One moment

In stories, there’s always just one moment where everything changes.

I wonder if it happens in real life too. Like if everyone is just heading towards some point of time in life where something happens and the whole world turns upside down (or right side up).

Examples of stories with moments:

1) Harry Potter finds out that he’s a wizard.

2) Bella meets Edward

okay maybe these aren’t very good examples. So I shall stop here.

Well, you know, in movies or books, perhaps a parent divorce, death of a loved one, a huge mistake, transferring school, meeting the wrong people, getting into a gang, taking drugs, finding a new talent, and the list goes on.

Something just happens when your life will never be the same again.

Will there ever be anyone who won’t have that moment? That something?

I wonder if it’s already happened to me or if something in the future would shake my world even more.

It could be a bad or a good thing. But it’s usually a bad thing. I know I know, I shouldn’t live constantly in fear of the future and to trust that God will always be there no matter what!! But it’s just something to wonder about.

I realise I wonder about a lot of things… don’t I? I wonder if this will do me any good. (See what I did there?)

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On Stories and Writing

I have had so many story ideas that I leave behind, unscripted, open and hanging. I feel so guilty for letting them loose, stuck in time forever. Maybe they continue on, without me, and I’d never really know.

I want to dive into them again, but it’s hard! It’s like trying to renew a broken friendship and it feels like either you’ve moved on or they have.

Here’s an example of a story frozen in time by yours truly:

Alice

“Alice… Everything around you is a lie! Your own dark prison which you have created to run away from your traumas… Quick! Wake up, Alice… Before your world steals you away from reality! Do you really want to die, trapped inside yourself forever?

Alice’s past are a blank. She doesn’t know how she came into existence, or how she arrived- she just did. But, she finds herself stuck in a game, a game she was made to play by the Queen. The only rule is simple; Alice mustn’t die. How would she finish the game? Who is that mysterious voice that talks to her when she sleeps? Can she trust her newly made friends and will she ever get back her memories of this world… or another?

Wow do I sound like some cool promo guy. I had fun imagining how writing this story would be like, I haven’t really given it much thought but there’s a lot to explore here!

There are a few more but I didn’t really write up a proper introduction for them. They’re just scattered notes of random ideas that wouldn’t make sense to anyone but me.

I really want to write a full story one day. A complete one. But I don’t know if anyone will ever have the time to read it.

So far, as for biggest longest story I’ve ever written (The Blade of the Wind), only three people in this whole world have read it before, my grandma, Wei Qian and Graeme. But Graeme was the only one who read the most, and I didn’t give him all the chapters I’ve really written because the last bits were really wrong and needed a lot of change.

I congratulate them for having stuck with it so long. 64,000 words full of everything my mind had been brewing for months and months, and I’m sure a lot of it didn’t make any sense.

People don’t generally see me as a writer, really. I wish they would, instead of being always labeled as ‘arty’ and ‘good at drawing’.

I’ve always liked writing since young. I remember I wrote and illustrated my first story about some rabbit having a tea party with his other animal friends. I wonder where that little self-stapled booklet went. I think that was when I was in kindergarten!

And in primary school, I loved writing compositions. I loved it when the teacher would print out my stories for the entire class to read. I remember she read one out loud to the class, and a funny bit of the story came, and the whole class erupted into laughter and I was beaming so much hearing them laugh.

Now I just write about real life most of the time. I don’t know if it’s a good or bad thing! I guess, any kind of writing will help you know yourself a little better, because it’s a bit like a conversation with yourself.

I want to write more. Especially since school is starting. I want to write about the little things too. Like how today, I went into sephora with my grandma and we tried on all sorts of crazy expensive testers (including this little bottle of serum that costs $138 dollars!!!) on the back of my hands. And now, they are as smooth as a baby’s butt.

It’s like taking a picture, but only in words. And when I read back, I won’t forget these memories. I wish I’d captured more of these memories last year. But most of them are pretty much ingrained into my brain since I think about them all the time:/ some things. I don’t know. But happy things:D

What was I writing about again? (I had to scroll up here haha) Right. On completing my story ideas. Well, maybe I’ll have to do some more writing on my own story first before I can start on other ones.

To Cut or Not To Cut … That is the question

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I’ve been itching to cut my hair since…well…since a very long time now.

It’s not like I haven’t. I have been cutting my own hair for months and months and I think I’ve messed it up pretty badly. At least the back part. Now that it’s grown out you can see how weirdly uneven everything is. And there are bits that aren’t supposed to be there and bits that should be in front or behind I don’t know.

I’ve been pretty determined to try keeping it long. I think this is the best I’ve ever done! Bravo Rachel, Bravo! Part of it’s because loads of people around me are just telling me to keep it long. Well, actually this is the only reason why I’m still not cutting my hair off.

Every time I pass by my own reflection and see this long pony tail sticking out from the back of my head I just feel so unnatural! That’s why I always get it into a bun-ish thing. It looks so dead, and lifeless, and limp, and well, boring.

When I was at a chalet in Sec 2, I had to sleep downstairs on this cold wooden bench by myself because some of the girls needed a bed. (and I was the only one who didn’t want to sleep just yet) And I overheard this popular group talking. (I was trying to sleep at 5am but couldn’t so I pretended to and eavesdropped. I’m sorry._.)  This guy was asked,

“Do you prefer girls with short hair or long hair?”

“Long hair lah!”

And I just -.- (with my face facing the back of the wooden bench as I lay down of course. And my face was hidden with my hoodie. So I’m good.)

And recently I went home with a fellow part-timer, and hair was in the conversation, and he mentioned that he liked girls better with long hair too.

Ha ha. Ha.

I admit I admit, this kind of influenced me to try this long hair thing. And also because I’ve always wondered if I could ever look a little more girly with flowing locks. Man, I can’t even imagine myself in flowing locks.

I mean, even all my friends and my grandmother told me I should stick with growing it out instead of cutting it when I asked them! It feels like the whole world just wants longer strands of dead cuticle cells extending out from the Malpighian layer.

Truth is I really find long hair on me so boring! I look horrible with it down so I have no choice but to tie it in a pony tail or a bun all the time. And I don’t have the patience to give it some style with braids or anything everyday (and also because I suck at tying hair into beautiful patterns)

I’m just tired of it! And truthfully I can’t wait to get it chopped off.

And you know, it always feels more like you’re going on a cool adventure if you are a girl and you have short hair.

Why do you think Hayao Miyazaki has all his main girl characters ending up with short hair?

Plus it’ll save me so much time in the long run. I don’t have to spend 3 min tying and re-tying my hair in the morning and giving up when I can’t make it look nice-ish.

I’m just trying to convince myself now aren’t I?

I know, hair, is just hair. But it’s kind of like a personality statement, you know? It kind of defines who you are, a little.

If you have really long, beautifully maintained hair with curls, you can tell this girl loves her hair and wants to look great and has the determination to get up early in the morning to curl each lock one by one.

If you see someone with crazy dyed hair you can tell this girl is expressive and likes to stand out.

If you see a girl with cropped hair so short it’s almost like a guy’s you can tell she’s either practical or is just super cool.

If you see a girl with intricately tied hair, I don’t know, something like what they call a waterfall braid or a reverse… French braid thing she’s got loads and loads of patience (well at least when air comes to hair), like really!

I’m not going to talk about girls with short hair because it seems… Oddly self-praising. Haha.

Guys don’t really understand this I think.. How much it means for a girl to cut her hair short. It’s a big decision. Because you’ve got to live with it for the next few months or a year.

And guys will never really get to cut off three inches of hair or anything like that.

So maybe that’s why hair is just hair for them.

I used to pray as I sat in the hairdresser’s chair. I had really bad experiences with hairdressers, see. My eyesight is so bad, I can’t see how I look like only after everything is done and I put my specs on. I always get a horrible shock. And end up crying. (This was in primary school okay!)

“God God God please please, let me have a good haircut!”

I don’t think God wanted me to look pretty anyways. I’m cool with that.
Not that I’m not! I’m sure I am pretty in God’s eyes!

I meant, pretty by a worldly standard.

But that’s another blog post.

Anyways. So I’ve decided to go get my hair cut tomorrow!!!! So excited. But so scary.

 

Plus I’d get to draw myself with short hair again^_^

And I’d be cutting it because it’s what I’d want and not what everyone thinks is nice. Long. Girly. Neat. Blehh.

Talking to God

I’m really bad at talking to God. 

Because… Well, Sometimes, I don’t exactly talk to him or think that I am.

When I pray, I feel like I’m talking to myself most of the time. When I pray with other people it feels more like i’m talking to them instead of Him. When I write it down, it feels more like a journal rather than a letter.

I think maybe, it’s because I don’t really think of it as a two way thing._.

I don’t see God listening to me on the other end. Well, sometimes I do! And those times were when I really felt at peace.

I want to be completely honest. I don’t want to try looking innocent in front of Him. I’ve been stupid enough to have wanted that when there’s no point in even trying. He knows.

I don’t want to not ever know how to talk to him properly. I want to really, really, be completely transparent about everything. What I’m really feeling. And really be aware that He’s listening too.

He listens. He does. I shouldn’t treat Him like an Inbox. He doesn’t read my letters only when the day ends and I fall asleep. He reads them as the words enter my mind. He’s reading me. Watching me. He knows me. And i’m really really so glad that I’m not alone. Even if it feels like it… But I guess that’s what faith is about isn’t it? Sort of knowing and believing that He is even when at times you don’t really see Him or feel his presence.

But He is there. Everywhere!

Even if I’m sitting on the toilet bowl.

The toilet is where I really talk to him the most, actually._.

It’s kind of like the only place I can really be alone. And no one disturbs you when you’re in the toilet. They leave you to your own… Business. Haha.

Sometimes I just go in there and sit there if I want some alone time. With nothing to disturb me.

When I have my own house, I’m going to make the toilet a really nice, lovely warm room. For sure.

Yup. I should really talk to God and know that he listens.

Lunch Break

I spent more time than I should have looking for this hahaha.
I spent more time than I should have looking for this hahaha.

Well. Almost Lunch Break. I have about half an hour to go, but hey! I deserve a teeny little break.

Maybe I’m starting to feel a little better here.

I have a couple of fish sticks sticking out of my mouth like a farmer chewing hay. And I’m discreetly propping my legs up on a few old cardboard boxes under the table. I really can’t work too long on a computer without putting my legs in some horrible pose. But it’s okay, no one can really tell by just walking past.

I’ve been moved out of my lovely table next to the free entertainment guy, to this lonely corner in the office. This desk has wires strewn everywhere, plugs and everything. No one uses this desk. I don’t really like wires. But it’s okay, At least I’m not in the middle of everyone! Here no one notices me at all and I can just sit and do my own things quietly. Like listen to music. And lip sing it out loud like I’m in a karaoke. With my headphones of course.

I should really stop snacking on fish snacks and Choco mint the whole day. I could start a wrapper collection soon.

With the music in the background, and when I’m alone, I always feel like I’m in some sort of music video. I quite like that feeling.

Which…leads to the urge of me wanting to lip sing it out. I wish I could really sing out loud:( But bobbing my head and swaying left and right should do. Wonder why people don’t do this more often at work when they’re doing some boring excel sheet.

I guess I should head down now. I feel like….hmmm… honestly I have no idea what to eat.

But I have to wash my cup first. It’s been sitting on my table the entire morning with cereal bits stuck in it.

 

Well

I’ll try to get to know people a bit more today during game station time! Make more kids smile. or laugh at my stupid lame jokes and comebacks for their cheekiness. I’ll do my best:D

Afternoon here I come!

 

Rachel’s Report of the Day

It feels a little odd to be a part of the morning rush now. 

And it’s been a while since my days had to do with time on a clock. And dragging myself out of bed. Crowded trains, smashing yourself into someone else’s butt. And papers. And Microsoft excel. And a printer/scanning/photocopier that goes at super speeds and is like some kind of a miracle. I could give it a stack load of papers and it’d chug them all in and I would bob my head to the rhythm it makes. Ch-Chugga-ch-chug. Something like that. Jairia told me it could even staple papers for you! 

I’d spend a morning stacking things and staring at a screen and tapping away at keyboard. Since Jairia’s going off to Thailand tomorrow I’d probably spend lunch alone tomorrow. I think I kinda know what I’ll eat too. 

I’ll probably bring a book down to read, to make the minutes fly by. 

By afternoon it’d be Game station time! My favourite part, although it gets really tiring after a while. Saying the same thing again and again. Repeating the same jokes to make the kids laugh. My favourite part is when they call me, “Cher Cher! Teacher!” And when they think I’m twenty years old. Ha ha. 

And in between there’d be some chatting with the other Game station masters. Quite a funny bunch. But they’re always different everyday somehow. And everyday would be different because of them. But it’s nice getting to know new people. They are just so different! From the people I’m usually around.

I try to remember their names. Aquilah, Ryan, Andy, Lionel… well, that’s about the names I do remember for now._. But it’s OKAY because I’m much better at faces.

Flicking through the surveys, and thousands and thousands of names with Jairia was pretty fun! I now know the most common names so far. Jarred. Benjamin. Ryan. Bryan. Dylan. The girl names were much more unique so I can’t really remember most of them. But these names… Whoa, really really popular. Maybe people give in more thought when naming girls. 

I was so happy to have found someone named Hayden. Two, Actually. I really like that name.

There were two girls named Angel. And one named Jewel. I wonder what it’d be like to have a name like that. 

 I can’t quite put my mind around how many people there are! I’ve still got loads of surveys to do.

There’s this one guy in the office that always makes Jairia crack up. He kind of looks like that Korean star Lee Min Ho, and he sits right next to us, so we get the privilege of having free entertainment. He talks to himself. And his pen. In a fake hong kong accent. “Harro Excuze Me! What is you doing?” He says to his pen when it runs out of ink. Hahahahah. Hilarious stuff.

But when he explains things to Jairia he sounds like a perfect, gentle, sane, office worker. 

 

Oh but today we were told that we couldn’t read our books in the office. And i’m really not quite happy about that:( I’m almost done with a book but I can’t bring it out of the office. It belongs to the office library (Which is basically just a bookshelf). What’s the point of having a library when no one really reads those books?! And they have really good books! I would have expected they’d have some tarty old books that no one would ever want to read, the kind our school library has loads of, but they have some really recent and hip stuff actually! If books can be hip.

 

But there are always times when I just end up staring into space for a while. It could be in the middle of typing, or while waiting for a bunch of students. Or even while slicing a stack of papers, or walking from place to place. And I can only think of one thing. But I just shake it away and carry on when I realise what i’m doing. It’s really quite sad if you think about it. :/

It’ll be worse tomorrow because I’ll be alone. And Ryan’s not going to be in tomorrow, so Game station-wise I’m pretty much alone too. I don’t know how I’m going to survive a week like this. I will, just, how will I ever enjoy it? 

I’m just glad that my Grandma’s coming over tomorrow, so I don’t have to have lonely nights too.

I’m going to appreciate school a lot more now. 

I wonder how things are going on his side. Probably not as lifeless as mine is. Or dull. With probably a lot more people. And I don’t think he’s got time to stare into space. 

*shakes head*

Well, anyway, thank you for tuning into Rachel’s report of the day. Let’s just hope that tomorrow’s report will see clearer skies and lots and lots of wind. Slight chance of drizzle though. Hopefully it doesn’t blow up into a thunder storm.

Man, I sound like a cat woman. Well, actually I don’t mind having a cat.

I have to go back to my Usher Day planning now. 

Or maybe I should disturb Wei Qian and call her for an hour. 

Or maybe I should bathe first.

Or maybe I should do both. (It’s been done before)

Letting Go

I’m learning to let go of a lot of things this year.

I’m slowly getting the hang of it. Actually, I think it’s more of the accepting part, you know? I don’t think we can really hold on to anything we want to for long enough. Eventually it will go, it’s only the problem of accepting that it’s gone…

I’ve fully come to accept that I am a part of the service team. And once I accepted it, I could enjoy it, appreciate what I do, and get the right perspective and attitude of it that was so so so important.

I’ve also fully come to accept that I’m no longer a part of my old cell, and I now belong to a new one. I really see now how poisonous those thoughts that I had in the beginning were.

“I’ll never be able to share with these people.”

“I absolutely don’t fit in at all. They are just so different.”

“I wish I could just stay in my old cell on and on forever. They were so much better.”

Those were horrible things that came into my mind, it blinded me, stopping me from getting to know people better, creating this thick wall that I hid myself behind because I never ever thought there was a possibility that I could climb over it. I missed my old cell so much and I could never really accept that we weren’t going to be meeting on saturdays anymore. I guess it just felt so unfamiliar… and strange… and scary. Who are all these people? I don’t know anything about them. I never thought I’d be able to speak my mind with people who are so hyper and talkative. I usually shrink around those “kinds” of people. I never really opened up to the possibility that I could actually be a part of them!

It took me a whole month of feeling so lonely and forgotten during saturdays, seeing all my old cell mates move on, and me just sitting alone in a corner to fully accept that if I don’t do anything, that’s all I ever will be doing, sitting in a lonely corner, being alone.

As I get to know some of them more and more, I’m starting to love them too. They are nothing like my old cell, but the difference is just a different kind of different. I don’t know if you get that._. I’ve finally gotten to know them as people, and I’ve finally found my voice in them. And I think that makes all the difference, no matter what kind of people they are.

The hardest thing to let go of, though, I’m still trying to.

I couldn’t really say everything I wanted to say. And a part of me regrets that because it was most probably going to be the last time I could say those things for a very very long time:( But I don’t want to regret anything. I think I said this before. Regrets are like monsters who chase after you, and when you turn back a little too long, they’ll eat your soul and you’d die a horrible death. I want to look back and smile, and not cry. And not hurt inside, and not feel like my heart is tearing into bits. It’s hard because it still hurts. I think it’ll take some more healing before I can smile at it. Because every time I get reminded of how it was, I can’t help but feel like I’ve lost something very very precious. The worst thing is that I don’t know if I’ve lost it forever. I don’t know.

It feels so heavy, something’s tugging at me as I try to pull it away. I get tired and I don’t have the strength to keep pulling it sometimes. That’s how it feels. The more I pull the more it hurts. And also, I’m really really really afraid of letting anyone else get close to my heart now. It’s really a legit fear! I’m not kidding. I’m so weary of sharing anything close now to the other species of human. I just shrink back into my shell.

SO maybe instead of keeping my face on the back of my head, I’ll just look ahead from now on. And let go of my past. NOT FORGETTING IT. It’s a different thing, I realise that now. Letting go of the past doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter to me anymore, or that I’ll completely throw it away. It means not letting it stop me from growing more.

I don’t want to keep hurting us both. Maybe doing this would actually give us more of a chance rather than an end. Maybe. Maybe not. But I guess that’s what the future always has to be… uncertain and all mysterious-ish.

I just don’t want it to be poisonous. I want it to be an apple. You know, healthy, beneficial. I can’t think of a better representation at the moment._.

DAHHHHH Why couldn’t I have said all these things when i could. I really don’t know what happens to my brain during times like that. My brain just freezes every time I’m… well, every time I’m..I just can’t. Instead I just stutter and keep quiet and be the most awkward thing in the world. Like an awkward lump of jelly wobbling in my seat.

Well anyway, what happened happened and I can’t change that. I’m just glad that I dared to do it. I was so scared. I had to sit down alone and think in the dark for a while before I could dare to do anything. I’m glad that I did though. But it still feels like…I have so much more to say:\

I broke down immediately as worship started. Right at the moment when they started playing the music. I completely just let go of everything I was feeling. I really felt how coming to the feet of God and just letting it go felt like. Not holding up anything, not putting on a strong front, just being there with how I really feel. It’s like running back to the Father and letting Him hold you in his arms as you cry, and say, “I was so so scared, And it hurts so much.” It felt like I was coming back home to a safe place. And I did.

It’s funny how I always break down immediately when I’m alone with God. I could be talking with a totally straight face to people, and when I’m alone with Him, everything just crumbles down and I just want to curl up at his feet and under his wings. Even as I type and think about this thought now, I’m sort of.. well… there’s a lot of snot on my face now dribbling everywhere ha. ha. I don’t know why I cry. Relief? Joy? Gratefulness. I think. Maybe all three.

And this was the song that really spoke to me today.

All that I am all that I have
I lay them down before You o Lord
All my regrets all my acclaim
The joy and the pain
I’m making them Yours

Lord I offer my life to You
Everything I’ve been through
Use it for Your glory
Lord I offer my days to You
Lifting my praise to You
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer You my life

Things in the past things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes and all of my plans
My heart and my hands are lifted to You

What can we give that you have not given
What do we have that is not already yours
All we possess are these lives we are living
And that’s what we give to you Lord

Every word spoke to me with so much comfort and meaning. And I was so so thankful that it was this song they played today. All of my pain, regrets, wishes, and dreams, my hopes and my plans, my past and the things yet unseen, it’s time to let them all go.

Random Friday

I can’t really decide on just one topic to write about today. So I thought I’d just go on about anything that comes into my mind!

 

Today was a great day! It really exceeded my expectations of being totally and utterly exhausted and bored in work. I guess it really is the people that make it happen. It really doesn’t matter what you’re doing! Like how you could be doing the most wonderful thing alone but it would never beat doing something boring like homework with your favourite people. 

I also found a different side to myself today! It’s been a really long time since I was this sociable and bubbly with people. And I didn’t feel tired at all! I guess it also has something to do with things being better at home. Home really sets the comfort of the heart. 

You know, I wonder how life would feel like without worries at all. Well actually, being a christian, we don’t actually need to worry about anything do we? It’s just that our capabilities of faith is so small that we can’t possibly NOT worry about things at all. It gets tiring too, after a while.

 

I won’t be able to fully appreciate the present if I can’t take my eyes off the future.

Yet I still can’t fully get rid of that fluttery feeling in my heart. Worrying is really quite a cardio exercise.

And that leads to fear… doesn’t it? Fear of things. I am very scared of many many things. I’m scared of screwing up. I think I’m most afraid of hurting people… because of something I did. If I hurt someone, and I could have done something to avoid it, I’d never forgive myself. Which is why when I’m scarred with a really bad memory, It really sticks to me and I wouldn’t dare to do many things because of it. 

For now, I think that’s what’s worrying me the most. 

There’ll always be something for me to start worrying about. I’m a worrier. I really really am. It sucks. 

There’s always a need for me to be reassured about things. Which I’m sure people will start to find annoying after a while. 

I just realised I’m pretty much talking to myself right now.

OH yes! That’s right, today’s valentine’s day! I don’t know why talking to myself reminds me of that but yeah. ha. ha . ha.

Fun fact. People commit suicide more during festive occasions like this. okay maybe not such a fun fact after all.

Actually I think I know why. Valentine’s day can be a really major disappointment for a lot of people. It raises an overload of expectations in just a single day. Plus, imagine if you always feel depressed on normal days when everyone else is normal. Then as one day comes along and the festive mood spikes up to level 1000 all around you, you’d feel a 1000 times more depressed in comparison, see?

And since they’ve got all these valentine things plastered all over radio and TV and magazines and adverts and social media and pictures and it’s pretty much impossible to ignore the whole thing even if you tried your hardest.

PLUS there’s also a spike on social media in the need to portray yourself as a single unwanted human being. It’s a trend isn’t it? To combat the “I wish I had someone” impression, You’d rather say, “I’m single and unwanted let’s all band up and be proud of it.” Okay i’m really talking crap now. 

My parents spent valentines’ day at Long John’s silver and a trip to meet a bank advisor. hmmm.

Well, I’m not saying it’s not important to express appreciation and affection. I think that’s really important too. 

But making it almost compulsory on just one day seems rather, industrialised…doesn’t it? Wouldn’t you rather it wasn’t a mandatory thing? 

WELL ANYWAYS, it is quite nice to see affection all around everywhere, so I’m not complaining.

 

Thank you for tuning into Rachel’s Random Rants. Goodnight everybody. Goodnight to you. 

And now…

A message brought to you by yakult, singapore’s no. 1 cultured milk. 

Okay i’m not doing this. I just keep hearing that on the radio. What’s wrong with me today. (In a good way)

 

Voice of Truth

Angels can whisper into your heart, but so can demons who haunt you too.

Imagine if someone said these things in a hissy, mean voice in the back of your mind:

“You’re not good enough”

“Who’d want somebody like you? You’re a loser, what good can you bring to anyone?”

“You’re just being a burden, why are you so useless? Only giving people trouble and frustration.”

“There’s nothing good about you, even if there is all the horrible things about you make them nothing at all”

“Why did you have to open your stupid mouth and now look what you’ve done.”

“You should see how pathetic you look now”

” all you ever do is give headaches and problems! It’ll be a wonder if anyone wants to still stick by you. I mean, I’d leave you immediately why would I want to suffer because of you?”

“There are so many people out there who will always be funnier, smarter, kinder, cooler, prettier, everything you aren’t. You are nothing, compared to them. Nothing.”

I could go on and on and on but I think it’ll do me no good at all.

The saddest part is I always believe these voices. It’s always easier to believe bad things about yourself. Even now as I write this some voices just slip into my mind every now and then. Can you imagine? These things on and on like a broken record on replay over and over again? It’s driving me crazy. And I’m not the only one that I’m hurting by doing this too. I feel so sorry I wasn’t strong enough to fight these quietly on my own.

You know, I could just cast these demons away if I wanted to. I could. But I don’t, because I somehow believe it’s the truth and anyone would want to hear more of what they think is the truth.

But for every demon that’s tormenting you there’ll always be an angel who’d be trying to tell you the real truth. They fight over you. And it’s you who’ll decide who wins.

I never want satan to win but I don’t know how many times I’ve let him.

“You’re useless, what kind of power does God have to let you lose to me?”

See, even now. But I know this one’s a lie. It’s not God’s choice but my choice. God has every power in the world to make me obey him instead. But he doesn’t. Because you can’t force love. You choose it. You can’t be a person who’s always right. You choose what’s right. It’s my choice. Not God’s. Not anyone’s. I only have my choices. And they make me who I am.

When I wrote that down I know, well, there’s my angel, there’s that voice that drowns out the other immediately.

And this is just the tip
Of the iceberg. There are worse things that I could hear and believe. Things not about me but about God. Those are the worst.

I have to always look out for the voice of truth instead.

This song is a very, very powerful song. For when you doubt who you are in God.

Voice of truth – casting crowns

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I’m in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He’s holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. ‘Boy, you’ll never win! ‘
“You’ll never win”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they’d have had the strength to stand

But the giant’s calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I’ve tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again “boy, you’ll never win!
“You’ll never win”

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says “Do not be afraid!”
And the voice of truth says “This is for My glory”
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don’t seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

Work

I don’t know how people can survive just sitting in a box the entire day staring at a computer screen replying email after email after email.

Today I tried escaping office work to be a games station master instead. I really like it. At least I’m talking to people and not spending alone time with an electronic screen. It sucks life out of me. I really do not like doing admin technical stuff.

Is this how adults become adults? Like when they don’t know what it’s like to have fun anymore. Or when they think it’s not important anymore.

I read on a Pokemon fan page:

We don’t stop playing because we’ve grown up, we grow up because we stop playing.

Wow. That is really quite the eye opener.

I don’t want to grow up to be ‘that’ kind of an adult. I hope I don’t. I hope I never forget to find fun in the day. To treasure it. Even in ushering ministry, I’ve already started to forget why fun is important. I’ve been too technical, too stressed and it’s making me not enjoy what I do at all.