The one thing that makes a friendship true, in my total honest opinion, isn’t whether you two can have a laugh. It isn’t whether you guys are exactly the same. And it isn’t whether you both can talk non-stop for a really long time.
Trust is a great thing, it gives you the ability to share your complete mind with another. And that’s great! Because then, the burdens that you do carry with you, feelings, stress, secrets and stuff, it’ll be a lot less hard on you if you’ve got a friend that you trust completely.
But…I don’t know anymore.
See, I just found out that this friend of mine has been telling on me behind my back. Twice. (I forgave her the first time.) Somehow, I don’t feel angry, or upset at all (Thank God for that who knows what I’d do if I felt explosive!). I think the best word to describe how I feel now is…disappointed. Really, truly disappointed, and I’m sighing as I type this right now.
What I’m most disturbed about is that she didn’t say anything about it. I mean, I wouldn’t have minded if she shared my secrets if she told me she was going to, it’s the whole, spilling it behind my back part that I’m disappointed with.
She’s someone I tell everything to. EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING. She knows practically every single little thing about me. And I felt safe sharing stuff with her, but now, I’m not so sure anymore. I don’t think I can do something like that again, and actually, I don’t think I can share anything with her either, now that I know. Do I wish I’d never known? Yes, sort of. But I’m bound to find out eventually.
I’m not saying I’m never going to talk to her again! She’s too important for me to do anything like that. I can’t lose someone like her, but it’s just that my confidence has dipped, a little. Okay, maybe a lot. I still love her and everything, but…I don’t know. It feels like something broke inside of me.
I don’t think I can trust people that easily anymore, this whole thing has really broken down my confidence in people, and I feel like I’m going back to what I used to be like, and I used to have loads of trust issues. I don’t ever want to go back there again, because I just feel so alone not being able to share anything with someone!
Nobody wants to lose a friend. But nobody wants a friend that isn’t real either. I’m just glad that at least I’m not alone and God’s always there even if friends and family fail you. It’s encouraging to know that there’s an eternal hotline for help out there, and I can just imagine God telling me he’s been there done that. I mean, He’s been betrayed so many times I can’t even think of comparing what I’m feeling right now to what he must have felt back then. And the thing is, God still loves and forgives. I’ll try my best to forgive her too.
Now the problem is how I’m going to act like everything’s fine and normal. Because I’m horrible at acting. Really, if I were acting in a movie, that movie would do so badly it’ll top twilight in the hater department.