Stone Cold

I should try remembering what this pain feels like so that in the future I can understand others the same way.

Pain gives me compassion. That’s me trying my best to think of this as positively as I can.

Here’s what it feels like:

Sometimes, maybe a heart of stone is better.

It’s easy ignoring everything, forgetting everything in the day, when no part of your life consists of home. You go out, with your friends, diving into their company with gladness and relief. But then you’re dragged back to the surface when it’s time to head home. Sometimes, you just feel like staying in the warm, warm water forever.

And when you step through the door, the weights fall back upon you, heavy, and sad. It looks dark, and empty. And you’re all alone again. The worst is really the hollowness inside. When nothing fills a space it collapses too easily.

This sick, hollow emptiness that consumes you from the inside out.

Your heart’s still solid, so you feel nothing yet but that heaviness.

But then you make the mistake of thinking too much, and you feel the walls cracking, and it crumbles.

When it starts melting that’s when all the pain comes back again.

And you can only sit there with your head buried in your knees, lost in your thoughts of all the horrible things that could happen, and replaying all the horrible things that did.

You don’t feel like eating, or doing anything…at all. Just sitting there, like a rock, perhaps thinking that that would turn your heart back to the stone-cold state it was. And it only makes it worse when all those feelings start flooding you all at once, because you’ve held the flood gates closed for far too long.

Why, why, why, why, why

What should you do, what now?

You’ve tried so hard to protect yourself from these feelings. But it burns after a while. It’s like waking up from a dream, facing the harshness of reality. Because reality forces you to feel things.

You feel like the future’s telling you nothing of how this is going to play out. Your food is left cold on the table barely touched.

Nothing matters anymore.

Then you fall asleep with your bed soaked with tears, your eyes dry and puffed, and you wonder how you’re going to wake up tomorrow and continue living with that normal face of yours when inside you feel like you’re going to die all over again.

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