along with the other cars. What’s the point of having a cable car??

The city looked nothing like Tokyo too.

When we reached, Shinzo got out of the car and lit up a cigarette. We were in the middle of some small dark alley, and he started talking to some random guy there who was also smoking.

My grandfather went up to him and asked him for directions to this train station, but Shinzo just brushed him off and said he’ll show us around Tokyo another time although we could tell he didn’t mean it.

Then we walked off and my grandfather complained about how rude he was.

Then I told him that it’s alright and I knew how to get around Tokyo, so I led them.

Suddenly we’re walking towards the toilets, and it was a really empty walkway with a small courtyard garden next to us. There was a huge tree in the middle of he courtyard sitting inside this circular patch of grass with a border made of cement. It was raining pretty heavily, and the circular patch was pooling with water and mud. BUT it was also on fire, like there was a blue flame dancing on top of the water like a baked Alaska. It was super strange.

And there was a lot of lightning. Just before I made it to the toilet, this Indian lady suddenly appeared, she was squatting on the floor and her whole body was on fire, kind of like the fire at the tree, I quickly rushed to her and patted her down with a wet cloth that I was holding (I have no idea why I had that) and the flames eventually died.

Then two other Indian people appeared, an old man and someone else, they were also on fire. My cloth was already dry so I went out into the rain to get it wet but then I realised something must be really wrong with the rain for it to still be on fire at that patch of grass, so I quickly jumped out of the rain, and asked them, “were you all standing in the rain when this happened??” as I tried patting the fire away with my cloth as well.

Then I woke up. And I felt so tired. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t the only dream I had, I vaguely remember another one but I forgot most of it. A night packed with dreams is pretty tiring like I mean my Brain is still running and active and all even though I’m sleeping I feel like I didn’t actually sleep.

Hoarder

In many years’ time who will I be?

Will I be any different?

Will the me now be lost completely?

Will I mourn her death or celebrate her murder?

It’s strange, it feels like I am different people living out different time zones. The me 10 years ago doesn’t exist anymore. So will the me now 10 years forward.

Maybe what I feel is grief. Although I haven’t lost anything, it feels like I’m constantly losing.

Bits of me and what I wanted. Past dreams and hopes. Isn’t that rather egoistic? Trying to cling onto every disintegrating bit of history, a necessary peeling of dead shells that have no more use.

I’m a hoarder of useless things.

Belief

So last night I was watching a bunch of Heath ledger scenes as the joker and interviews as his normal self, it was really amazing how he could put himself into the joker’s mind and portray him so well.

I also came across this quote:

You know when you see the preachers down South? And they grab a believer and they go, “Bwoom! I touch you with the hand of God!” And they believe so strongly, they’re on the ground shaking and spitting. And fuck’s sake, that’s the power of belief. Now, I don’t believe in Jesus, but I believe in my performance. And if you can understand that the power of belief is one of the great tools of our time and that a lot of acting comes from it, you can do anything

I thought it was pretty interesting to view acting in that way. It’s probably true, the greatest and most convincing acting performance is if the actor actually psychs himself into believing that whatever is happening is reality, and that he is his character.

Our reality is whatever we believe to be true.

“If men define situations as real, they are real in their consequences”

This is one of the few things I remember from my first year in poly. It’s called the Thomas theorem.

We all believe in different things, but my reality is the most real to me – my beliefs, and perspectives, what I think is permissible and downright wrong.

Unless I choose to believe in another reality. Like the Christian one. Isn’t it strange how reality has to be a belief rather than a fact?

No one really knows what’s real and what’snot. We can’t prove truth, we can only believe in it.

That we are loved, that we have a specific purpose. That there is life after death.

The greatest truths of the world are all unprovable.

Why does God find it so important for us to believe in Him? Why couldn’t there be a reality where it was certain to everyone that God was true, but where we still had the choice of choosing to follow Him or not?

Maybe belief is more than just a head knowledge thing. Maybe there’s heart in it too. To believe in something you can’t prove, there has to be a great longing for whatever you believe in right?

Maybe that longing is what sustains faith too.

When something is for certain, people might have no choice but to believe in that something. Like if I didn’t want to believe that world war 2 existed but someone showed me historical pictures documenting the war, I’d have no choice but to believe it right?

But if I couldn’t prove something for sure, the only way to keep my belief is in wanting to believe in it in the first place.

This wanting and desire is essential. Not just knowing but desiring God.

It’s something we can’t ever lose in our walk. Or we’d be no different to one who doesn’t believe.

Teaspoon

Ron said, “One person can’t feel all that at once, they’d explode.”

“Just because you’ve got the emotional range of a teaspoon doesn’t mean we all have,” said Hermione nastily, picking up her quill again.

At the end of today as I was walking back home I thought of this moment in Harry Potter, because that’s exactly how it felt like. I felt so emotionless the entire day.

Is this the start of another cycle of negativity again? – I wondered.

Some days I feel so affectionate and bubbly, and other days I feel like I can’t love anyone and everything feels meaningless.

But I guess that’s pretty normal. I can’t be rolling on a high all the time, and I can’t be down in the dumps all the time either. Somehow oscillating between the two is less tiring and exhausting than staying at either opposite ends of the emotion spectrum.

Or maybe it’s not that I don’t have any emotions now. Maybe it’s because I have way too many emotions that I don’t want to feel somewhere inside, and I end up not feeling anything at all.

But the only way to get rid of a feeling completely is to feel it completely.

Fresh winds

Finally got around to changing up the theme for this blog page. I’m preeeetttyyy happy with it, not too bright and cheerful but not tooo emo and teenagerish I’d like to think. As for the picture above, I was just searching for images in my computer with the keyword “stars” and this sole image popped up. I have no idea where it came from or have any recollection of when I downloaded it, but I think it’s a pretty cool picture. It’s kinda how I always imagined being in the dreamstate of one’s mind to be like – gasp or maybe this very image was what gave me such a metaphorical vision of what reflection is years ago.

The old theme was getting glitchy because they don’t support it on the site anymore, and it was getting hard to read back on my old posts.

Anyways, recently I’ve been feeling fresh winds of enthusiasm for meeting people. Okay maybe enthusiasm is too strong of a word. Inclinations…? Maybe. Very slight prods to take initiative and ask people I don’t know that well out for a one on one date.

I realise it’s a very Christian thing. People don’t really ask acquaintances out randomly for a one to one meeting. But I guess Christians are a lot more interested in getting to know people than normal people are.

I feel kinda anxious now that I’ve gone and done it – asked them out. But we’ll see. I don’t really like the idea of meeting people just once for the sake of meeting them, which is why I never really initiated meetings with people unless I see a possibility of a long term relationship between us. It’s like a touch and go kind of thing, and then the relationship turns stale and floats into an awkward space, like – hey yeaaah remember that one time we hung out and tried out being good friends?? And we connected pretty well huh? HmmmmMmMmmMM – and then barely talking again.

I just find it such an odd place to be. Really, really uncomfortable.

But there’s no harm in such brushing shoulders with another soul. We can’t be in long term relationships wth everyone. And one meeting has the potential to impact you in special ways. Kinda like how little asteroids plummet into planets and shift their gravitational axis off a few degrees – but that tiny shift could result in major changes in temperature/gravitational patterns.

So maybe I’m learning to respect such interactions as well.

Also been getting little whiffs of ideas for a story I’ve been meaning to write and possibly draw. My levels of inspiration and ideas tend to peak around EXAM time when I should be studying. And also when I’m cycling.

It’s about an alternate world where humans are the only creatures on Earth cursed with their Life-force being a physical, external entity.

So humans are completely reliant on something called Anima, to live. And the whole world’s constantly fighting in a state of chaos, violence, evil and greed for sources of anima, and everyone’s fighting so hard to live they’ve forgotten why they want to live in the first place.

Maybe the moral of the story would be something like how in embracing losing their lives for something/one else, the main characters find what’s truly important to them, like love, or the peace of the world they love. Or a person.

Hmmmm, I feel like the only way people can write out an entire story is if they fall in love with the world they’ve imagined enough. It’s so easy to just give up on flakes of ideas and abandon them in a wasteland of forgotten things.

Control freak

I always liked to think of myself as an adventurous person, I mean I do like trying out new things, and I’d definitely treasure new experiences but I wouldn’t want to make something new an everyday routine.

Like staying overseas for extended periods of time, leaving my family behind (a.k.a. My parents and grandparents).

I like safety and predictability way more than I thought I did. I like knowing what to expect. I hate it when plans are changed all of a sudden (even simple outings with friends that get cancelled during the week annoys me sometimes). What more changing my expectations of major life decisions and their paths!!

I never really ever seriously considered the possibility of having to live overseas for a while.

I’m not really sure what scares me exactly. I don’t think it’s that scary living overseas, I think what scared me was how completely different it is to what I imagined my life in the next few years will be like.

It’s the difference that gives me the inertia to not change anything.

I also realised how much I feel the need to justify every decision or situation that I find myself in. I always seem to need a reason to stay peaceful – even if it’s a self-made hypothetical one.

OH maybe I was meant to do this because of XXXX.

Hmmm maybe this had to happen so that XXXX could happen.

I always had to back up every otherwise seemingly senseless event with my own interpretations of its reasons for happening.

But there are many things that I will never be able to explain or give a logical explanation for completely.

Many things that seem senseless in this world do happen. Things we’ll never understand.

Well actually, isn’t God’s grace and love something we’d never understand? Technically isn’t God someone we’d never understand too?

I need to learn how to do things without understanding them completely.

And to not feel like I have to have every part of my life planned out already.