The parable of the mushroom keychains

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While I was in japan, I came across this gachapon machine that was selling life-like mushroom keychains that were squishy.

I really like real-life small stuff, so I went to try it out with 200¥, and I was really hoping for one of the cool colourful ones. The red cap one. Or the shiitake one.

I clapped my hands twice for good luck (I don’t know it just feels nice) and then slowly turned the knob. The plastic ball came rolling down and I picked it up gingerly with my hands.

I popped it open, and was a little disappointed.

Well, actually I was very disappointed. I got this boring, small, plain white button mushroom. It was the most boring looking one out of the whole collection, and you couldn’t even tell it was a mushroom from the top view.

I tried to comfort myself. “Yeah it’s pretty cute actually.”

And “hey, at least it’s the only mushroom I’ve eaten tons of times before. It fits.”

I know it’s a little dumb to be so worked up over a small mushroom keychain, but I honestly felt like I lost.

But I hanged it in my bag anyway.

And then I had an idea. I convinced myself to have another go on the machine and I’d give the other one to Wei Qian.

And so I turned the knob again, and out came this really cool looking mushroom with a black cap and white dots. Plus it looked so real and cool and it was rubbery unlike my foam button mushroom.

I admit I wanted to keep that one for myself, but, I felt bad for the button mushroom that has been faithfully accompanying me all this while, and it kinda grew on me a little, so I decided to give it a chance. I told Wei Qian she could choose which one she wanted and she’d get it.

Inside, I really wished she would somehow prefer the button mushroom instead. But nope. Obviously she chose the cooler looking one.

And so I grudgingly gave her the other mushroom. I know it’s very mean of me but I couldn’t help but feel that way.

But… As the days went by, I realised how much more the button mushroom was meant for me. Even though it wasn’t made of the cool rubber the other one was, it was made of a light foam material and didn’t weigh anything. Which was really good for my active and reckless lifestyle in which I treated all my bags. I didn’t have to worry about it snapping off, or being damaged, especially since I rode my bike with my bag slung around my shoulders all the time.

And it was also short. Like me. And the other mushroom was tall. Like Wei Qian. Haha. Ha.

Plus, I really liked squishing it. I just unconsciously squish it from time to time.

Oh yes the other mushroom was really beautiful and amazing, but it was also delicate and had to be treated with care (which I was definitely not cut out for dealing with).

And so slowly… I grew to appreciate it more and see it’s beauty and practically. And how perfect it was for me.

SO ANYWAY. Point of this whole story is….

It’s kind of like life.

Sometimes, God won’t give you that really pretty cool looking mushroom you’ve always wanted. Sometimes he’d give you the only thing you didn’t want, or the last thing you ever expected.

But there’s always a reason for it even if you can’t see it just yet.

That lousy mushroom, in your worldly eyes, may just be the perfect mushroom for you in God’s eyes.

And just because someone else has that awesome looking mushroom doesn’t mean that you need it too. You’re not that person. You’re different. And God will cater to your special needs in a way that you might not understand yourself. Because he knows you way more than you ever will!

The end.

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Dream Log #9

Nope I did not make a mistake I skipped #8 because I thought it was really too personal and only told Jairia IN FACT she helped me interpret it. And the meaning behind it was actually really really cool because somehow subconsciously my brain was making deep metaphors of my life! But too personal so… Yup.

Actually I can’t remember much about this dream. I was suddenly reminded of it. A fleeting snapshot.

Here’s what I remember:

I was trying to prove to Spider-Man that I could fly. I had this camera thing that could take videos and it felt so cool.

The setting was some sort of floating wooden island. I think.

And I remember I was staying with someone. Spider-Man. Maybe. But I keep feeling that there’s this old man somewhere… And there was one part with a lot of action….ARGHHH it was a really cool dream and I totally forgot about everything.

The feeling this dream gives me feels so cool!! But I can’t remember what it was about!! I thought I might recall something if I tried to write it but oh well.

Oh but now I get a flashback from another dream I had. I think I dreamt it a few times before. I’m in this island resort and a lot of people are wading and swimming in the sparkling blue ocean. And I run around and explore the island. But then I dive into the ocean from a really talk cliff but it didn’t feel tall at all and I think something bad happened I can’t remember.

I should really write these things down more often.

Getting inspired

It’s a little hard to get inspired sometimes.

For art. Or writing.

It’s not that there’s nothing inspiring around us at all, it’s just that our brains aren’t sensitive enough to them.

Maybe they are really calling out to you in soft whispers… “Here I’m here look at me!” (Well actually that sounds a little creepy)

Next week as Jairia heads for Korea I won’t have anyone to talk to at night, which means I’ll kind of be just alone in my room with myself. I hope I’ll be able to at least come up with some art or writing during this period. It’s like a self retreat just for me and my brain to work! (I do spend a lot of my nights on my phone)

So I shall throw my phone into the pits of the darkness under my pillow and make sure my brain is totally free from anything of my usual daily life and reality. That sounds chim but really it’s just me not getting distracted from reality.

It’s funny how most of the time we are told to not be distracted by day dreams.

And now I get to tell myself to do the opposite.

The sad part.

How exactly do you fill up a big, gaping, missing hole for someone who’s not there anymore?

I notice it everyday. And it’s always there. I can feel it. Sometimes it gets a little numb and I don’t feel it anymore when I’m distracted. But when I’m alone with myself, It comes back again.

I don’t even know what this hole is anymore. Is some of it a part of me too?

But it’s not the kind of hole that a feeling of having no purpose in life creates. It’s another kind, it feels different. It’s more like an ache rather than a dark emptiness.

And only God can fill up that emptiness. But that’s another post I might write about someday if I ever feel it (which I hope I never!).

But this ache in my heart doesn’t feel like that. It’s less of a life or death thing:O

I think I just miss him.

I don’t want to sound like a corny twitter page.

But I really do. The sad part is that I don’t even think I can tell him that.

I know this isn’t a huge problem. And it’s really hard to share this kind of thing with a friend and not expect this face (._.) in return!

Say, “sigh, last night was quite a bad night. I even cried a little like a hormonal emotional pregnant woman.”

“What happened?!”

“I just felt this overwhelming feeling of missing someone.”

(._.)

You see?? See what I mean???

That’s another sad part:(

But I’m not Emo or anything. I don’t drag myself through the days like a hollow dementor, with a face as black as a century egg and cry all the time. I can still laugh, and joke around, and have fun, and be happy, and skip and sing and cycle and feel great! But it’s just sometimes, that ache comes back. Right here

*points to heart*

*and the back of my eyes in extreme cases*

The Thanks list #1

Today I’m thankful for…

Flying above night skies, safe landings and that nostalgic feeling of home.

Of being able to appreciate home more, and seeing how beautiful Singapore is. Of learning how easy it is to be immune to pretty things you see everyday.

I’m thankful for scooters, and warm afternoon winds that flood my ears. Of Mcdonalds and whizzing through crowded markets.

For clear blue skies and fluffy white clouds. And greener trees that seem to glow. And the warmth of the sun. And old baggy shirts and shorts.

And open roads where no one can hear me scream out my favourite songs as I cycle. And downhill paths that I can zoom down on.

For indie folk music that makes everything seem like a life adventure.

For a friend to spend the afternoons slacking with. Random chit chat over weird DIY sweet kits.

For being able to spend three hours decorating and making fake donuts.

And laughter. And the carefree-ness. The lightness I feel in my every being.

Of no worries. And pain. Of comfort.

And for being reminded of happy memories from the past every corner.

And the golden sun again in the evening magic hour.

Today was a great day! ^ – ^

And I’m thankful for it!

Family heirlooms

Is it weird that sometimes when I buy things I keep in mind that I could one day pass these down to my children._.

Like the last time I got some kinokuniya book store vouchers from a writing competition, I got a really cool looking Peter Pan book for almost 40 dollars._.

It wasn’t that I haven’t heard of that story before or that I desperately wanted to read it, I just thought it was really really cool. It has a thick, light green, leather cover with silver letters spelling out Peter Pan, and a really nice dark blue illustration on the front. And also a silver bookmark. It looked like a real classic. And I immediately fell in love with it (in a more materialistic sense haha). It would be such a nice book to be in a bedtime story bookshelf with all the other fairy tales that I could read to my children one day.

I think I bought it when I was in sec three. And honestly, the main reason why I bought it was because I thought it’d be such a cool family heirloom thing to pass down! You know? Maybe one day these classic fairy tale books bound in leather will be so rare and precious, and how magical would it be for a little kid to have one of these?! It gives me a nice warm feeling when I think about a kid reading this book under the covers. With a torchlight. But… It’s kind of hard to read, the English being super high standard and all.

And so I bought it. Well actually it was free because of the vouchers.

And also I recently got loads of studio Ghibli merchandise (YEAAAAAAHHHHH!) and I kept having this thought of how perhaps my future children will have these little figurines too. Of Totoro, and the Catbus, and Jiji, and make up stories for them too. And of course the Laputa stone!! The light that it emits gives a really magical, surreal feel to it, and I can almost imagine it starting to float up towards the sky.

“You know what this is?” I’d say, “this is a very very special stone that will help you create lots and lots of worlds. And one day, you’ll get so good at it that you won’t need it anymore!”

And then I’d tell the story of laputa and how it was formed.

Ahh really. That’s what I love about children is that it’s so easy for them to create things and believe them. Their make belief play is really the best. Like how you could turn a bed, two pillows and five bolsters into a spaceship and sit in it and imagine yourself flying. (I’m a master at making vehicles with bed stuff)

But if you wanted it to have another two seats at the back, you’d need a lot more pillows. A lot more. Plus if you want a dashboard with all the controls you’d need those hard flat ones.

There aren’t any wing parts so you’d have to make do with pretending they are there. And of course you’d have to turn on the air-con if not it won’t have the same feel.

Where was I… Oh yes family heirlooms. Yeah.. I wish I had cool family heirlooms. Like an antique music box.

OH! My grandparents have this huge cupboard full of things they have collected over the years. I used to play with them and ask them where they got everything from. But they were all so delicate and fragile so I couldn’t do much but touch them and stare at them. I liked the song of this particular music wind up thing though. But it didn’t look antique-ish at all.

And if I don’t end up having any children… Well, I guess I’ll volunteer at a kindergarten. Or give them away. Maybe not give them away. But I’d definitely get a big, big, dog.

I wonder if in heaven, will God create all sorts of worlds for us to explore. Beautiful worlds. Really magical ones with flying stuff everywhere. And rainbow coloured trees. You know? To let us enjoy His creations.

Dream log #7

This is probably one of the most bizarre dreams that will forever and ever give me the creeps on what the deepest parts of my brain hold._.

I dreamt that my grandfather was actually Robert Downey Jr. Who was living a double life. I was his grandchild._. And while filming he’d be touched up a lot which is why he looks a little different. (Not that my grandfather looks anything like RDJ but in my dream it was so real!)

I can’t really remember what happened. It was more of an idea-thought with images and random scenes. I woke up in my hotel room still believing it and I was so flattered to have the genes of a movie star HAHAHAHA.

But when my grandfather talked he still sounded and acted like himself. Just that the idea that he was actually Ironman kinda stuck in my head during the dream.

I don’t know. I really have no idea.

Japan!

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I don’t know if I would consider myself a nervous flyer. I think I was pretty nervous on the plane.

But it was the excited kind of nervous that still leaves you scared and worried.

The exact same thing I’d feel just before a roller coaster cart starts to move.

I know there’s nothing to be afraid of but still i’m scared…but it’s going to be so fun and thrilling!!! That kind of feeling.

Taking off was really really cool! It’s kind of a miracle, really, how a plane can fly. It’s like a T-Rex. A huge ginormous body with teeny tiny little arms (in this case wings). How could anything so big fly with just two little wings sticking out.

It went off so fast.

It was a night plane so I was a little disappointed that I couldn’t see anything. I’d thought I’d be able to see the stars at first!! And I was excited for that but I was very wrong and I couldn’t see anything.

Going back down, the plane went through this thick layer of clouds, and it felt so magical! Pillars of clouds just right next to you on the same level. They looked like giant floating cotton candy lumps. Wispy. Fluffy and thick. It was exactly how I had imagined it when I wrote my story. It looks so soft. Like you could dive into them and bounce. But you’d probably plunge to your death instead.

And there were tiny ice crystals stuck to the window.

I wasn’t that scared on my second flight. I’m cool now.

And japan has really given me lots of ideas and inspirations for my story which I’ve been feeling quite dry for. I find myself going back to that world while walking on the streets. Which hasn’t happened in a long long time.

I wonder how different life would be if I were actually from japan. And if all the people I knew were in japan too. Kind of like how my life would be… Japan version.

All the girls here have really nice hair though. I feel very very plain next to all of them._.

These are just some random thoughts throughout the few days here so far. I wonder what I’ll think of next.

On Hugs and …. Stuff

So I’m on the train now to the airport and I feel like writing hehehe.

Today was my last day at work and we were all saying our goodbyes, and then one of them held out his arms to hug me.

I kind of just froze. Because he was very tall. And very big. And it looked like it would be a real genuine hug and not that awkward side hug thingy.

HONESTLY I was very uncomfortable. (I mean boundary thingies) It’s not like I hate this guy or anything! He’s really nice and friendly! But I feel weird just hugging a guy I hardly know. Like the full hug. You know. The whole body touching thing (gaaaah) I know it’s a little dumb to some people. I’m sure loads of girls hug guys goodbye all the time and it’s kind of a normal thing. But Jairia also agreed with me!

She said that it’s like you’re saving that kind of hug for more special occasions.

Ha. Ha. Ha. Well actually she’s kind of right. It’s like saying the word Love so much it would loose it’s meaning. All my life I’ve never hugged a guy (like the proper kind, not the side thing HAHAHAHAHA) so it’s kind of weird if the first hug I get is from someone I knew for two weeks. You know? These things have meaning. As cheesy as it sounds but it’s true. To me.

Ahhhh this is so embarrassing to write about. But Jairia said she felt the same thing too. So I feel less embarrassed now.

See, all these were running through my mind at that exact point because I didn’t want to hug this guy with my arms and how is it possible to accept a hug comfortably without hugging the other person back and I don’t want to like…. You know… It’s like being squashed against each other it’s so aldkkajhakahajs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Not that I don’t like hugging. Or being hugged. I think it’s the nicest feeling. And I always wonder what it really feels like.

Point is. It’s something special. A hug. Like saying the word ‘Love’. It would be a special thing if the first guy you’ve hugged in your entire life would be a guy who is really special to you… Right…?

Actually this whole awkward freezing thing happened before on the last day of band with this huge tuba guy too. Why do all huge guys like to hug=___=

Yup. It’s special. And I want to keep it that way!

Before I fly away

I just cleared up a lot of photos from my phone to make space for the millions of photos I’ll be taking in japan.

You know sometimes I just scroll through pictures and I’d get sucked into the past. I did that for half an hour last night, and looking through, I could somehow feel the atmosphere in that picture, how I was feeling, that memory come alive again. Really! I’m not just describing this in that cliched movie thing, I really feel like I’ve been sucked into that moment for just a few seconds before I flick to the next picture!

And some pictures I just stop and stare at them for a long long time. I wish I could step back into that exact moment, but I can only stare like a creep._.

I’m planning to cut down on the amount of pictures I take there in japan though. To not feel like every moment is worth taking. Nope, every moment should be fully experienced with my eyes and not though a phone screen.

Then I’ll take a few pictures so I’ll remember these things. Yep. That’s what I’ll do.

I’ll try to write some during my trip, but I don’t know if I’ll have the time or energy or BATTERY POWER HAHHA. But I do want to write!

And I have a lot of Kit Kats to buy.

Today was my second last day at work. I think I’ll really miss hanging out with a lot of people there. I just hope my new class will be like them. I always worry about whether I can make good friends in my new school, but well, if I can make friends in work, I’m sure I can! ( at least this is what I tell myself in comfort)

I think all our friends were intentionally placed into our lives by God. Either to change them or to be changed. Or to learn or teach. Like how … How did that saying go again?? Like how a plank of wood rubs against another to form something sharp… I think. Something like that.

Which is kinda cool. We don’t meet people on accident. We aren’t lucky to have them. We were blessed with the people around us and it’s fate!

I think I went a little off track with what I had intended to write. (Like I always do)

I should sleep early for a long day tomorrow.

I can’t wait to take off on a plane!! And soar into the clouds and over the darkness. Actually I don’t think I’ll be able to see a thing:( cons of a midnight flight. But at least I get to see sunrise over a horizon!!

Man, I really like that feeling when the plan jerks up from a heart pumping acceleration down the runway, and when it tilts up and up and suddenly you see the world sink below you getting smaller and smaller.

How can anything like that stay up in the air so long it’s like magic.