Last day.

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I didn’t think I spent my last day in 2013 with much gusto or anything.. It wasn’t a big crazy day with loads happening like I would have expected it would.. (Actually I didn’t expect anything)

This year’s the first time I’m going to be attending watch night service, and I really wanted to go this year because I wanted to move on to next year unafraid. I don’t want to be scared when the clock strikes midnight. I don’t want to be alone. (I know God’s omnipotent and he’s everywhere, but it’s just a different feeling when you make the effort to seek him in church!)

Already I sense a feeling of anticipation.. And this doesn’t happen very often for me on the last day of the year. I’m usually just chilling out on the sofa watching the fireworks, I don’t actually feel any difference between one year and another. This time though, I know next year’s gonna be a really different year for me. And not in a comfortable way. I know I’m going to face loads and loads of trials, I know many things will change, I know I might change too..

Can you feel next year coming? It’s coming like a slow wave in the distance that only speeds up the closer and closer it gets.

Are you shaking your legs? Shake Shake Shake.

I am._.

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This year

Next year is two days away. It is definitely not at all how I imagined it would have been. And now it’s just plain scary. This year has led me to learn loads of things. I think a little reflection should be good
since I’m starting to feel a little negative again (THIS is also something I need to change)

This year has taught me not to plan out my own future for myself. It never goes anywhere near my own plans and that’s the way it should. Because my own plans are not great enough for God’s plans. The future is never what we want or expect, and pressing onto our own hopes only get us hurt and disappointed in the end. We should just trust in God and do our best. NOT to say I do this often, my mind is always filled with doubts and worry. This is just something I’ve learned, and something I’ve had yet to be able to do.

It hurts, it really does hurt when what you believed so much would happen doesn’t. You’re bound to fall when you put your hopes on something that isn’t God. I made that mistake and so now I’m suffering the consequences:(

Another thing, pride really warps your perception of everything. It makes you make mistakes and say things you shouldn’t. It stops you from serving with a right heart. There are a lot of bad things when it comes to pride, I’m slowly learning what it means to be humble, and it really isn’t easy. It means putting others before yourself. It means less thinking of yourself and more on others. That’s the one thing we all have problems with. Selfishness. I can’t help but think selfish thoughts all the time. I can only thank God I didn’t act on half of them.

Well it’s okay to think these thoughts, it’s only not okay when you don’t filter them out and act on them. It’s not wrong because these thoughts will no matter what, will enter your mind, like temptation, it’s only what you do with them.

The world is full of lies!!! So many lies that people believe in and follow, this year, I got some lies sorted out and I’m thankful for that.

Relationships are hard. I never thought I’d ever need to think about about stuff like this so early but I guess this is God’s way of teaching me a lesson or two and from making even bigger mistakes in the future. I don’t think a lot of people really know how hard it is until it’s too late and they’ve crossed the boundary. It’s not (only) the sweet perfect thing we see in movies and dramas. I added the (only) part because there are sweet parts of it! Just that most of the time, it’s not, and that’s the part most people overlook.

I learned more about love and what it is, really, and not what the world makes it to be. I’m thankful I learned that so early in life. Most people don’t learn that until it’s too late. I’m still learning what it means to love someone. What it means to feel happy when the other is happy. It’s hard to feel happy for a friend is she’s got better results than you. But love changes things and you really do feel happy for her even when you’re stuck with crappy results. That kind of love can be shown in something so small as this example. I want to learn how to love that kind of love. I’m sure many opportunities will come next year for that.

I learned what it means to really entrust your life to God. It sounds great at first. Trusting God with your life… So… Isn’t that the same as saying my life’s going to be the best life ever since God’s gonna give me the best?
Thing is, God’s best may not be what you think is best for yourself. Trusting God with your life means following what he says even if you don’t want it. It means being okay with anything He puts into your life. It also means not worrying or doubting his plans for you, because if you trust him, you won’t have to worry about a thing.
This is something I have to REALLY REALLY work on so so much. I find it very hard to let go of my life and my wants. The one thing that helps me do it is the fact that God has a better plan for me than I can ever think of or know of, in the long term, since my mind’s always short-term-ish. And, this kind of commitment, of entrusting your life to God has to be made every day, every second of your life and it’s not just a one time moment.

I really want to be a better person. As I write this, I find tears filling up my eyes. Because that’s how much I really want to be a better person. I’m crying out, God, God, help me! And I’m literally tearing now daaahhhhh.
Anyway.
I’m crying that out, and I really really don’t want to end up being someone God would not want to be in his kingdom.

Writing this post has made me realise really how much I’ve learned. I didn’t plan this post at all, these words just came pouring out one by one. There’s so much more I’ve learned too besides what I publish here.

Honestly, I’ve been feeling down all day, filled with negative thoughts, and being a resident of the sofa the whole day doing pretty much nothing. I took my phone and I felt this nudge to write something even though I had no mood at all to write. I actually wrote a post before this, but realised how negative it sounded and deleted it after that. Because that post did me no good at all. It sucked.

Now after writing this I know a few more things too. All I want for next year is to be a better person. Nothing more. I had to many things I wanted next year, and God took them all away from me, and now I know, and am thankful for that.
I really pray that I’ll be able to think more positively now. And smile.

😀 here’s a smiley face so I don’t sound so horribly emo.

GO GO GO!!

I should really stop wallowing in self pity and just let it go.

And I should really STOP listening to sad Korean drama OSTs when I’m sad to make me even more sad!!

I think sometimes… I don’t even try to make myself happier. It’s almost as if I don’t want to, letting myself go through all that unnecessary pain.

WHY AM I DOING THIS? I don’t know.

I don’t think I’ve truly let go of all the hurt and pain to God yet. And that means I can’t truly forgive. Forgiving is some pretty hard stuff. But I think it takes time.. Slowly bit by bit I think I’m learning how to let it go.

So this trip to Penang IS REALLY A TEST. I hope I pass it with flying colours.

I just want to actually be able to have some fun with my family. It’s been a really long time since I was able to feel that. Sounds like a simple thing, huh? Well it’s really not. Especially if I have this really bad negative mood going on.

So I’ll pray a big prayer now (well at least to me it’s big). God, please give me a positive mindset for everything during this week!! Please!! I need a miracle! Help me to let go of the hurt and to forget it, knowing that you know this hurt even more than I do. And that it’s completely useless to hold on to it anymore. And I have to pray in Jesus’ name because if not this means nothing, so in in Jesus’ name I pray.. Amen!

Stone Cold

I should try remembering what this pain feels like so that in the future I can understand others the same way.

Pain gives me compassion. That’s me trying my best to think of this as positively as I can.

Here’s what it feels like:

Sometimes, maybe a heart of stone is better.

It’s easy ignoring everything, forgetting everything in the day, when no part of your life consists of home. You go out, with your friends, diving into their company with gladness and relief. But then you’re dragged back to the surface when it’s time to head home. Sometimes, you just feel like staying in the warm, warm water forever.

And when you step through the door, the weights fall back upon you, heavy, and sad. It looks dark, and empty. And you’re all alone again. The worst is really the hollowness inside. When nothing fills a space it collapses too easily.

This sick, hollow emptiness that consumes you from the inside out.

Your heart’s still solid, so you feel nothing yet but that heaviness.

But then you make the mistake of thinking too much, and you feel the walls cracking, and it crumbles.

When it starts melting that’s when all the pain comes back again.

And you can only sit there with your head buried in your knees, lost in your thoughts of all the horrible things that could happen, and replaying all the horrible things that did.

You don’t feel like eating, or doing anything…at all. Just sitting there, like a rock, perhaps thinking that that would turn your heart back to the stone-cold state it was. And it only makes it worse when all those feelings start flooding you all at once, because you’ve held the flood gates closed for far too long.

Why, why, why, why, why

What should you do, what now?

You’ve tried so hard to protect yourself from these feelings. But it burns after a while. It’s like waking up from a dream, facing the harshness of reality. Because reality forces you to feel things.

You feel like the future’s telling you nothing of how this is going to play out. Your food is left cold on the table barely touched.

Nothing matters anymore.

Then you fall asleep with your bed soaked with tears, your eyes dry and puffed, and you wonder how you’re going to wake up tomorrow and continue living with that normal face of yours when inside you feel like you’re going to die all over again.