I’m learning to let go of a lot of things this year.
I’m slowly getting the hang of it. Actually, I think it’s more of the accepting part, you know? I don’t think we can really hold on to anything we want to for long enough. Eventually it will go, it’s only the problem of accepting that it’s gone…
I’ve fully come to accept that I am a part of the service team. And once I accepted it, I could enjoy it, appreciate what I do, and get the right perspective and attitude of it that was so so so important.
I’ve also fully come to accept that I’m no longer a part of my old cell, and I now belong to a new one. I really see now how poisonous those thoughts that I had in the beginning were.
“I’ll never be able to share with these people.”
“I absolutely don’t fit in at all. They are just so different.”
“I wish I could just stay in my old cell on and on forever. They were so much better.”
Those were horrible things that came into my mind, it blinded me, stopping me from getting to know people better, creating this thick wall that I hid myself behind because I never ever thought there was a possibility that I could climb over it. I missed my old cell so much and I could never really accept that we weren’t going to be meeting on saturdays anymore. I guess it just felt so unfamiliar… and strange… and scary. Who are all these people? I don’t know anything about them. I never thought I’d be able to speak my mind with people who are so hyper and talkative. I usually shrink around those “kinds” of people. I never really opened up to the possibility that I could actually be a part of them!
It took me a whole month of feeling so lonely and forgotten during saturdays, seeing all my old cell mates move on, and me just sitting alone in a corner to fully accept that if I don’t do anything, that’s all I ever will be doing, sitting in a lonely corner, being alone.
As I get to know some of them more and more, I’m starting to love them too. They are nothing like my old cell, but the difference is just a different kind of different. I don’t know if you get that._. I’ve finally gotten to know them as people, and I’ve finally found my voice in them. And I think that makes all the difference, no matter what kind of people they are.
The hardest thing to let go of, though, I’m still trying to.
I couldn’t really say everything I wanted to say. And a part of me regrets that because it was most probably going to be the last time I could say those things for a very very long time:( But I don’t want to regret anything. I think I said this before. Regrets are like monsters who chase after you, and when you turn back a little too long, they’ll eat your soul and you’d die a horrible death. I want to look back and smile, and not cry. And not hurt inside, and not feel like my heart is tearing into bits. It’s hard because it still hurts. I think it’ll take some more healing before I can smile at it. Because every time I get reminded of how it was, I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost something very very precious. The worst thing is that I don’t know if I’ve lost it forever. I don’t know.
It feels so heavy, something’s tugging at me as I try to pull it away. I get tired and I don’t have the strength to keep pulling it sometimes. That’s how it feels. The more I pull the more it hurts. And also, I’m really really really afraid of letting anyone else get close to my heart now. It’s really a legit fear! I’m not kidding. I’m so weary of sharing anything close now to the other species of human. I just shrink back into my shell.
SO maybe instead of keeping my face on the back of my head, I’ll just look ahead from now on. And let go of my past. NOT FORGETTING IT. It’s a different thing, I realise that now. Letting go of the past doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter to me anymore, or that I’ll completely throw it away. It means not letting it stop me from growing more.
I don’t want to keep hurting us both. Maybe doing this would actually give us more of a chance rather than an end. Maybe. Maybe not. But I guess that’s what the future always has to be… uncertain and all mysterious-ish.
I just don’t want it to be poisonous. I want it to be an apple. You know, healthy, beneficial. I can’t think of a better representation at the moment._.
DAHHHHH Why couldn’t I have said all these things when i could. I really don’t know what happens to my brain during times like that. My brain just freezes every time I’m… well, every time I’m..I just can’t. Instead I just stutter and keep quiet and be the most awkward thing in the world. Like an awkward lump of jelly wobbling in my seat.
Well anyway, what happened happened and I can’t change that. I’m just glad that I dared to do it. I was so scared. I had to sit down alone and think in the dark for a while before I could dare to do anything. I’m glad that I did though. But it still feels like…I have so much more to say:\
I broke down immediately as worship started. Right at the moment when they started playing the music. I completely just let go of everything I was feeling. I really felt how coming to the feet of God and just letting it go felt like. Not holding up anything, not putting on a strong front, just being there with how I really feel. It’s like running back to the Father and letting Him hold you in his arms as you cry, and say, “I was so so scared, And it hurts so much.” It felt like I was coming back home to a safe place. And I did.
It’s funny how I always break down immediately when I’m alone with God. I could be talking with a totally straight face to people, and when I’m alone with Him, everything just crumbles down and I just want to curl up at his feet and under his wings. Even as I type and think about this thought now, I’m sort of.. well… there’s a lot of snot on my face now dribbling everywhere ha. ha. I don’t know why I cry. Relief? Joy? Gratefulness. I think. Maybe all three.
And this was the song that really spoke to me today.
All that I am all that I have
I lay them down before You o Lord
All my regrets all my acclaim
The joy and the pain
I’m making them Yours
Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I’ve been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life
Things in the past things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes and all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You
What can we give that you have not given
What do we have that is not already yours
All we possess are these lives we are living
And that’s what we give to you Lord
Every word spoke to me with so much comfort and meaning. And I was so so thankful that it was this song they played today. All of my pain, regrets, wishes, and dreams, my hopes and my plans, my past and the things yet unseen, it’s time to let them all go.