They say you start finding out who you really are when you’re 16. Im turning 16 this year, but still.
What does that mean anyway? How do you find yourself? How do you know if that’s who you really are? What makes you you in the first place?
Is it wrong to be two different people at once? Because sometimes I feel like I’m a sufferer of split personality disorder. I can be one person on one day and a totally different one in another. Am I the only one who feels this? I really hope not.
It’s like how we’re all different people at home, with our friends, or alone. Sometimes I can be really quiet and I’d like to keep to myself most of the day, and sometimes I just can’t stop talking and laughing. It’s worse when the switch happens in the middle of the day. Because that’s when the people around me think I’m acting weird and all.
Thing is, I don’t know which is the one that I really am. Maybe I’m actually introverted and quiet, or maybe I’m crazy and I’m just having a bad moment. (in this case it would mean that I’m having a bad moment all the time)
I don’t know. Do you feel like that sometimes? Confused at what kind of a person you are? If I were to ask you now, “Hey! What sort of person are you? Describe yourself!”
Would you know how to answer it honestly?
I don’t know exactly how to describe myself. And at this point of time, I would say I don’t like talking much, I keep to myself as often as I can and I don’t like being around a lot of people. (I know you’re going, are you kidding me? There’s no way in hell that you’re like that! but that could be due to the fact that I’m alone now pretending to study)
If you were to ask me this while I’m out with friends I’d tell you I’m outgoing, sociable and MAN DO I LOVE HUMANITY!
Today I pretty much kept to myself all the way. I hardly said anything to my friends, I hardly joked, I was basically a living block the entire day. And now as I’m sitting alone at the study corner, with my worksheets lying empty in front of me, I feel perfectly fine and totally not lonely at all.
I bet it’d be different tomorrow. A lot different.
Do you get my point on why I’m so completely confused with myself?
Do I like people or am I really a closet vampire? (I mean the kind of vampires that hate people and not the likes of Edward Cullen)
(Or it could just be that I’ve been PMSing my entire life, having too much fun on the mood swing in Rachel’s playground. )
On a more deeper level than just figuring out if you’re introverted or extroverted, there’s so much more to a person that just can’t be put into words on a blog post.
A person is a complicate thing to describe, it could take a whole book series (for Harry Potter’s case, 7 books) for you to think you know a character when you can’t possibly know everything about him/her. But I guess that’s how you really find out who you are. Not just by a sentence or two. It’s basically your life that tells you who you are.
People show their true selves when they’re in really great danger and when they’re really scared. As in heart-pounding, frantic-breathing kind of scared. That’s when you see past all the masks they’ve put on, all the facades they’ve built up for other people over the years.
Their true selves.
It’s when people are scared that you see what sort of a person they are, whether they’d run screaming, whether they’d be brave and put up a fight, whether the first thing they’d do would be to protect the ones they love, whether they’d put themselves in danger for the sake of others. You just can’t act when you’re scared! You can’t pretend you’re a daredevil. You can’t act like a hero. Because fear takes control of you like that.
It’s the choices we make that make us the people we are.
It’s the memories we hold that give us our unique life perspectives.
It’s the things we do, the things we say, the things we think about all the time that tells us a lot about ourselves.
And it’s the things we want to love that tell us what’s most important. And everyone has different priorities.
So I guess if you asked me, I’d say I’d probably not be able to exactly figure out who the heck I am. Maybe you could come back later with that question when I’m an old prune sitting on a rocking chair 80 years later, after I’ve already lived most of my life. (but be prepared to listen to my entire life story, which would probably take you another 10 years)
Or instead of dwelling so much on that thought, I could just spend a lifetime trying to be the person that I want to be!
That sounds like a much better plan, don’t you think?