The Sky

The Sky really inspires me.

There’s just something about how it changes everyday. And when I look at it and see all the colours and textures mingle together, I just feel great! As cheesy as it sounds (though I know someone capable of making anything even cheesier), its beauty really does make everything seem brilliant. Even the dull Singaporean Landscape looks awesome with an amazing backdrop that is the sky.

It’s like the ultimate painting.

Go on, rush over to your window and take a look! I’ll wait.

See? There will always be something nice about the sky, even if it’s just plain and white because it’s going to rain. It could be that weirdly shaped cloud in the distance, or the way rain clouds are highlighted pink by the sun when they are grey. It could be the golden outline of a cumulus cloud when it shields you from the sun, or how a rainbow of colours blend out perfectly above you when the sun sets.

Right now as I look into the window beside me, I see a really clear blue sky, slightly faded like washed cloth. I’m really high up so I can sort of see the horizon, fringed by a mass of high-rise flats. There’s a mountain range really really far in the distance, probably from Malaysia but it’s just a bluish grey blur that seperates the sky from the buildings.

And floating just above the horizon are dollops of the same, bluish grey clouds, small puffs of them, just like those that come out from the trains we always see in cartoons. And the sun’s feeling shy at the moment, it’s hiding behind a thick wall of cloud that slowly disperses the higher it goes, and the very tips of this cloud are glowing a pale golden orange, thanks to the shy sun behind.

So now there are blues and whites and greys and golds, but if you look closer you would see a tinge of grapefruit pink peeking through the grey near that horizon line, it’s almost red the longer you stare at it. This tinge of pink is where the sun is. Because it can never totally hide from you if you look closely enough.

The Sky actually inspired one of the longest stories I’ve ever written. And it’s still a 64,000 words long document file on my computer just waiting to be worked on again. Thing is, I’ve not touched it in such a long time, I don’t know if I’ll be able to continue it! I’m scared of losing that whole world, and the characters that live in it. I’m sorry Ella, and Hauyne, and Covelle and Ekan for not continuing your stories. Someday I’ll come back again but just don’t leave me forever!!! Plus you guys are stuck right in the middle of an invasion by theParhelians, but don’t worry, Ella,  you’ll learn how to use the Lamina Aeris in time.

Where was I? (I literally paused here for more than 5 seconds) Yes, the Sky.

Which is now slowly fading into a dull purple, and only a streak of that orange gold is left as the sun goes down further (Or if you’re itching to correct me scientifically, YES I KNOWIT’S REALLY THE EARTH THAT’S TURNING. Satisfied now?)

Go lie in a field full of fresh, crisp grass. (But if you’re scared to death of insects well, a well-tended golf course should suffice)

It will be the best place to watch fluffy, white clouds roll lazily past above you against the azure sky.

Or you could go to the seaside and watch the sunset as it casts its kaleidoscope of colours onto the ripples of the sparkling sea.

So yes, the Sky.

Go watch it sometime.

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Thinking about thinking about things.

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I’m feeling really sick now.

With a throat that feels like a burning highway in the middle of the dessert with tractors scrapping their machines across the smoking tar.

And a nose so stuffed I could bake it into an American thanksgiving turkey.

And my head feels so heavy it could be a number 15 bowling ball.

I know i’m exaggerating but really, this does not feel good at all.

But it’s OKAY! I’m usually healthy so I trust my immune system’s working on it at the moment.

Anyway, I’m sitting in bed and I’m thinking of things. And I’m wondering if other people do this too, you know, just sitting and thinking. About what? You ask, well don’t bother asking because they flow out as easily as they flow in.

Random things. Sometimes I dwell in something random for quite a while before moving on.

What do you think about most of the time?

They say the first thing you think about when you wake up is what’s most important to you. (besides thinking, “what’s for breakfast?”)

I can’t believe I’m writing about me thinking of things instead of about what I’m thinking of like I usually do.

Anyway, I asked around with my friends at school.

“what do you usually think about?”
Or
“what are you thinking about?” when they are completely silent.

They usually answer with a “nothing.” for both. And when I doubt them and say,”seriously? You must be thinking of something at least!”

They just tell me that their minds are really completely blank. As white as a white board cleaned by me. (I get loads of practice so I’m quite good at that) Or as white as anhydrous copper sulphate. Or as white as PVC glue. Okay I’m just coming up with nonsense similes.

How do you even keep your minds blank anyway? How is that even possible? I wish I could do that once in while. It would stop me from over thinking things I guess. I do over think a lot. Too much, until things start worrying me.

It’s like the highest stage in some yoga bliss thing right? But people say keeping your mind free from thoughts is what makes you susceptible to demon possession. So YAY! I’m totally covered, insured, because I can never have a blank mind no matter how hard I try.

So I don’t know of that’s a good or bad thing.

Today is one of those days when I just feel like lying in bed and thinking about things for the entire day. I guess some people call it ‘slacking’.

I call it, relaxing in an active state of mind.

P.S. Well at least my parents left me half a slice of this gigantic home made Russian chocolate cake coated with brown sugar and crushed caramelised walnuts and thick dollops of cream.

P.S.S. NOT that I think of breakfast first thing in the morning I don’t!

P.S.S.S. still have no idea what P.S. stands for.

The Path That Led To Nowhere

I feel literary again today! So here’s a poem because I don’t think I have enough time to write out a story.

 

There was a path

winding its way between two houses

more like a drain really

but there were stairs that led to it

 

… so it must have been a path

 

And it went deep into nothingness

a shadow that disappeared.

There was no end to it.

At least, not that I could see its end.

 

Carpeted with mould

of yellow gold and green

shadowed by a canopy of trees.

 

The air was still

not a soul in sight

which led me to wonder

If I’d ever come back alive

 

Lay forgotten a broom at a side

And forgotten was

What no one knew.

What you’d find lurking 

If you continued still

 

Hoping closer into the unknown

across the drain and over uneven stones

I don’t think I can go much further

 

Someone was killing mosquitoes

with a thick dense fog

and not wanting to be trapped forever

in the path that led to nowhere

 

I chickened out.

 

Maybe some other time then.

Hope I’ll find it again!

Things I wish I could do part 2

4) Speak Chinese Well

So many times I’m given an opportunity to talk to an Aunty, and I just blow that chance because of my sad incapability of speaking Chinese.
The aunty of the takoyaki stall. The other Aunty that works with her. The Aunty that works in the stall next to the takoyaki stall. (somehow they all recognise me and wave to me when I pass by)
The Aunty librarian from
school I just sat next to on the bus. I mean I really just feel so frustrated when talking to her because I was reduced to nodding my head and smiling a lot, only giving comments about the weather just because I didn’t know how else to say what I wanted to say. There was so much more I could have said. I could only just listen to her (like I did last month for more than an hour during free period until I forgot all about recess) but it was fun because she talks about a lot of interesting stuff. I mean, If I had to spend my entire day in a library alone I’d have a lot of things to say too.

Just as I was typing this on the bus, this really old auntie came up with two large bags of stuff, and the bus made a really hard break and she fell, as it stopped, onto one of her soft bags (thankfully) before I could grab hold of her. When I did, she was already on the floor laughing cheerfully and as I helped her with her bags she bounced back up and smiled a toothless grin and nodded a thank you. I really admire how she remained so cheerful and happy even after falling down in front of everyone. I had a lot to learn from her!

And so I smiled again at her as I alighted the bus and she returned it warmly.

Where was I? Oh yes, not being able to speak Chinese well. I guess I really regret not taking Chinese seriously when I was younger.

What The Stars Say

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Today was a very magical day.

I was brought into the sky with a warm, spherical, glowing ball. It was soft, and there were things flying around in it. We passed the weirdly coloured horizon, until the earth became nothing but a small ball in the distance. At first I only saw the little that I could see in the sky. The stars looked small, like fairy dust, and even though I said I could see so many stars, I really couldn’t see that many even though I tried really really hard. I lied to myself, I told myself that I COULD see them. (I’m sorry Darren!)
Maybe it’s because I did want to see that many, I wanted so badly, but no matter how far and how hard I looked, there were only a few of them, the ones that were closest to us. Those I could see.

But that was as far as my universe went.

And later on in the day, God let me see the stars that I couldn’t see. The ones he created. The rest of the universe, or everything!

So, so many of them, so big and bright and amazing! The ones he created by name and knows in detail. He painted the sky with stars, and each one carefully put into place for the world to see. He loves us so much to give in so much thought to a sky that hardly anyone appreciates anymore.

And I was on that ball, and I remember telling God that I didn’t want to come down. I didn’t want to go back. But I felt so incredibly undeserving, of God, to let me even have a glimpse of this. I don’t deserve any of this, I deserve nothing at all, not me.

And as I walked I felt guilty, so horrible, so stupid, so ignorant, so foolish, so self-centred, so arrogant, so miserable, so misinformed, so meaningless, so shallow, so blind. For taking him lightly. For seeing him with my shallow eyes. For not giving him my all. For not doing my all. For not trying hard enough to give God the glory he deserves

Because ‘all’ of me is not even enough to make up to the light of a single out of the billions of stars he created. I was only capable of seeing one as small as a speck of dust.

But it’s not because of how small I am.
It’s because of how big God is.

It’s useless wasting my time thinking about how less of there I am! I should be focusing on his greatness and goodness than on the speck of dirt that is me.

Because of these wonderful stars that say so much though they are silent. They cry out the love of God, they shout out his greatness, they declare the faith we should put in him, they praise his splendid wonder and awe, they sing out about the one who knows them each by name, they remind us of how much he cares, they prove his hand on our world, and that he is bigger than anything we can ever dream of.

This is what the stars say.

And he, God of the universe would have wanted to know us. I mustn’t EVER forget this part. Everything is useless if I forget that he loves, he actually loves! And wants to know someone like me. Someone as small as me. A vapour in the wind. A drop in the ocean. Not even a star in the universe. The God, creator and everything I can’t possibly give enough words to describe, would even come into my room every night and listen to me talk about stupid things. He gave us all what we can never ever deserve.

So now, if I were to go back to that house, with the creaky bench and the creaky floorboards and the wind chime. With the moist grass under my feet, and the large 7-floors-high tree. After I’ve dug though the snow, and opened the floorboard with difficulty, found the cold candle, the sign and the velvet carpet slide that went up. After I’ve wooshed through and stood on the platform. After crawling out the window and sitting on the chairs that stuck out. After I asked Darren what we would have seen when we looked up to the sky I wouldn’t have kept quiet. I would have said I saw the brilliance of God above us, and the sky would be so vast with stars. And I’d listen to them say those things. I would have said I wanted to sit there forever and listen to the stars. Because I can finally see them now.

I wouldn’t have been annoyed by what the deep voice that sounded like Aslan said next.

And this time, I’m not going to let the chairs slide back in. I would have cried out, “NO, WAIT!”
I’m not going to fall down back to the darkess I came from. I would hang on to a branch, maybe. And I would have caught Darren too. I refuse! I will continue to watch the stars!

And I’d go on with my life, with the stars above and what they say in my mind, always.

Things I wish I could do

1) Bake.
There, I said it, I’m horrible at baking. Oh it’s fine if you’re giving me some recipe to follow, but I will never ever EVER for the love of all that is good be able to bake the same thing twice. It turns out different all the time! I tried making cookies once and they turned out fine first. But the second time they became bread-like soft thingies. And the third time they became scones. EVEN though I’ve been doing everything exactly the same. I see pictures of other girls making so many awesome yummy cupcakes and cookies and I just wonder how the hell they did it. And I can’t help but feel envious sometimes.

2) Gardening
Plants die in my hands. I once decided to try rearing flowers, I even got the whole gardening pot and soil and seeds and fertiliser with my pocket money. And guess what? Nothing grew. Nothing. It was as barren as mars, maybe even Pluto. I waited for weeks for the seeds to sprout. And it’s still sitting in my kitchen till this day.
I can’t even rear cacti! No, really! I even got fertiliser specially for cacti and watered it according to the instructions on the back! It shrunk and became this flabby piece of life that soon perished. I’ve always wanted a large garden if I ever had a big house! And then my children (if i’m blessed enough) will be able to play in it. Guess that’s never going to happen:(

3) Study and not procrastinate

This is really ironic because I’m actually procrastinating right now. Which I should stop because this is one thing on my list that I can actually achieve.

I’ll continue this some other time:(

*puts phone down and goes back to chemistry textbook*

Dream log #3

I’m standing right in the front row of morning assembly, and we’re all in the hall.

For some strange reason, there were red, velvet curtains hanging above the first row, and they came down from the ceiling in long, thick strips, almost touching the floor.

Then a wind blew and the curtain beside me kept slapping into me. And I pulled it off my face and it kept going at it.

And everyone was looking at me, wrestling with the stupid curtain. I remember my Biology teacher was there and she started talking about me to the entire school.

I was still wrestling with the sodding curtain. It kept trying to entangle me in its evil clutches!!!

Then I got pulled down to the ground and dragged about as the wind played with the curtain that was wrapping me up like a burrito. And I fell several times with my face smashed into the ground.

Seriously what’s wrong with my brain in the mornings.

Anyway, if you need a booster today you’re in luck! Here’s a series of awkward animal sleeping positions!! I laughed so hard in my room searching for these it’s a good thing no one’s at home to stare weirdly at me.
Enjoy! :

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What if…?

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There was a period of time when there was this piercing pain in my heart. And it lasted two days.

I’m not talking about heartache! I mean, real, physical pain.

And I was sleeping at that time when it came. It was as if someone was poking this sharp needle into my heart and sliding it in and out. And it was also getting hard to breath.

I thought, “what if I’m having some heart problem?!” and I got up from bed and sat there for some time. When the pain didn’t go away, I curled up into a ball and crouched because it felt better, and it went away after a while. Then I went back to sleep.

It came back the next day during lunch while I was at school. I was breathing weirdly, and my friend saw it and said, “eh, you okay or not?”

And I said it was nothing, but I ended up telling her about the previous night.
“I don’t know, what if I die tomorrow? Haha,” I said laughing, but she just looked at me seriously.

“I think you should go check it out. Ask your parents bring you see a doctor tomorrow!”

Now this was all happening while I was queuing up for noodles.

The pain stopped after a while. And it never came back. But what if…?

What if today was the last day that I would live?

I mean, I’ve always talked about death lightly because I know it’s not the end, but thinking about it, if I died tomorrow there’d be so much regret. It’s just that regrets can’t chase you anymore because you’ve already joined them as nothing but a shadow on earth.

I read this book about a girl who was murdered at 14, and it was about her looking down at everyone on earth from her heaven. And she lived the rest of her life (I mean death) through the ones that were still living.

If I died at 15, I wonder what would happen on earth? Would I just slip away after a few years, and be forgotten by everyone? I’d rather they did. It’s better to live with the living then to grasp onto the dead that can never come back. So I’d rather watch them from my heaven and see them live happy lives, instead of mourning me everyday even if that means I’m not going to be a part of their world anymore.

So many people I should have said, “I love you!” to.
So much time I’ve yet to spend with them.
So many things I’ve yet to experience.
So much I’ve not done for God yet, on earth I mean. In heaven everything’s done already, right?

They say life is like a heaven boot-camp that prepares you for heaven.

Or that every morning that God wakes you up for means a day where you have a purpose. If there’s nothing left that he wants you to do, he’d take you home to be with him.

I think that’s really nice.

Reflecting on death can make you reflect a lot about life too. Now I feel like I want to live my fullest.

What if I died tomorrow?

Maybe you could think about that too, if life doesn’t seem like anything to you now. We all notice something when it’s taken away from us, so.

An Empty Sky

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Don’t You Know?

You have something very special inside of you.

You don’t know what it is, and sometimes, it feels like nothing is there.

Why do you feel empty? Why can’t you see?

Don’t give up, Don’t throw it away! Don’t forget what you can’t see yet!

You don’t know how much I see.

So please don’t think you are empty

I wish I could tell you. I wish you’d believe in yourself more.

That God made you for a wonderful purpose.

That only you can fulfill.

And he will be with you, like the wind beneath your wings.

Or the sunlight on you as you walk.

Or the shelter that protects you from the storm.

It’s like how you can’t see the stars

When there’s an empty sky.

but they are actually all shining at us, like you said.

And there are so many of them inside of you

Follow the black cat of the Alley!

If you were to walk past an alley, no matter how big or small, always be on the look out for a black cat.

The black cat goes by the name of Edgar, and Edgar has large, emerald green eyes and a shiny coat of black fur kept meticulously pristine by constant grooming. You can tell it is him by his eyes, and it is always the eyes that give him away. They will be different in ways that I will never be able to explain.
Look! There he is, right there in the alley behind you! Turn around, do you see him carefully watching you under a sign board stuck to the wall? You read the sign and it says “SingPost”. He observes you carefully, his ears sharp and tuned. With a quick flick of a tail he decides to ignore you and turns on his paws back towards the alley. Quick, stop him, run after him before he disappears off into the shadows!

You call out, “Wait, stop!”

And Edgar ignores you and continues on.

You scramble towards him and into the narrow alley lined with dustbins and air-conditioning fans. No one seems to notice you out in the streets as you disappear along with the cat.

“Stop bothering me, Human,” says Edgar as he turns a head and glares at you with those green eyes that seem to glow in the dark. “I’m a busy cat, I don’t suppose a human like you would understand that. Quick, be off on your way.”

“You talk!” you exclaim, and Edgar squints at you with his pink nose high in the air.

“It just shows how awfully stupid you are, did you not talk to me first not to expect a reply?”

He sounded like a king, the way he talked, pompous and mighty, as if a fanfare would burst out playing any second after.

I must tell you now to not take his insults too seriously, for cats will always be cats, but the chance of an adventure may never come across your path again. If you persist keenly, the black cat may take you along on an adventure of a lifetime.

“Well,” says Edgar looking you up and down, “I suppose I might need an apprentice if you are,
really that desperate, human.”

“I have spare time,” you say and Edgar regards that with a twitch of a whisker.

You follow him as he leads you through the alley.

“Where are you taking me, exactly?” you ask as he leaps onto a low roof. You follow him, not as gracefully, but eventually manage the pull yourself up onto the roof with a shaky elbow.

“it is my job to find out and yours to follow, human, “says Edgar. “Stop asking me questions, it gets on my whiskers.”

Edgar follows the roof and jumps, landing swiftly onto another. You follow him, taking care not to slide off the slippery, mould-covered bricks.

Suddenly, you hear a high screech from below. It reminds you of the grinding of metal and gears. You look back and see black shapes on the grimy walls of the alley below, growing bigger and bigger as they slide towards you at an alarming speed.

You feel a hard nudge against your right leg, and it is Edgar slamming his head into your calf, “What are you doing you fool of a human? Run! Now, come on!” says Edgar gasping.

You shake your head and heed his instructions, as Edgar springs forward.

“What are they?” you cry out as you leap over another roof. You hear the ear-piercing screech again and glance past your shoulder. You scream at what you see.

“It doesn’t matter what they are! JUST RUN!”

However, I will tell you now exactly what those horrible things behind you are. They are known as Vultures to the cats, but they are not the Vultures that humans are familiar with. No, the Vultures that you know of are quite harmless indeed.

They are shadows that follow the shape of a deformed human, no two quite the same. Some have terribly long arms, or fingers that extend into claws. Others have a leg, or two or three. It is known that if a Vulture manages to catch a hold of your shadow, the part of which your shadow belongs to will be its own forever.
The Vulture will eventually consume you entirely, first the ankle, then the shoulder, your ears, your mouth, and finally your heart. It is rumoured that Vultures who have captured humans still live amongst us today. And you will never be able to tell the difference between the original soul and the dark shadow that now resides in the bodies of the ones who once lived.

Which is all the more a reason why you should run as fast as you can and listen to Edgar.

To be continued! I have to go for recess now.

P.S. this is inspired by a picture I took of a cat that looks like Edgar! But I can tell it is not really him, you can always tell by the eyes;)