Evil

Can there really be people out there who are 100% pure evil?

Watching TV, I’ve come across some pretty chilling true stories about psychopaths who really seem like they don’t have an ounce of human in them at all. (Just watch the Crime and Investigation channel)

But, if they don’t have a single bit of good in them left, it kind of means they don’t have a chance, do they?

Yesterday I watched another episode of ‘Touched by an Angel’, and I learned that the devil only has as much power as you let him.

Which is really really true.

“Free will is a curse, God screwed up.” He said (Satan, I mean. He was messing around with some poor guy’s mentality in the show to become a racist killer)

And Tess, one of the case worker angels replied, “Free will is a gift.”

Which makes sense, because you can’t completely, truly love God if you didnt have a choice.

But… These cold-blooded killers didn’t even contemplate any choice at all. They just killed for the fun of it, ravishing in blood, almost like a lust.

Which makes me wonder, you know, if there is any person who’s really pure evil. But, just like how there’s no one in the world who’s pure good, well, maybe that person doesn’t exist.

Even the most horrible of murderers who kill out of just the fun of seeing blood and pain, maybe… just maybe there is a little bit of hope left in them? I don’t know. But I don’t think they were born evil. It was probably something that the world put into them. Into the darkest pits of their hearts.

Like, If some crazy man killed someone you really loved just for the fun of it (and this really happened to real people out there), and doesn’t show any remorse or guilt, and just laughs in your face, how is it possible to forgive such a person? Even though that’s what we’re supposed to do?

It’s crazy that this actually happens to real people, and they have to bear that hate and bitterness for the rest of their lives because it’s just impossible for them to give it up.

I really don’t know what I’d do if I were them. Naturally, I’d want revenge, won’t I? I’d want to hunt this killer down and take away what he took away from me.

Oh, there’s something I remember from the same episode of ‘touched by an angel’ that I mentioned earlier. (Wow am I making loads of references to this show, but it’s a really good show!)

Vengence isn’t supposed to be yours, but God alone. Only he can judge and give punishment. Here, I looked it up on the net:

Romans 12:19

Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord

That gives me some sort of comfort.

Well, in the event if someone murders a person I love dearly out of cold-blood. WHICH I HOPE NEVER HAPPENS :0

ever.

Man, I should stop thinking of these things.

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Perfect timing

Something I’ve learned from watching ‘touched by an angel’, is that there’s never a “too late” or “too early” situation in our lives.

There’s always a reason for why some things happen and some things don’t.

It may take a week for me to find out, or maybe even a year, ten years, or maybe I’ll never really know why what happened happened for the rest of my life!

It may be one small little thing that God wants me to learn first, before I get to be anyone else, because it would make all the difference. Or it could be a situation to avoid, or something I don’t know!

But… All I can do is pray that He will give me the patience that I need and to just wait upon The Lord. Not be some kiasu auntie trying to a cut a queue in NTUC.

I’ll get my basket of tau fu and minced chicken meat and chicken stock and vegetables when I get it, You know? When it’s time. The right time.

That was a really bad analogy.

All I can do is trust that…

God’s timing is perfect timing.

Dream log #7

There’s this woman, an European woman who had ginger hair. Let’s call her Betty because she looked like a Betty.

I don’t know what I was doing there, I think I was helping out with her father’s funeral. And her father was the kind of dumpy man that looked like a little dwarf, with long shaggy hair.

I don’t remember the rest of it.. After that I’m in this large room with 3 beds on each side, and at the front was this grand looking 2 sided door. Betty was there and there were a few other women too, all getting ready to be massaged. There was a tribal quilt on each bed.

Thing is, somehow I knew that there was this crazy psychopath after Betty. And I see scenes of him finding her, with a dagger in hand. He was half bald, with a brown crown of hair at the lower parts of his scalp, and he had round spectacles and a moustache.

Then someone was banging on the doors and we all looked in horror towards it. It was the psychopath. I think I had a sort of omniscient view and I could see everything that was happening.

I forgot what happened next. Suddenly we’re at a staircase running down, and a few circus men came were chasing after the psychopath, and they finally killed him with their show props or something. Then loads of policemen came to take him away. At this point I felt relief, but then, I wondered, hey, where’s Betty?!

Then I’m walking down this dark hallway that looked like it belonged in a hospital. I see Betty, alone. She’s peering into a room, just peering, and I couldn’t see her face.

I slowly walked up to her back and patted her, “hey, you’re safe now, don’t you want to go back?”

Slowly, she turned her head.

She glanced at me over her shoulder. I saw her eyes, they looked like a wild animals eyes, and they were rapidly changing into every imaginable colour.

And she whispers in this low, croaky, possessed voice, some sort of creepy nursery rhyme.

I remember it had ‘night’, and ‘beware’ and ‘wolf’ in it. And she grins at me. Right there and then I knew she was going to kill me, so I ran away from her and headed to the door.

At the door was this man who shut the door after thinking no one else was in the building. And I frantically looked back over my shoulder into the dark hallway.

That was when I woke up.

Very, very creeped out.

Dream Log #6

I’m yelling at a child, in front of her playmates. She’s not even crying, she’s just smirking and not listening at all. She’s got attitude alright, the kind that just asks people for slaps. Her parents have given up on her, and I’m yelling at her to listen to me and the attitude that she has really stinks. None of her playmates are doing anything, they’re just watching her with empty faces.

Then she runs away and calls me names and tries to get away from me, and I feel really fed up and I feel like giving up on her too. So I hide somewhere (I think it was a toilet) and wait till she comes back. Then I drag her with me and squat down in front of her. (At this point of time I think I woke up a little)

Instead of shouting now, I grabbed her shoulders and knelt down, speaking softly and slowly to her, “At this rate, no one will like you, you know. Do you really want people to hate you? Do you really want all your friends and family here to hate you? If you don’t change, you’ll live a very lonely life, you might even die alone. Don’t you want to change?”

Then I woke up.

I would have liked to think it went on something like this after that:

The girl cries and says in between sobs, “I don’t want to die alone.”

And I’ll say, “Well, you be good and nice to people, and people won’t start leaving you alone now, will they?”

 

I hope that was what happened.

Daily resolution part 2

4) To thank God for everything

Even if it’s a little rocky now from time to time… Even if things don’t go as I’d like to. It’s something I didn’t really think much about last year.

Having a thankful heart sure is tough. But sometimes I just wake up feeling great thinking of everything that God has given me. For seeing me as me and not Rachel the sinner. (Something I was reminded of watching ‘Touched by an Angel’)

Especially with this great golden sunlight shining on my face.

Having a thankful heart makes every bad road not that bad at all, because then I’d be thankful that at least there is a road for me to walk on in the first place.

And to not complain. Man.. This is a tough one too. Complaining just increases the pity I have for myself, and the pity people have for me.

I guess there’s a difference between complaining and sharing. I have to watch my tone. Complaining about something means that I don’t accept what’s happening and I’m just always yelling (in my heart of course) “WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY”

( WOOPS I just smacked someone in the head holding the handrail in the MRT. )

Anyway err, well, yeah, to be thankful! More thankful. ( but obviously not to be thankful for smacking someone in the head._.)

Love

I’ve never felt so much in such a long time. Anger. More of hate really. Anger’s good for some things. But hate is never good. And this isn’t good at all.

I can feel my entire body shaking, my hands quivering so much I can’t hold anything properly. I can’t breathe, and I hear my heart pumping madly.

I had to run and run and run till my legs ached and I could I feel that painful stab at my side to get rid of some of it.

It sounds like a really bad case of stage fright, but this is much worse.

This feeling is me trying to contain my feelings, me trying to stop them from exploding out. It’s so hard to just keep quiet and not say a thing.

I feel something stirring inside of me, tearing things down, breaking things, making my heart feel like granite. Very cold granite.

It’s funny how a few bad memories can totally erase the past that was good. I can’t even remember how it was like before all this.

It’s so cold and empty. How long has it Been since I’ve truly smiled in my own house?

I can’t do this.

No I can. I’m supposed to be a positive person now right? God can help me. He will. He’ll wash me with his love. Let me think of his love and how I’m supposed to be like him.

How he even loved the people who were nailing him to the cross.

How can my difficulties compare to that? I’m not being nailed to the cross.

This is nothing.

Let’s just think of it as a slight drizzle in comparison to the storm.

I do have a father. A heavenly one. So why should I feel sad? He is the only one I should rely on and need.

I was going to title this post as ‘anger’ but I realise, ‘love’ is a much better title.

I really need to learn to love like He does.

Dream Log #5

 

I’m in this desert. 

With rolling hills of orange sand, rippled with the wind. I’m with this bunch of teenagers like me, and I’m riding on this scooter, shooting down a sand road. There are other people racing beside me, but instead of a scooter, they’ve got those small, toy cars that kids can sit in and pretend to be real car drivers. And the cars were yellow and had a black stripe down their hoods.Other people had scooters too, but I remember I was really good at scootering. I did this swerve thing, and a wave of sand sprayed out as I turned. That was really cool.

Somehow we had to stop riding around the desert and it was time to pack and go back (to who knows where). So I followed this Old man with a white beard (He was european for some reason) and we walked down a path, which led to this tropical jungle vegetation. (Scenes change really easily in my dreams even if they make no sense.) There was this gushing, huge river in front of us, and there was this long, suspended wooden bridge going across it. It was hanging dangerously, way above the river, and as I stepped onto it, I looked down onto the river and saw what looked like the snout of a hippo cruising down the river. And then another, and another, and I realised the river was full of them. 

I quickly ran to the Old man who was ahead of me and I frantically told him, “There’s something in the river, quick look!” Now there were a few young men ahead of us, I think they were jungle explorers. 

We quickly rushed through the bridge but just as we reached the end, I see my friend, Wei Qian at the start of the bridge, and I call her to come over quickly. I had this bad feeling about the hippos, see. 

Suddenly this Greyish, alien-looking creature with large black, almond shaped eyes appeared right next to me, and somehow someone tossed me a sword. Well, It looked more like the kind of tool you’d use to smoothen out the icing of a cake (I forgot what it’s called) Anyway, I grabbed the ‘sword’ and Jabbed it into the creature, and it didn’t move. So I took another swing at it’s neck, and the sword sliced cleanly through but the head didn’t slide off or anything, it just stayed.

Then I look down and there’s another one of them creatures standing right below me (they were quite short) and I stuck the sword into it and kept slicing it._.

Then I woke up.

and I really wanted to finish the story properly so I imagined I kicked them all into the river and saved everyone.

 

Voices

Everyone’s saying so many different things.

So many expectations, and they feel like weights tying me down. I can’t think clearly with all these voices in my head.

But I am reminded that the one voice that matters is God’s voice.

 

I do worry about where He’s leading me. I need to stop worrying and start trusting. Easier to say (type) than do, really. 

Part of me is going with this because it’ll be too fickle to just back out now, and that’s making it even worse. 

 

So let’s start with a fresh canvas.

What do I want to paint?

I want to paint something with meaning. Not just paint with expensive paint (like…hmmm.. crushed gold and sapphire and diamonds maybe), not just something that’s worth a lot of money. I want to paint something that inspires other people to paint their own great paintings. 

I can’t worry about things like money and if I’m able to feed myself. Again, I need SUPER BIG faith!

Faith huh… faith in the things I can’t see. 

I don’t know why I’m always so troubled all the time. Okay I think I know now. Stop RACHEL. Just stop it. Stop. don’t let all these get to you! focus on the voice that matters most. Everything is all in His will.

Dear God,

You’ll hold me by the hand won’t you? You’ll guide me through the year. I am lost without you. I am nothing without you. I mean nothing without you. I want to follow you! I want to hold your hand as you lead me. I don’t want to let go, ever. Why did I let myself fall again and again, when you held your hand there all the time? Why did I let myself sink into nothing? Why did I refuse your comfort and let pain take over instead? I can be very very dumb sometimes. God, I can’t go through this year on my own. I really can’t. Please hear me out God. Let me have peace in you. Let me trust you with all my heart. Carry me in your arms, because I’m scared.. I don’t want to fall away from you. God, I don’t want to fall away from you. I really don’t!!
I want to be important to you. I don’t want to be left behind because of my own misery. I don’t want to drown in my own tears. I want to be filled with your light instead!
God, stay with me, be at my side always. Let me not wander away.