Slowing down


There’s a rhythm in rush these days.
Where the lights don’t move and the colours don’t fade.
Leaves you empty, with nothing but dreams.
In a world gone shallow, in a world gone lean.

Jose Gonzales- Stay alive ( this post reminded me of this song)

Bro John shared about spiritual disciplines with us during cell last week, and besides quiet time, prayer and worship, there was also something called ‘slowing down’.

Basically, it’s trying to slow down to appreciate God more.

Which is really interesting to me.

Like how we’re all always rushing for something everyday, with our day packed full of loads of activities. We don’t really make time for just resting in God. It’s how we can appreciate the wonders of nature only by slowing down. It’s how we can see things and appreciate things we normally wouldn’t give a second thought or glance too just by slowing down.

Now as life gets a little (okay a lot) busier I think I might forget this.

You know, I should try to take a breather every once in a while to just clear my mind of the day’s hectic schedule and instead fill my mind with appreciation and gratefulness and to observe more and reflect back on all God has done. (that was a pretty long run on sentence)

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Stop right there.

You know, I should really just stop thinking and writing all these negative things. It’s like complaining.

I wrote a few posts before this but then I realised they were all just really REALLY indirect complaints. So I just ditched them into the virtual post bin.

Come on Rachel you can do better.

Just stop overthinking and start living.

Yup.

Tears.

There are lots of different kinds of tears.

Some of them hurt and some of them don’t.

Tears from feeling loved. Tears from feeling grateful.

Tears from feeling empty. Tears from feeling angry. Tears from feeling unjust. Tears of guilt. Tears of regret. Tears of lost. Tears from rejection. Tears from loneliness. Tears from being misunderstood.

These are what I’ve had before…hmmmm. Quite a long list. I’ve never felt tears of joy before though.

Why do we even cry? Biologically speaking does it even do any good at all? I don’t get relieved in fact it makes it feel much worse. My eyes get puffy and swollen and I get a really blocked nose, and it sucks.

When you get cut, you bleed. When your heart gets cut you cry. Blood from your soul. Maybe. It sounds kinda morbid. It also sounds like the title of some death metal song.

I kinda wish it wasn’t so easy for me to cry. I cry very easily. Shhhhh…. Most people don’t really know that. And they normally wouldn’t guess it too. I don’t want to cry really. (For the bad kind of tears) I just feel sadder and sadder the more I do. But I can’t help just suddenly exploding and breaking into a volcano of hot lava. It’s overwhelming.

Some say crying is good. It’s like a way of releasing all that emotion. But if that emotion gets larger in the process… I think I’d rather just let it slowly fade after a while then dwell in it longer. BUT I don’t do that. I never do that.

Different people hold their emotions differently. Some don’t let their emotions affect them much, while others just let their emotions fill them entirely. I think I’m like that. I’m Emo. Haha.

At least after crying I can sleep better. It’s exhausting work spilling your tear ducts out. I’m trying to not dwell in it. Trying._.

I guess I just feel misunderstood. It’s not fair like that.

It sucks being emotional… Sometimes I wish I was one of those stone cold people. Who hardly get worked up about anything. sometimes. I don’t even know if that’s how they really are or if it’s because of something they’ve been through that made them like that. I wonder what could have caused them to go to that extent. Sometimes there are people you just can’t imagine crying.

It’s a funny place to feel that kind of pain. Not in the brain where all your painful thoughts linger, but in the heart. A mechanical heart. That only pumps blood.

I just wrote this so that I’d stop thinking so much about why I’m crying but rather the crying itself. I like how writing about things has helped me in a lot of ways. To make sense out of the jumbled thoughts in my brain. That’s what words do.

Actually, most of the time it’s because my brain blows things out of proportion!!! When I’ve calmed down then do I see how stupid and overworked I’ve been. I don’t really like this part of myself. It leads to a lot of unnecessary trauma. Stupid brain.

I know my brain just called itself stupid. That’s what makes it stupid. And I did it again.

I feel a lot better now though. It was a nice time talking to myself.

I would have typed in ‘sad dog’ in google images to find something to put in here but I can feel myself shutting down since it’s 1:07am and sad dogs are sad. And I think I already have loads of posts with sad dogs on them._.

The Thankful List #2

It’s about time number 2 came out!

This week I’m thankful for …

Flower balloons, smiling aunties, Hi-fiving kids and raising lots of money.

For productive days great ideas and completing all my graphic design tasks! YEAHHH WOOOO Mission accomplished (in a French accent, like meessheeeooon ayecompleeshay) *Wipes sweat off forehead and fingers…and keyboard*

For slowly being able to not overthink too much. And learning how to look back with a smile.

For scary experiences and anxiety (Because they made me appreciate having friends more)

For meeting people who I really wanted to be in the same class with, but ended up otherwise.

For finally realizing why that happened too.

For courage to say “Hello” and “What’s your name?” and strangers who walk alone without any groups.

For a familiar face! Actually many familiar faces. but one familiar face was the most important.

For differences in taste of music. Totally complete differences. and long MRT rides.

For busy days because by the end of the day I’m so exhausted I just slump into bed and I can’t remember what happens next. (Even dreams0.o) I don’t know why that feels good though.

For learning new things! About myself and others. And art therapy methods.

For an unexpected new friend to talk to on a long bus ride and loads of similarities! and being able to think of random conversation topics.

For this whole new journey that I’m slowly setting sail on. I’m like preparing the mast and the sail and some rope now. Sliding down into the waves from the sandy shore.

For a new wallet to carry things that mean a lot to me with me wherever. (when was the last time I even had a proper wallet?!)

and lastly for being able to do this:

HAHAH. Hah. Haaaaaaah.

(It’s me from the future laughing at my past awkward self)

 

 

I should really do these more often:D

The Island

There’s an island off the coast of my head far away.
It sits, just waiting for a sailing wave

But surrounded by a fog, the wave gets really lost.
And a cold wind blows it another way.

And now a furry little friend sees the island.
She knows it’s the right way to go.

But she meets another two-eared creature,
And he tells her it’s the wrong way, it’s what he knows.

So she sits down and looks at it from the place so far away.
She sits down and tries to remember.

Remember a time when the days were filled with sun,
A time when the view was much clearer.

Now he pulls her up from the ground with his two ears twitching.
He tells her the island’s full of mud and rain.

He whispers in her ear, what he sees, what he fears.
He whispers of the insanity and the pain.

But she gets a sail flag and a boat, an umbrella and a coat
And she sets off to the island…anyway.

 

The End!

It’s been a long time since I tried to write a poem. Well, at least this time I put in more effort into the rhyming and rhythm of the whole thing instead of just stringing a bunch of random sentences that come to mind. It could mean a lot of things. I guess the meaning of it changes with your own experiences and things…which I like. If I read this again some other time in the future I’d probably relate to it in a different way. Some songs do that too. (Those rare treasures in the indie folk corner of YouTube for example)

I wish I could somehow turn it into a song. But I don’t really have the skills:(

First impressions.

You know, I’m a person that forms conclusions pretty quickly. Just from observing the way people act or talk.

I know I know, it’s just a nicer way of saying judgemental. But I didn’t mean judgemental as in condemning people by speculations and first impressions. I mean just little remarks and facts about someone.

It’s like how you’d think someone’s totally shy and introverted the first time you meet them because they didn’t talk much, but when really they’re pretty talkative inside.

Something like that. I’d jump to conclusions pretty easily.

Today we had a small activity held with total strangers, and there was a Malay guy called Rizwan in my group. He didn’t smile much, and looked kinda like some tough guy who played rugby. We were supposed to act out a small skit, but he didn’t really participate very actively. And looked pretty uninterested. And I thought… Man, what if my future group mates would be like that? Not participative and cold and scary? Brrrr.

On the way home, I was just messing with my phone while waiting for the train when I looked up and saw Rizwan standing in front of me. Well, I wanted to be polite and you know, I did say I was gonna step out of my comfort zone a little. So I tapped him and said hello.

We ended up talking all the way back, and he was totally not the person I thought he was. He was actually really friendly and he was just really laid back. In fact, he kinda reminds me of someone I know and that was interesting to me. Like really, he was spot on exactly like this person I know. And I thought he’d make a really cool classmate but turns out he’s not in my class so I was kinda sad:/

Well, at least now I’ve learnt not to make assumptions too quickly. To
Give everyone a chance and this way… I won’t miss out on meeting someone who could have been a friend just because of first impressions.

OH HEY but I wasn’t all completely wrong on my first impressions. He did play rugby in secondary school.

IT STARTS TOMORROW.

Image

 

It feels a little surreal. I’m starting school tomorrow. I’m actually starting school! School seems like some foreign idea now. (Okay so maybe I’m just exaggerating a little but really it does feel a tad bit strange) Who uses ‘tad’ anyway. Only British people do.

I’m surprisingly calm though. I don’t really feel anything much. Maybe tomorrow it’ll hit me in a single blow and my stomach will knot itself into a loop de loop.

I think I did fairly okay conversing in the whatsapp group I just got added into. I even made a new friend! (Well, acquaintance) She made a joke that she said wasn’t funny but I said it was and I actually smiled. Well at least I hope it’s a she. That’s the thing about Chinese names. Sometimes it gets really confusing. But her messages were really cute with all these ^^ and :0 and she just sounds like a girl so it should.

ahhhhhhhhh. Okay I shall now go talk to jairia about tomorrow because that’s what friends do for first-day-of-school-type-things.

My goal for tomorrow?? Well, I guess I just want to have fun and make friends. Nothing special really. Jairia said I should be myself. Well, I’ll just do what feels natural and not go overly crazy and hyped up but not emo shy and reserved. Both of which I can be but just don’t feel as right.

 

It’s tomorrow. Gosh. The moment I’ve been waiting for for quite some time now. That new chapter thing starts tomorrow.

AHHHHHH HOW AM I EVER GOING TO SLEEP._.

 

Head and the Heart

Do you think it’s possible for you to have two different beliefs?

Like if your head didn’t agree with your heart.

It sounds cliché, but today on the bus I actually realized what that feels like.

It’s actually quite horrible. Honestly, I don’t even know what to follow. Which one does God speak to anyway? The head or the heart?  Or both?

Your head tells you something, practical, safe. Yeah, that’s right! It’s the best thing to do. That way you won’t get hurt. That way you have lesser to lose. That way…you can protect yourself. It’s the best way to go because it’s the safest.

And your heart lets you feel something more. This other way feels right. You just know it. Somehow…You know.  Your heart knows your head’s lying sometimes just to get you to choose the safest route.

Your heart lets you feel a truth deep down inside.

But sometimes the heart can’t be relied on too. Emotions overpower what’s right and wrong. What should be done and what’s for the best. An emotion that stops all sense of time, of the future and of consequence. And when the emotion subsides. That’s when the head kicks you in the butt. (Actually a really weird image came into my mind of a head flying backwards towards the person’s butt and the person does a full backwards somersault okay nevermind.)

So now what? you know your heart is saying the truth, but you know your head knows what’s best even if it gives you a lie to help you choose that route.

My head is just so sick of expectations and it’d rather go to extreme ends than give my heart a chance. And by extreme ends I mean telling lies I know are wrong. But slowly, I’m starting to believe these lies. Day by day. It sinks in deeper. That’s what makes me cry. That I’d lie to myself just to try to make it easier to let go.

Lies never ever work. But for now, I don’t know how else to go around doing it to avoid any slow torture, a grill on a burning furnace.

or maybe I am meant to suffer for a while.

And maybe accepting it is the only thing I can do.

Life isn’t about chasing after happiness. So I guess this is the downhill I need.

 

 

 

I hope I don’t sound too emo. I’m not really. I wonder if I’ll look back and read this and think, “My goodness how emo can I possibly get” Which I probably would but it doesn’t matter because it’s just me.

Or am I lying to myself also by saying I’m getting better. I’m totally fine. I’m okay. I’m brilliant. I want to believe that though. But I think I know what my heart’s saying.

Making a difference!

It was a lot harder for me to see my role as an usher head in church at first.

You know… because it kind felt like I wasn’t really doing anything much, even though I was sort of ‘promoted’. When I say promoted I meant given a bigger set of responsibilities, ‘promotions’ in church shouldn’t really have too big of an emphasis on titles really.

It was because I wasn’t doing any more than what I’ve been doing as an usher all this while. I didn’t try to step up to lead, organize things properly, motivate people or pray for them, all I did was watch by the sidelines and just do my own quiet things in the background. Because that’s what I keep telling myself. That serving in the background was better.

Even the people who are ‘supposedly’ under me knew my Job better than me. Me being a completely forgetful and unorganized clutter head. I constantly forgot stuff and they had to remind me.

I’ve been trying to step forward in my role these few months. Trying to look out for others. Trying to get their energy up. Trying to be more approachable and friendly. Initiating conversations. Trying to remember to not be demanding all the time and also to thank people for their efforts too. All these things I’ve slowly picked up from Sis Livia, who has shown me what it means to be a leader in the service ministry. I really admire her for how she has made the effort to show care for me amidst the busy service ministry that’s really quite technical in a lot of things and operations.

Tonight I got a little encouragement from an usher whom I’ve always admired for his enthusiasm. He’s always bubbly and cheerful and so eager to serve and he’s not afraid to do weird stuff too! ahaha. Which I always make them do.

“Thanks for the enthusiasm!!” I sent

“I got the enthusiasm from you:))” was his reply.

wow. I was completely shocked that I could have impacted someone even if it was a small thing.

This was exactly, the best BEST BEST thing I could wish for any Usher. To gain the enthusiasm to serve. I think I kinda want to make it a mission for Usher leaders.

That by the time they leave the usher team, they’d have a passion for serving.

Which also reminded me, that I should thank my own leaders for having impacted me every once in a while too, to encourage them in the way that this usher had for me.

And I really look forward to making a difference. Even if it’s just small differences over long periods of time. Hard as it is being a constant process, well, I pray that God will always remind me on this goal! and that He’ll point out opportunities for me to do so.

I think making a difference is something that everyone wants anyway. It’s just different people want to make different differences. Haha that sentence is rather interesting.

No one would ever want to leave this world without a single impact on it. I’m sure. Absolutely positive. As positive as the positive side of a AA Battery. Or an AAA Battery. It doesn’t really matter.

 

Dust Sprites

Dust sprites are extremely shy creatures that get their name by wrapping themselves in balls of dust.

No one has really, actually seen a dust sprite beyond the walls of stringy, web like dust they construct around themselves.

Commonly seen as house pests, dust sprites are very much unwelcome in the houses of the people of Sky. It is generally practiced to keep all windows and doors facing the direction of the sun in the morning to be kept shut throughout the night. Otherwise, these pesky little creatures may just find their way into your home.

As they move around in the air as a colony, it is not a very pleasant situation to find a swarm of them (averaging into the hundreds) flooding your home as they leave dust all over the place.

Dust sprites are attracted to pools of golden sunlight that shine onto surfaces, preferably in the early hours of the morning or in the late evenings. It is best to keep curtains drawn when trying to get rid of them.

Dust sprites are generally harmless creatures although there have been reports of dust sprites being choking hazards of sleeping humans.

They are also believed to whisper strange things into the ears of sleeping children, which can range from narrating dreams to prophecies and even blessings.

Dust sprites can float up to great heights, the furthest ever recorded being up to 651 metres above sea level.

Dust sprites do not make great pets as they are wondering spirits.

There are little known uses for dust sprites commercially. (Besides making stuffing content to be used in items such as pillows and beds from the soft dust they leave behind)

Dust sprites have been studied to move by squirting puffs of air out from within, wheezing around in small, quick darts. However, it is noted that they cannot travel long distances as this motion tires the creatures out easily. They therefore can only migrate to various parts of Sky by catching onto seasonal drafts of winds.p

Dust sprites have only been recorded to interact with children. Barely do they draw close to humans of ages 15 and above.

They also make squeaky, high pitched whines when touched, but will eventually dart away far enough before the toucher is able to have contact with them again.

It is unknown of whether dust sprites consume any substances as food, as previously mentioned, they have never been observed out of their dust balls.