Masks

 

 

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I tried finding pictures of masks but they were all scary so here’s a picture of a cute sad dog instead._.

I think we all have masks.

It’s just something we all learn to make for ourselves as we grow up. Sometimes to protect ourselves, sometimes to hide ourselves, and sometimes we have these masks because maybe, our true selves aren’t interesting enough for ourselves.

I think I had these masks when I was younger because of all three._.

 I’m glad I learned slowly how to peel them all away. Say, a few years ago, I’d be a different person around different people. It was like faking myself again and again, and it was really tiring. Because you can’t love yourself that way. I think that was the period of time when I was trying to figure out who I was. 

Who am I?

I remember writing about this some months ago this year. I think I’ve learned a lot since then.

I think you only truly know who you are the moment when you can accept yourself and love the person you are. When you feel confident in your own skin. And how do you know whether that’s truly your own skin? Maybe it’s when you stop having these different personalities and just become ONE person throughout whoever you may be talking to.

How you act:

When you’re talking to your different friends.

When you’re talking to your parents.

When you’re talking to a stranger.

When you’re talking to someone you don’t really like.

When you’re talking to someone you absolutely love.

And when you’re talking to yourself…right there, in your head.

 

I used to play it cool around certain people. Tried to be different. I’d pretend to be someone I’m not. Even the way I wrote was different. I used to write in a style that was modelled after my favourite story character in some random library book, and it’d change sometimes. Pretending was a big part of who I was.

And sometimes, I wouldn’t even know who I truly was anymore. It felt uncomfortable, being different people, around different people, I was sick of it. It was like being a liar to everyone, and being a liar to myself.

So…

It JUST FEELS SO GREAT TO FINALLY BEING ABLE TO BECOME JUST ONE PERSON!!

There’s something that gives my pretending away… and i’m about to tell you a secret on how to tell when I’m acting or something like that. I get goosebumps all over my arms when I do. Because even I creep out myself by how I act. NOW, don’t misinterpret ALL the times when I get goosebumps. Because I also get goosebumps when I  a) sneeze, b) get cold, c) watch a touching scene of drama or anime (Now how does that happen?!).

It’s been a very long time since I’ve felt that chill run down my spine. (I know it’s weird that I creep myself out by my own fakeness) 

Really, If you’ve ever felt like me, having all these masks and it tires you out like no tomorrow, try letting go of some! just be who you’re most comfortable being and be that same person no matter who you’re with (or if you’re with no one at all). If that personality doesn’t tire you or give you some weird sort of feeling, then you’ve found out who you are.

I LOVE BEING JUST ONE PERSON. It really is quite refreshing! (I sound mental here, probably because it seems like I have split-personality disorder)

And this one person that I am now, I don’t think, would have been someone who was anywhere near who the me in the past would have wanted to be. (It’s too ordinary and not as cool)

discovering yourself takes a lot of time…and memories. Don’t you think your memories are what make you special? Only you have your own unique set of memories that only you can own and see. And perhaps these memories shape you somehow. I also read somewhere that you are the choices that you make. I think that’s really true too. 

The things that I went through, the friends I made, the lessons God taught me, it took a fair bit to help me get to who I am today.

I don’t know if I existed back then, or if I was just buried deep (really deep) inside.

But I’m glad to be who I am now:D

 

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Dream log #4

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I was in the living room with two of my friends in my house. But the living room was sort of my living room but…not quite. I was telling them about how hard macarons were to bake.

“You can’t overfold the meringue cookie mix!”
“And the colour will fade while baking so we have to add a little more colour to it”
“The egg whites should peak sharply and not droop, plus we have to wait until a thin crust forms on the cookie, which will take about half an hour to one.”

I said.

And then the lady from the YouTube video I was watching suddenly walked into the room and smiled at me, as if pleased I had listened and studied her instructions wisely. And I felt so proud of myself. Then she asked for a photograph with us and we took a few photos as a paparazzi-like hoard of photographers came swarming in with their bulbs flashing and cameras shuttering away.

Then random strangers walked past (I doubt we were still in my living room) and wanted a photo but they were shooed away.

And suddenly I’m walking down some city, orchard-road like street, I think we were shopping for a dress for one of my friends for prom. And we spotted Heidi klum walking into a shop. She was really tall and tan and had really shiny long legs and was wearing this short, white dress and had short hair that was sleek and straight.
I cried out, “hey that’s Heidi klum! You know that famous model! That shop must be good lets follow her.”
Do we trailed after her into the shop.
But they only sold makeup stuff.

And then I woke up, and realised I was late because I’m supposed to be baking macarons today with my friends._.

To My One And Only Walrus

I don’t really know when I first started noticing you.

But I think it was that time when we went to Sizzeria with our cell group in that Bukit Timah place. On the way as we walked, I remember asking you what you were afraid of, and you said you were terrified of bees. And I wanted to talk to you more but you went ahead to chat with the other guys._. I was surprised that you didn’t hesitate to spill out your fears right there and then without any shame, and it’s really something that not many guys can do! (Abandoning their man pride and all)

I guess I just wanted to talk to you more…I liked talking to you! Even if I had only talked to you properly for a few minutes..about…bees, and how terrifying they were._.

Anyway I tried to sit in front of you so that I could talk more, and I did! I remember you adding crap loads of cheese onto your pasta that already…had a cheesy base. I mean you were piling up like a mountain of cheese onto that plate, maybe that’s why you’re cheesy(LOL)

It wasn’t really much back then. I only remember thinking, haha this guy is pretty weird, and funny, and nice…and cool in his own way.

Then we went ice skating. You were going on and on about how it was your first time skating, and how you were sort of scared that you’d fall. Inside, I thought, YES!! I ACTUALLY HAD A CHANCE TO talk to you more because I’m pretty good at skating. So I offered to help you, I don’t know if I was being too nosy at that point of time or if you noticed. You know how cliched it is when the guy is always leading the wobbling weak girl by the hand in dramas when there’s some ice skating scene? Well, I liked how we were different that I was the one helping you instead! I don’t know why I liked it like that but I did.

You were firmly griping my arm and wobbling and shaking all over the place! I liked how you held my arm, because I felt that you trusted me fully with the safety of your spinal cord and butt (you know, in case you fell or something). I really liked that feeling of trust.

I guess that’s the story of how I got to notice you.

I can’t really remember how we started talking. It just feels like I’ve been talking to you since forever! It started with guitar…didn’t it? Playing Love Story (I think it’s a nice song choice HAHA). And I guess it snowballed from there.

Every time I heard my phone go, “Baaah dah Baaah dah!” My heart will do this somersault leap thing (AND it still does up to this day even if it’s not you._.) I learned so much more about you…more about your views, your feelings, your life, what you ate for dinner, the things that made you special. You said people thought you were boring. Boring…really?! I saw you as the most amazing person that was so interesting I’d want to know every single thing about you. (yes I even took interest to what you ate)

Which was why I told you one of the days, “You’re not boring Walrus:D” I don’t know if you took it seriously but I really meant it.

I got to know you without a face. Well, more specifically, I got to know you for who you were instead of what you looked like or how you sounded. I liked you for the pure essence of you (This sounds creepy, and probably smells like old uncle medicine and coffee). But you know what I mean!

I thought about how you’d react if I told you about how I felt about you. A part of me wanted to tell you so, so bad, and the other part was really afraid that I’d ruin everything. I guess it was me wanting to get closer to you beyond that awkward barrier where too much would be awkward. I’m sure you felt it too. You know, like how sometimes I’d think, “Wait, if I send this would he smell something fishy or feel totally weird about this? Nah, I think i’ll rephrase that a little, and I’d better add a smiley face.” I really wanted to get rid of that barrier and just come clean and be completely honest to you instead of having to hide all the time.

I did it in the end, and I finally told you.

I guess we both know how crazy and surreal it felt at that point of time.

By this time you’ve already become that one person that’s always on the back of my mind. It seemed as if every random thing on the street reminded me of you. I wanted to tell you so many things. I wanted to tell you everything. I wanted to be there for you all the time, I wanted to make you smile, or laugh. I felt sad when you told me about the things that made you sad. You really became a part of me somehow!

But this was something that wouldn’t last forever. There were times when my own selfish human nature took over me. And I realised how different it was. Loving someone else other than yourself was something that was very hard to stick to. But when that feeling came, that feeling of wanting to care for someone so much came, it was overwhelming. And I realised this was just a fraction of the kind of love that God feels for all of us.

I can never really put into words how much you truly mean to me. I guess I’ll have more opportunities in the future to do so:D

So you can imagine how I felt on saturday.

It’s like having to forcefully hide how much you mean to me from now on.

You know how scuba divers can’t immediately go back to the surface after a deep dive or their blood will burst into life-threatening bubbles? I dived in too deep, and I was pulled right up to the surface. I think my blood just erupted into foam on saturday. I cried really really hard where no one could see me. It was that sort of silent-ish crying, the kind when you just feel so helpless and hurt and your knees start to tremble and you can’t even stand up straight. It’s a wonder how my eyes weren’t bloodshot or anything. Pain is really hard to hide, somehow i managed to throughout the day._.

It was really hard for me not to look back at you when you left after dinner.

Disinfectant…it was really harsh disinfectant.

I hope my blood starts returning to its non-foamy state soon.

I guess we can only just have faith that God has everything planned out for us and for your future (which I’m sure consists of some pretty darn awesome stuff)

So, there isn’t anything to worry about! What happens happens, and what doesn’t doesn’t…right?

Fate.

It’s already written somewhere in heaven the story of your life and the story of mine. And there’s nothing we can do to change any of that so we can’t worry!

So if I was really meant to be in your story and you in mine, then I guess it’ll work out somehow! Like how we got to know each other at just the right time. We’ll be best friends forever of its meant to be! \(^o^)/

All we can do is to try our best to make it work, everything else is pretty much out of our control:/

Let’s think of this as a trip to find ourselves first! Getting to know ourselves before we get to know each other more! It’s like sorting out ourselves first since we’re still young and foolish teenagers who don’t know any better or something LOL.

I guess we have to wait until that happens. The time when we find ourselves. We should take this time to learn more about who we are, there’ll be plenty of time for other things in the future!

My heart will always wait until then. For you.
(Cheese:D and I just realised I used two joe brooks song titles in that!!)

But really. I will! And I really mean what I say.

It’s not the end of things now. It’s just the BEGINING!

Let’s do our best! Fighting! Walrus! Fighting!

(^_^)

Lots and lots and lots of love,
Stinky dugong.

That other world

A year ago, I could stare up to the sky and see airships and sphynixes and cities that hovered admist puffs of clouds and rolling waves of stars in the sky.
Or maybe even catch a glimpse of a few brave heroes racing past pillars of clouds that tower up to the sky like giants.

Now it’s really hard to see these things, hear them talk, plan out their next adventures.

I want to go back to that world again so, so much. I miss being able to see these things that had always filled up the back of my head wherever I went. Yeah, sometimes a little alone time is good.

It feels like that world has left me behind. Maybe it’s moved on. Or maybe I’ve moved on. I just don’t want this to be some part of a childhood fantasy that doesn’t ever come back again!

Last week I went on a cycling trip, now, I don’t cycle to stay healthy really. I cycle to talk to myself, you know, a little alone time for just me and my brain. But sometimes I talk to God too, so I’m not all completely alone.

I have something to confess.

I’m a bit of a nut-case.

See, I literally just talk out loud when no one’s around. I whizz around empty roads on my bike and the wind that rushes by usually blocks out my voice so I hope no one hears me. Last week I imagined Hauyne (who’s from that world) sitting behind me on my bike, and we caught up on a lot of things. He called me an idiot and an arsehole for forgetting about everyone, and also swore at me for racing down this really steep hill and hurting his bum. I told him other things I can’t really put here on a public platform too but he didn’t really comment much about them besides telling me that it’s my own fault. And insulting me more._.

He has about the mental age of a thirteen year old, always crude and impolite and perhaps a little on the arrogant side, but when it comes down to helping people, he grows up a little and becomes the hero that he always saw his hunter of a dad to be.

I think you’re judging me already for being a complete nut case but rest assured I’m pmuch saner when I’m with other people, well at least I hope I am. I really like talking to Hauyne he’s one of my favourite characters.

Or you may think I’ve just got a sad, sad case of the lonely bug, making up friends for myself who aren’t even real. (ouch, you’ve hurt my childish dreams)

YES I HAVE MAKE BELIEVE FRIENDS NOW QUIT IT. I’ve ignored them for so so long I feel so sad. Well, I did learn a lot about myself from my adventures with them so it’s good.

Don’t ask me why I always talk to them in accents I just can’t see them being Singaporean. It’s British most of the time.

Song for you – by Alexi Murdoch

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It’s only when I really listened carefully to this that I found out how beautiful and raw the lyrics were to this song. I don’t think any song can ever describe what it feels like so well. But I don’t think this is the best song to listen to when you’re already crying your guts out because this will make it so…so much worse._.

When I listened to it I had that image in my head of a girl looking up to the sky like that and so I drew it but that was all I got.

So today
I wrote a song for you
Because today can get so long
And I know it’s hard to make it through
When you say there’s something wrong
So I’m trying to put it right
Because I want to love you with my heart
All this trying has made me tight
And I don’t know even where to start
Maybe that’s a start

Because you know it’s a simple game
That you play filling up your head with rain

And you know you are hiding from your pain in the way
You say your name

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Flying so you won’t land
You think no one understands
No one understands

So you hunch your shoulders
and you shake your head
And your throat is aching but you swear
No one hurts you, nothing could be sad
Anyway you’re not here enough to care
And so you’re tired you don’t sleep at night
As your heart is trying to mend
You keep it quiet but you think you might
Disappear before the end

And it’s strange that you cannot find any strength to even try
To find a voice to speak your mind
When you do
All you wanna do is cry

Well maybe you should cry

And I see you hiding your face in your hands
Talking about far away lands
You think no one understands
Listen to my hands

And all of this life moves around you
For all that you claim
You’re standing still
You are moving too
I will move you

Also, it’s a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad idea to keep your pain inside you. Really bad. It gets amplified, as if a single bullet shot wasn’t enough, it ricochets off the walls of your hearts and keeps on going madly like no ones business.

Even small little things can cause you so much pain if you don’t deal with it and just bury it inside the graveyard of your heart all alone.

Like I said it’s a really bad idea to keep it in…
Yet people do it all the time.