The In-Between.

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I walked two laps around my school with my friend today. And we talked about things.

And it’s been some time since we’ve talked about things.

I really liked it, it’s just that there’s something really nice about two people sharing things between each other. Opinions, thoughts, or best of all… memories.

Why do I like people? It’s not so much of what kind of a person he or she is, it’s more of the things that are in the in-between.

The things that float in the middle, like trust and care and understanding, compassion, love, and the lightness and the happiness.

The things we share.

It doesn’t really matter then, the sort of person you are. Who you are. What you are. (well, you must be human obviously but other than that..)

And it’s when you’ve got all these in-between things hanging around that it doesn’t matter if you’re spending hours, days, months, years together, because you’ll never get tired of that.

Even if the other person grows all boring and lame and weird, as long as the in-between stuff exists, it’ll all be fine! I guess that’s what happened with my parents, haha!

The in-between is a really rare thing. It’s even rarer than diamonds and all those sparkly things that aren’t really worth what they look.

They are like full moons!

The moon’s always there but you don’t see it full all the time. It happens only once a while, and when you do see it you can’t help but feel all happy and you won’t be able to stop staring at it as it hangs in the sky.

And it glows really really brightly when the world is at its darkest and you need it the most.

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Sing, sing, sing and make music with the heavens!

That’s it. I’ve given up on listening to the radio.
I mean, sure it’s fine when you need something playing in the background while you’re doing your homework, but most of the time, I can’t help but cringe at some of these ‘songs’! (I read somewhere that these apostrophes double up as flies, but that’s kinda mean, because you know what flies hang around with most of the time. Hint hint.)

I’ll then play around a bit with the songs on my playlist, but I’ll always end up playing songs from good old WOW Hits, or worship songs on my phone.
Of all the music on my phone, I can safely say that the only ones I’ll never get tired of listening to are worship songs.
Maybe it’s because of how we can never worship God enough. No matter what, I can’t possibly get tired of worshipping someone as great as that.
And I’ll scream them out loud at the top of my lungs when no one’s at home. I just hope God doesn’t mind if it sounds like an otter trying to sing opera. (okay, I don’t think I sound half as bad)

Anyway, I really should be getting back to work. major exams and all.

Oh and one more thing, worship songs are really encouraging for me when I do work because it reminds me of why I’m supposed to be working so hard and who I’m working for, so maybe you could try this too, whoever you are.

P.S. I really have absolutely no idea who reads these, or if anyone does. Well, hello there, person. (I hope you are a person, you are aren’t you?)

Sunlight

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I love it when the sun is low and it looks like golden threads are falling down into the earth.

And I love walking on grass at these times, when everything is crisp and golden and it feels as if I’m in a dream.

And the air is warm against my skin, and the wind is blowing softly, and bits of blue from the sky seeps through the sunlight.

And the sun makes the motes of dust so pretty, and you can only appreciate them at the time when the sun is like this. You can see them float like fairy dust!

Oh and people! When the sun shines at you at this time, your eyes become clearer and the most brilliant shade of brown, and you can see gold specks in your eyes when you smile. And your hair turns a warm honey colour even though it’s dull and black most of the day.

And the windows of houses will reflect the sun and the whole city will sparkle. I know because I can see it from my room way up high.

I call this time the ‘magic hour’, when everything just becomes ten times better than they were for the rest of the day.

It happens twice everyday. One in the morning when the sun comes up and one in the evening when it says goodbye.

It’s when the world looks like this that I don’t mind being alone for a while just to take in how beautiful everything can be.

It’s amazing how the sun can change the way everything looks.

I read a quote by C.S. Lewis that said,
“I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”

And I was reminded of that today.

Courage

“This is what God is telling me, and what I see in you, and that word is Courage.”

This was what pastor Ronald told me at altar call yesterday.

When people asked me what I wanted to do when I grew up, I’d hesitate a little before saying that I wanted to be a social worker.

I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to stand up to it. I’ve heard stories of people ending up in depression after working as one. People saying all sorts of things about being a social worker that made me feel discouraged. People saying, “what? Are you sure?” when I tell them.

And when I heard what pastor told me, it gave me a sort of strength that I would never have had on my own.

I remember as I was there listening to him, I tried my very best to remember every word, I really tried!!! But I could only remember some parts. It felt like a continuation from the time sister Andrea prayed for me, the one about gifts, and I thought that it was really cool! And it was most probably because it was the same one speaking behind each person who came to me.

“God gave you talents and gifts, and when he sees his child using them for his glory, he dances around you in joy.”
(I loved that idea, imagine being able to dance with God! We could do the Macarena.)

“don’t let the devil tell you you’re not good enough, you’re not being humble when you tell yourself you’re not good enough.”

“I pray against the depression that may come. Be strong.”

That’s all I can remember for now! Oh gosh, why why why do I forget stuff like this, but still remember the names of Pokemon from 5 years ago.

But the words I do remember, they will be etched into my heart forever and ever.

On a side note: I really want to hear how God’s voice sounds like! How did he speak through pastor Ronald like that? He spoke to me! A small insignificant little ant like me! That’s just so cool! I’ve always imagined he would sound like Liam Nelson in Aslan (from Narnia), but I bet it’d be way greater than that.

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Aslan the King of Narnia, one of my favourite characters of all time.

If God has a plan for you, don’t take it lightly. Have faith and do not worry, because for whatever he has assigned to you for this life, he knows you’re the best person in this whole entire world for the job, and that’s why he chose you. Plus, he’s always going to be with you, so don’t be scared and take courage!

Dream log #2

I’m in Russia with my parents on a holiday.

But somehow, the hotel room is exactly like my apartment.

And we were just looking out the window at the view outside one night and there were these large fake looking stars outside and I spent so much time trying to get a picture of them on my phone (I never get perfect pictures in my dreams)

And suddenly there was this explosion of fire from an oil refinery in the distance, a jet of flame shooting out from one of its long, steel pipes.

And these waves of blue light, kinda like auroras started to come out from no where and flowed slowly, weaving their way through the houses below towards us. And they played with the buildings and houses, and I shouted for my dad, “look! It’s some sort of phenomenon when fire comes out in Russian atmosphere!”

And then the auroras turned into shapes. They were blurry at first, but became more defined and soon I could recognise snakes and dragons and all sorts of scary things.

But they where multicoloured rays of light, like the figures in those holographic cards.

And it somehow turned into a nightmare festival of flying scary things trying to scare the whole of Russia.
And random things started coming to our window and talking to us.

A ghost. Two ghosts actually, and they looked like Casper. And they tried to scare me but I looked straight at them and ignored them and they left.

I forgot what the rest were.

My mum was sleeping soundly beside me on the bed, and she said something like,” better find daddy” when a giant baby head started floating in through the window.

And I scrambled out of the room, past the baby head and ran straight to my dad.( the whole house was dark for some reason and my dad was standing in the kitchen)

And my dad said, “Rachel, do you want a banana toasty?” and woke me up. (this parts not the dream, by the way)

Bedtime!

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This place just looks so cool!

When I was younger, at a time where going to bed at 10pm was normal, I used to fashion my own dreams every night before I slept. And this was when I started to sleep on my own in my room. It’d be so dark and quiet and lonely, and I was bored staying there in bed waiting for my mind to fall asleep. So, I’d make up stories to pass time!

I would always imagine me in some other realm, a place where fairies and monsters and knights and dragons and castles and forbidden forests and magical swords exist.

Oh and there would be all sorts of seasons there, mostly winter since I’ve not seen snow before and I’ve always wanted to see snow.

I would first start off with a large field. A meadow filled with soft, long grass. And the air would smell sweet, of herbs and wild flowers, and the wind would be ruffling through and the grass would be swaying.
And I’d stand there with my hair blowing in my face.

The field would melt into a lake just a few yards away, and the lake would mirror the midnight blue sky. And it would be perfectly still with only the slight ripples from the wind, sparkling with the stars from above floating in the waves.

A dark forest would sit behind the field, a row of pristine pine trees lined up in the distance, and I would trek towards it and find myself towered over by thick trunks and branches that reached out to the sky.

And the story would go on from there. Depending on what and who I’d find in that forest.

Somehow I’d end up in a team of bandits and we’d be off saving the kingdom or in search of some mysterious object.

Oh and I loved creating a magical market place that would always be a part of my adventure. I’d imagine myself buying back loads of things. (with foreign currency of course, I’d spend quite some time thinking of a name for money)

Flowers made of crystal that chime and tinkle, tornadoes in a jar, stars that you could encase in bottles and that you could pour out as sprinkles. And I would bring them on my journey and they would never have much use because I’d forget all about them.

What I loved most was that I could choose what I’d want to be, and every thing that would happen.

But I would always rather be the knight in shining armour than the princess in distress, so in this case the prince would be in distress, and I’d come galloping in with a sword in my hand on my trusty steed.

He would probably be captured by a bad villain (most likely the queen) who wants to over throw his kingdom. I mean, it’s so much more fun like that!

And I’d make all sorts of friends, with thieves and hunters and riders, and we’d go on crazy adventures together.

But it was a bummer because I’d always fall asleep before completing the story and I’d have to start again with some new one the next night.

Smile!

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Here’s a picture of a frog dancing to cheer you up! At least I think it’s dancing.

Its really easy to get stuck in a black hole sometimes.

Maybe it’s just because today was a really long day for me, but I’m losing quite lot of motivation. it’s when everyday feels the same, and when you’re going through the motion day after day after day doing the exact same thing over and over again.

You lose sight of your purpose and reason sometimes. And God would have to put in the extra effort to remind me of why I’m here and what I’m doing all this for.

I’m not really a positive person. I’m trying, I really am, but there are those days when it really gets to me. That feeling of emptiness inside. Am I the only one who feels like this? Or am I just thinking too much (I have this OCD on over thinking things).

But today I’ve decided not to come home grouchy and dumpy like a little goblin. I’m going to be a positive person! Yes as I type this now I can feel the positive stick-to-it-ness flowing in my veins!!! (I’m being positive and optimistic now)

Yes!

There’s this song that goes “I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can” for the entire chorus and even though it’s Japanese, I think I’m going to listen to it later.

I mean, people generally would rather be around people who are optimistic and happy right? I wouldn’t want to be a grouchy slouchy gorilla with my friends! (even though sometimes I can’t resist that urge to)

Rachel’s list of positive things:

1) studying is fun!
2) I’m happy!
3) Life is wonderful!
4) I’ve got great people around me!
5) I love everything (except for evil and cockroaches; they are pretty much the same things anyway)!
6) I can’t wait for the future!
7) I want to make God happy!
8) I want to make others happy!
9) God will give me rest and peace!
10) Be sunshine! Be rainbows! Be unicorns. Don’t be a gloomy donkeyhole.

So, whoever you are, if you’re feeling tired and sian, and sour and horrible and you’re making whale noises for everything, smile a little! Force yourself to smile! I heard that the best way to feel happy is to try smiling and laughing even if you have to force it. You’ll naturally feel better if you act it out!

Or you can make your own positive list, I don’t know, I’m feeling a lot sunshine-ish now, so I guess it works!

or you can repeat this to yourself before every study session:

YEAH, now I’m going to study. I love studying. I love learning, I like feeling smart. I want to understand things.
My future is going to be awesome! Which is why I’m studying so that it’ll be even more awesome. YEAH!

YOU CAN DO THIS!
I CAN DO THIS!

😀

Down Memory Lane

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Today was surreal.

It feels as if time became a flat piece of land, and I fell into a gap on the ground and stayed there for awhile. 

It was only a few hours ago that I was taking a national exam, and the next hour found me on a train ride with an old pal of mine. A really old pal. (We’ve been friends for almost 9 years now!)

It feels as if my busy life had come to a complete standstill. For just those precious few, glorious hours, where we caught up with the time gap since I last saw her. It’s almost the same feeling as taking a long walk along the beach, or flying a plane across the ocean, or lying down on a large field looking at the stars above you. Today felt like one of those days.

And it’s times like these that I really thank God for providing me with friends, because friends are like shooting stars. It’s only when you get lucky enough that you spot one flashing across the sky amongst the other millions of stars out there. And then you go chasing it and you catch it and you put it in your pocket.

P.S. I ate another bag full of Fried Mars Bars today. I should really stop this before I get diabetes. 

P.S.S. If you do see a shooting star GO AND CATCH IT NOW because you only see it once.

P.S.S.S. But that doesn’t mean that there won’t be anymore in the future, because these sorts of things deserve second chances. So don’t worry!

Brave enough.

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I love searching for pictures! I just thought this was really cool.

I’ve been hiding a lot today.

But I’m wondering now why exactly did I need to hide? For various reasons, stupid reasons.

Even now I’m thinking, “Man, if only I’d taken some other bus,” or “If only I’d left school earlier!”

Thing is I’ve been hiding for a long time and I still do. Just not that frequently anymore, since the problem’s pretty much gone now. But I still get that same feeling of fear every time it comes back again. And I remember. And I get the chills. Oh and tons of regret.

I wish I’d handled it better in the past

But regrets are like creatures that chase you all the time and eat you up when you look back. So there’s no point looking back…right?

I wish I’ll be brave enough one day to be totally and completely unaffected.

But is it really wrong to not face it? I mean, sometimes, hiding is a good thing, right? It keeps you safe-ish.

But not if you’ve been at it for three years. Sometimes I really feel like a weakling for running so desperately away.

On the plus side, I finally got to try fried mars bars today and they were so amazing I farted rainbows and unicorns!

But still.

Dream log #1

Sunday 21 July year 2013 4:39am

I’m in the car with my parents and kiss 92 was playing on the radio. This lady started talking about how there was this Armageddon book that said that on the end of the world, the sun would move across the sky at an alarmingly fast rate, and by 1:03 pm, the sun would set and throw the world into darkness. And then my dad switched stations to some boring interview and I said,”noooooo! Let me listen!” and I used my phone instead but when I finally got it running it was just boring opinions of people about the book.
Then I became that floating spirit thingy because i’m not anywhere in my dream. There were four people in coloured spacesuits running on this alien terrain. It looked like mars because the Sand was red and there was this long bridge made out of sand that stuck out in the air, and these four people were running on it.
And then the blue guy screamed because there was this spider-like creature trying to eat him up! It scrambled frantically after them, with its long spider legs, And the thing got a hold of him eventually and started ripping him into different pieces. But he didn’t die, and every part of him was still alive! moving individually.
No wait, there was this blast of fire that shot up and consumed the guy too, (oh no I’m starting to forget everything. ) I think that was before the monster alien spider thing ate his parts. And then I could see inside the monster, and the inside of the monster looked like a small cave with muscular walls, the pinkish kind that you can see all the lines and folds. And there was this pair of teeth that sat in the middle, that looked like stalactites (or stalagmites) and his head was sitting next to it. There was like this small piece of flesh still stuck to the bottom of the head squirming. And the head was sobbing like a little child. And I remember thinking, “is he just going to sit inside that monster forever with only his body flesh thingies for company? Sucks to be him.”
And then I remember I was telling Darren how I am not going to eat anything live ever again. And we started talking about how ikan Bilis get their heads crushed and how their eyeballs just squirt out or something when people eat them.

It took me quite a while to realise I was in my bedroom.

I should really get back to sleep I’ve got a long day ahead today.