My Ocean

Looking back, everything feels more like a dream.

Maybe that’s why I like thinking about the past so much. Because then it’s really, and truly mine. Those are my memories. If you stop thinking of things, eventually, they’ll get lost somewhere. It’s like having a deep sea as your brain. And you’re holding onto a memory. You’re floating at the surface, looking down into the deep, dark depths of the blue ocean. And I’m holding the past with my hands, tightly. Some days I tell myself that it’s better if I let go of it for a little while. It gets heavy, and my arms ache, and my heart aches.

So I let go of it for a day. A night.

And it floats for a while. But sinks a little, slowly, as more time passes by. Deeper and deeper.

And some days, I do want it back. I want to hold it again. But I have to dive down so deep to get it back.

If I let it go for too long. I’m scared it’ll sink right down into the darkness until I can’t see it anymore.

Do you know how scary that is? Losing something so precious. Memories are precious.

I dwell in them sometimes. Just floating. While I’m on the bus, staring out the window, and I let myself float into a memory.

I smile, sometimes I feel light. But when it goes I feel like I’m falling back into the present.

It hurts sometimes. That fall. Sometimes it hurts pretty bad.

But it’s okay! I’d rather fall for this then fall for something even worse that could have happened. I feel so grateful about the decision we made to build a wall … rather than to risk a horrible tear.

I’ve heard so many stories of how things went so horribly wrong.

And I just think, “Thank you God, thank you for knocking some sense into us. Thank you for giving us mentors.”

Thank you God for saving me from searching for all the wrong things I would have still been wasting time and energy searching for this year.

Thank you God for helping me find out that the most important one I should rely on is you. You’re kinda like the sunlight. That filters into my ocean water. Without you, everything in me will die. And I’d be left an empty graveyard.

And to a certain sea creature even though he may or may not see this at all. (This is really more for me to appreciate everything. Maybe I’ll say it in person sometime I don’t know when if I even get to say it at all)

Thank you for letting me learn how to love, Thank you for being caring and selfless enough to let go, Thank you for being a part of my ocean even if it was only for a while.

Maybe one day you’d find a bigger, better, more beautiful ocean. With more caves to explore. More corals to look at. More fish to eat.

But of course…

I hope…with all my heart, that I’ll see you swimming around again sometime soon.

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