Do you think it’s possible for you to have two different beliefs?
Like if your head didn’t agree with your heart.
It sounds cliché, but today on the bus I actually realized what that feels like.
It’s actually quite horrible. Honestly, I don’t even know what to follow. Which one does God speak to anyway? The head or the heart? Or both?
Your head tells you something, practical, safe. Yeah, that’s right! It’s the best thing to do. That way you won’t get hurt. That way you have lesser to lose. That way…you can protect yourself. It’s the best way to go because it’s the safest.
And your heart lets you feel something more. This other way feels right. You just know it. Somehow…You know. Your heart knows your head’s lying sometimes just to get you to choose the safest route.
Your heart lets you feel a truth deep down inside.
But sometimes the heart can’t be relied on too. Emotions overpower what’s right and wrong. What should be done and what’s for the best. An emotion that stops all sense of time, of the future and of consequence. And when the emotion subsides. That’s when the head kicks you in the butt. (Actually a really weird image came into my mind of a head flying backwards towards the person’s butt and the person does a full backwards somersault okay nevermind.)
So now what? you know your heart is saying the truth, but you know your head knows what’s best even if it gives you a lie to help you choose that route.
My head is just so sick of expectations and it’d rather go to extreme ends than give my heart a chance. And by extreme ends I mean telling lies I know are wrong. But slowly, I’m starting to believe these lies. Day by day. It sinks in deeper. That’s what makes me cry. That I’d lie to myself just to try to make it easier to let go.
Lies never ever work. But for now, I don’t know how else to go around doing it to avoid any slow torture, a grill on a burning furnace.
or maybe I am meant to suffer for a while.
And maybe accepting it is the only thing I can do.
Life isn’t about chasing after happiness. So I guess this is the downhill I need.
I hope I don’t sound too emo. I’m not really. I wonder if I’ll look back and read this and think, “My goodness how emo can I possibly get” Which I probably would but it doesn’t matter because it’s just me.
Or am I lying to myself also by saying I’m getting better. I’m totally fine. I’m okay. I’m brilliant. I want to believe that though. But I think I know what my heart’s saying.