I don’t want to remember this!

Actually, I wrote something before this, and I titled it “I want to remember this”.

After a whole night of remembering it, I think… that it’s not really doing me any good. I was sinking into myself, killing myself, but somehow I felt like I needed to do it. It really tore me up. And I just kept wallowing in it.

“God, help me, help me,” I cried, but I wasn’t even helping myself. I didn’t even try.

I was in the shower and I was thinking and thinking. Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I do it again and again? Why do I want to let pain engulf me, burn me? This pain made everything related to it unbearable. I couldn’t look at certain things and not feel it coming back again. I couldn’t think straight, I couldn’t be myself, the thought of the past just kills me all over again, and I just let it take over me! What’s the point of attaching pain to all the things that are wonderful to me? What’s the point of attaching it to me?

I couldn’t avoid pain, but why do I keep holding on to it?

Do you know why God put our faces in front and not behind? Monica the angel said it was because it was so for us to look at where we’re going, and not where we’ve been.

I think I put my face on the behind of my head a lot.

I feel trapped and a prisoner of myself. And all this pain is a chain, a lock, a cage. I cry when I think about how I’m in it and I don’t even want to get out myself. And I don’t know why! Why why why why do I want to be in this cage? It’s all in my head and I could just forget it, blink a little and it’d be gone like magic. Why don’t I want to be free of it?

And pain grows deeper and deeper the longer I hold it. It’s roots will start sinking so deep that It would take a very long time to pull it back out. Why do I want to keep it there?

The post that I titled before, ‘I want to remember this” was about the pain I felt. It really did hurt.

I don’t want to remember this anymore. I’m tired of letting it keep me down, not letting me move on. I’m tired of it making what’s ahead of me look so dark and horrible. I don’t want to see those large storm clouds ahead anymore. It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it? I said I saw really dark and horrible storm clouds, but actually, I can say whatever I want to say about what I saw.

I don’t want to always be spilling over my pain to others when I could just let it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to be a joyful person. Now I know what the fruit of the spirit meant, ‘Joy’. I never really understood it. To take Joy in everything. Even suffering.

If I fail, I’ll forget it again and try again.

Rachel, don’t let that stupid evil thing that lives downstairs drag you down with it. (By it I mean the Devil hahahahaha)

Funny thing is, the more I write, the more I can feel the pain being washed away.

And I’ll be free again.


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