I think my brain’s the kind of brain that has to be always filled up with something at any point of time. It’s a bad thing sometimes, because if it gets a bit too filled I get this weird tired-dazed feeling, the kind of feeling you get when the weather’s really hot and you’ve not drunk a drop of water at all. I know this isn’t necessarily true for everyone, because when I ask people (and I ask this a lot)
“What are you thinking about?”
They’ll reply, “Nothing.”
I never really used to believe them much, because I never really thought it possible to actually not think about anything if you’re doing nothing. So i just assumed it was something they didn’t want to talk about or tell me. (Perhaps some deep dark secret that would shake the foundations of my beliefs:/)
So what do I think about most of the time?
Well, if i’m on a bus staring out the window with my earphones plugged in, I’m probably just replaying past memories and feelings in my head, and they’d all be jumbled up in this mixture. Sometimes i’d start imagining things like, what would happen if … this happened … instead of that? Or if I’m listening to a song, I’d just zone in on the lyrics and then zone out into a memory that the song reminded me of. If I were walking alone, I’d pass by a place that reminded me of something and I’d replay it in my head again.
And sometimes I think of the future. Well, actually this happens quite a lot. I’ll just imagine how it’d be like, not really asking myself questions…more of like having scenes of myself going through life in the future.
Or if i’m feeling pretty dull on a particular day, I wouldn’t really have a particular distinct thought in mind. I have this feeling flood me instead.
I don’t know if you feel this too… you know when you think of some past memory? and you’ll get this feeling inside of you when that memory fills up your mind? It could be warmth, or loneliness, or delight, or fluttery jitters, something like that. Well, that happens. An essence of a memory just fills me up and stays there until I think of something to think about.
It’s bad when it’s a bad memory that fills me up instead. it’s uncomfortable, sometimes if it gets bad I stop talking or smiling or really being myself. I think that’s why I cry easily. I’m not hormonal!!! I’m not a diva. It’s just when a really bad memory fills me up entirely and stays there. It really doesn’t go away until it gets replaced by something else! and it affects me entirely. Happy memories don’t fill me up that easily. But when they do I feel warm all over. I think it’s easier to be happier in the present than to be happy from the past.
I should really learn to control what I think. For instance, not play sad music (korean drama OSTs) to encourage that sad memory to stay even longer and fill me up even more. And to quickly focus and dig up some happy memory.
It’s like trying to cast a patronus charm! (From harry potter, you know, that spell that wards of dementors from sucking your soul out of you?) I have to think of a happy memory and cast it out to ward of my dementors.