It’s not about me.

I think it’s really important that I align myself every once in a while to what God intended for me to be. I live my life exactly the way I walk. Steering left and right and bumping into everyone when I’m supposed to be just walking straight (I only do that to people I’m closer with but that’s not the point).

I can’t say that I’ve totally let go of all the sadness in my heart. It’s really hard. trying to forget it. I don’t know, can I even forget a feeling?

I feel like I shouldn’t be wasting so much time dwelling on my feelings and moping about with them. God would rather I live my life doing better things, wouldn’t He? I know the inner Mel in me just wants to sit with them forever in a corner and grow mushrooms all day, but that’s definitely not what God would want for me to do.

Today during Youth Alpha training, we were shown this clip from Evan Almighty. And it was the one where Morgan Freeman said this really cool thing:

 

“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”

 

So from now on every time I encounter something horrible, instead of wondering why do I have to feel this way?! I should try and wonder what I am supposed to do with it instead. Maybe this is an opportunity to let myself rely on God instead of all the wrong things. It’s hard though, when I’m so used to relying on other things. All those nights feeling empty and lost and just stopping there and not wondering if there’s something more to this, I really am a fool.

I have to remember that pain isn’t for nothing. Pain tells you something needs fixing. It’s okay to feel it but why am I not doing anything about it and letting it go on and on and on?

And anyways, if I didn’t think so much about myself and if I wasn’t so selfish, I wouldn’t feel this bitterness anyway. It’s not about me.

That sentence is really magical.

It’s not about me.

When I say that to myself and remind myself, all my bitterness and sadness and worry just goes away.

 

And prayer. I did make a resolution to pray more about things, but recently I’ve been failing pretty badly. Pray. And Listen, most importantly. Today bro John thought us about slowing down, not being hurried and the importance of listening. And that prayer is not just a one-way thing, I have to spare time and stillness for God to talk to me too.

There was a really cool verse on Love too. (John 4:7-12)

Something like: No one who has truly received God’s love keeps it to themselves. And when we love one another, his love is made complete in us. We will only truly know his love when we love others as he did. So its a cycle thingy.

Is what I’m doing, moping about feeling sorry about myself love? I THINK NOT.

It’s being selfish.

 

OH and I better write this down here before I forget. Pastor Joey made a really great point today.

“If your friends looked at your life, would they see heaven or hell?”

It was a really good reminder.

My life isn’t just mine to live. It’s also a testimony for others to see. I’m a witness. What in the world am I doing with it? Moping about?!

Come on Rachel, there are better things to do with the life God gave you.

Your life isn’t yours to live anymore when you sang those words of giving it all to Him. It’s His.

 

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Dear God

Please just help me to stop doing stupid things to myself.

Cover my ears from those horrible voices. Laughter. At me. At my patheticness.

Help me to hold on to you instead.

I’m tired of letting these things get to my head.

I’m not going to let myself go there again.

It’s really time I learned my lesson.

I don’t want to turn to loud music, drunked laughter, or a hectic life to run away. Help me to run to you instead. Help me find my way back home.

Little moments

There are times in a day when I wish I could just capture perfectly. Well, not as a picture, or a video. I was thinking more of just capturing a moment.

I wish I could remember exactly how a moment felt like for the rest of my life. Exactly as it was.

Perhaps re-live it again.

Moments like a small adventure I had with my friend and another newly made one today.

At the best time of the day when the sun makes everything beautiful.

Laughing. Feeling on top of the world. Walking together in the middle of nowhere with overgrown trees over a path next to a fast-paced highway. Just that moment.

Feeling like a story book. Like part of a page. Or maybe even a movie adaptation of the story.

The perfect moment for some song that makes you feel as if you’re driving down a long highway really really fast with the window open and wind rushing past you everywhere.

Whoooooosh. Just like that.

Or standing right at the front of the bus and feeling as if you’re flying. And realising that it’s the wrong bus and having to get back down and walk all the way back again.

But it was okay because there was a small bridge that felt as if I were walking down a highway. And it was good because I had great songs with me to sing along to and no one could hear me.

Even quiet moments. Just sitting on the bus in the mornings with gloomy skies outside. Leaning against the window. Thinking of things as always, but with another great (but sad) song playing with me. It could also be a sad moment I want to capture. Because sad moments are sometimes as beautiful as the lyrics of really sad songs.

I don’t really know how to explain it. It’s just, a time in a day when you just feel aware of that moment. Moments go by all the time without us really being aware of them even if we were living it. And when we don’t appreciate that moment when it’s there, that point of time when you’re alive in that moment, it goes by, and you’ll never get it back the same way it was. The exact way it felt.

A memory is when you try to recreate that moment. But somehow it’s just never the same.

Little moments like that are really precious.

I really wish I could relive them and be happy rather than sad that they’re gone forever.

 

The Taxi Driver

Something really cool happened today that got me and Jairia squealing and jumping after we got out of the cab.

It was kind of a series of unprecedented events, really. All we wanted to do was to try to get to church in time from Newton, but we thought we were making all the wrong choices and mistakes, and yet we knew why those things happened!!

THINGS WE SCREWED UP ON BUT NOT REALLY:

1) Decided to take the MRT instead of taking a cab from Newton. I don’t know why we thought it was the best idea and I have no idea why I was so dead on for taking the MRT even though everyone else was taking a cab.

2) Made the mistake of getting on the wrong train. We were rushing and we just darted into this train headed for the wrong direction. By the time Jairia realised this, the doors were already closed.

3) We really didn’t know what to do and decided we’d just get off at the next stop. BUT the doors suddenly opened again and we cried out in relief “THANK YOU GOD!!!” before rushing out again.

4) Took the (right) train and when we reached Redhill MRT Station, something just told me to ask Jairia if she wanted to get off here and take a cab instead because we were really going to be very late. I don’t know why of all places, but she just nodded and we laughed at the fact that we agreed on something so out of the blue in 2 seconds and rushed out of the train again.

5) Hailed a Taxi who came almost instantaneously.

 

Maybe God led us to this particular Taxi Driver, because we ended up conversing with the driver about religion all the way back._. Well, at least, Jairia did most of the talking in chinese (I couldn’t even form a proper sentence) and I whispered English stuff for her to translate when I wanted to say something. The cab uncle even pointed out he noticed I was horrible at Chinese hahahahaha._.

He even told us that he would like to drive us again if he could because we were so nice to talk to, and that we ‘had hearts’ (I’m translating this directly from Chinese).

And Jairia asked him if he ever wanted to come to church, and told him that services were on Sundays.

He said that if he went, he’d say that two teenage girls asked him to go!!!

This is one of the coolest things that’s ever happened to me, of all the chances we had of getting into this particular uncle’s cab, at that exact point in time that we didn’t miss him, because of all the small minor setbacks we had traveling back, and all the random weird decisions we made. It really is something else other than us doing all these things.

 

God’s timing is always perfect, even if it meant that we’d be late for church for almost half an hour.

Be Brave Rachel!!

It’ll really be really really really sad if I chicken out.

It’s like burying things away again.

I can already see myself just not going through with it and biting my lip and stuffing it back.

 

I hope I don’t make things worse. That’ll be even sadder when all I really want to do is to try to help.

If I chicken out I shall not listen to any songs on my YouTube playlist this weekend.

That’s your punishment Rachel for being a chicken.

 

I bet my legs will get all jelly. WHY AM I EVEN SO SCARED WHATS MY PROBLEM.

IT SHOULDN’T EVEN BE A SCARY THING!

It’s not scary, you’re just being stupid Rachel.

and overthinking. again. as always.

Late night poem I feel like writing something

You could go on a chair, spin round and round

Stare into the air, you’ll see the world stand still

Sometimes everything moves except you

Lie on your head, let the ocean drown you out

Voices from seashells a hundred years ago

And you talk to them sometimes

sometimes they talk back to you too

Swept away someday; the silence kills

You go to the trees of a winter forest, instead

The leaves surround you in the wind

You lie in their embrace of dead red and gold

leaves that have grown mouldy and old

Sing a song of the falcon in the sky

 

I don’t really know what I’m writing. I guess it’s also because it’s really really late at night ( I mean morning) and I think this is the time when my brain is most crazy. Not a party kind of crazy, but a loose kind. I don’t know if that makes sense. I should get some sleep.

Day of Dialouges

(I like what I did with the title.)

Today felt like one of those days where you just float from one place to the next. It wasn’t full of happiness the entire time, but looking back, I do feel happy.

Our Sociology Lecturer took us to this place called Dialogue in the Dark! It’s this place where you get to put yourself in the shoes of the visibly impaired, and it’s pretty freaky, the way you’re suddenly surrounded by complete darkness.

It’s really quite rare to be in a place like that.

We were all given white canes to use, and a lady brought us around. She herself was blind, but it was cool how in this case, we were all the ones who were blind instead.

Do you know how weird it is to open your eyes and not see anything?

Nothing. Complete nothingness. Except for those electrical looking dots and blotches that you see when it’s really dark. I don’t really know what they are. Maybe it’s stuff from some other dimension that you can only see when you can’t see. I would say they were sort of purplish and white-ish, but the more I try to notice them the more I can’t see their colours.

It’s really quite a hard thing to go through, getting used to being blind. Our guide told us that some of her friends never got out of their house for years when they first became that way. It’s scary. The world feels so much bigger than it really is when you can’t see. A small room feels infinite until you reach a wall. Getting used to the unknown is a very brave thing to do. I don’t want to pity them though. I think respect would be something they deserve more.

I wonder how I’d react if I ever go blind one day. I think I’d cry. I’d feel sorry for myself. I’d feel scared. And alone. I wouldn’t want to forget how the people I love looked like. I wouldn’t want to forget how I’d look like.

It’s a different world on its own. It’s like as if you pulled off the entire layer of the world and you’re left with what’s under. The rest of it.

Of course, we were only blind for a good hour or so, and these people don’t walk out of the dark room to get back into reality. It’s crazy to think that it’s a reality to some people. So I can’t say that I totally understand what it feels like to be blind.

I wonder how the guides feel. People come in here and go, saying things like, “Man, I’m so glad to see again.” when they reach the end of the tour. I wonder if it makes them feel really sad all the time when they hear things like that, or if they’re used to it and accept it. Some people never do.

But it was a great experience all in all.

 

Another dialogue today that I really enjoyed was on my way back home with Ivy. It’s really cool to think how we barely knew each other for four years even though we were in the same school.

She’s not someone who finds it easy to be conventionally well liked. And I guess it’s true with most people who are very opinionated and express them very strongly.

I never thought I’d be okay with people who are opinionated. Because I’m pretty opinionated myself. I thought we’d be terrible and clash so much. I guess we just had an underground mutual agreement that we don’t agree on certain things. And I like how we both listen to each others beliefs and really take interest in them. Especially when it comes to God.

I realised she wanted a God based more on relatable needs rather than someone to trust in. And she found she couldn’t relate to a God who was perfect.

So she found other Gods that she could.

Then I asked her what her definition of God was, and we both had very different answers to that. And that’s why I knew I couldn’t just tell her about God assuming that she knew why God was God and why He was my God. This is quite a confusing sentence, but anyways, the whole topic is already confusing on its own.

I told her I like how she portrayed herself in how honest she was not caring what people think of her. (Although I told her there are good and bad parts of that) Not to say I liked her personality. It was okay. I didn’t hate it either. It wasn’t very compatible with mine, but I like how different she was.

I love getting to know people in this way. Their beliefs. Their opinions. I like asking her about her opinions. They were very interesting and different (I think I’m repeating myself too much here). It makes her who she is.

Her greatest value is intelligence. Which I guess shows something about the deepest things inside of her which I’m still trying to figure out.

I asked her what she valued most in relationships (or found most important) and she said it was intelligence too. I also said that it was the first time I heard anyone say that. Most of the time it was trust, or loyalty, or romance, or chemistry, those kinds of things. She loves her boyfriend a lot for his intelligence too.

I told her I thought servitude was most important (that was when we were entering the train) and she agreed with me.

“…and it’s kind of like selflessness, you know? I think that’s what Love is. Being selfless. When you put someone’s else needs before your own, that’s love,” I said. And she nodded her head meaningfully. “Of course, I mean it’s easier said than done,” I added, so she wouldn’t form the impression that I actually perfected it and am some saint singing hymns on a hill or something. I don’t like when people think I’m something I’m not.

Then I told her I only really got to appreciating selflessness and trying to be selfless when I took God seriously. (It was a swift move to bring God back into the conversation muahahahaha)

She also talked about things like if we really had free will and crazy things like that, which I really liked.

I think she’s teaching me how to appreciate differences.

She is very different from me. Really. I was even a little scared of her at first because she has lip piercings and swears and likes Yaoi.

She’s almost like a character of a story. Which I find really cool. Not to say I advocate these things. But you know, learning to not be phobic of things like these is a good thing to learn.

As Christians I don’t think we should shun people who have lip piercings. Or swear. Or proclaim their homosexuality, but I think it’s something we do a lot. We judge. It’s easy to express our disdain in disgust and cockiness. A lot of people don’t like Christians just because of that. I see that on YouTube comments all the time.

That’s why I never tell her that I don’t like her piercings or when she swears or that I find Yaoi really really creepy. I don’t want her to feel like I think lesser of her because of those (Which she might easily take it to be even if it’s not true). Like I know some people who say things like, “Please, can you not swear, or can you take out your piercings it’s disturbing me.” Which I guess is okay if said nicely because you are taking your stand on things and the morals you believe in. But I’m scared that she will not want to open up to me if I say things like that.

I know we are supposed to, as Christians, take our stand on things because if we don’t deny it, then we’re for it, right?

But I think there are other ways to take our stand in a gentler way. I’m still figuring out how to. Like how I told her why Christians shouldn’t swear, but didn’t say anything about why she shouldn’t. It was her choice. People don’t like it when you don’t give them one.

Anyways, I’m really glad I got the chance to get to know her more. It’s something that made me happy and warm today.

I think this blog is turning more into a diary.

I should really start on my essays now.

Which is ironic since I’ve been writing all this while.

Just Friends again.

I’m starting to like books that feel really real.

I mean, books that feel like as if they were really written by someone who actually exists. I like how books do that. It feels like you really know the person. And the more I read about the person, the more I love the person. Reading about how they view the world, what they think of this and that. What they felt. The little meaningful things they learn. The kind of music they liked.

These books are amazing. Even if they don’t have the best descriptions, or flowery vocabulary. And these are the kinds that are really hard to stop reading (But I managed to put it down to write this so yay!)

I want to try to be real like that in what I write. And when I read back to all these things, it’ll be cool. It’s nice to have a place to put your thoughts and things. Memories. I notice I didn’t really write things much in detail, unlike what I had wanted to do for this new school year. So I’ll try.

 

For today, one of the things I learned was how to not care about what other people think. (The good kind, I know there’s a bad kind too)

And I always do really care about what others think of me. I mean, I don’t want them to think I’m a bad person and things like that. I wouldn’t want people to treat me or see me in a way that’s not really me. So I do make an effort to care.

During Lunch the three of us usually just sit in our own corner on the floor and talk about things. I like it when we just sit and talk. And how we talk about ourselves and each other instead of study stuff and things that don’t really let us get to know each other as people.

Things like, “How many children would you want in the future?”

or “Were you bullied in the past before?”

or something I asked Ivy, which was about what she thought of God and religion,

and “How many times did you guys cry this year?”, which Samuel asked.

For some reason they both looked at me first. Well, maybe it was because I was sitting in front of them.

I said, “Quite a lot actually. This year’s been a pretty emo one so far.”

Then Samuel asked, “Why?”

“Well, there’s been a lot of changes for me this year.”

I told them about how I had to switch into a totally new cell and feeling really left out because almost everyone I knew was a cell leader and I wasn’t.

“That’s it?”

And it kinda showed on my face, that I was hiding other things. I don’t really like to lie. Especially about things about me. Unless it’s something really really bad and totally unmentionable. The corners of my mouth tighten a little and my eyes strain. There was a little pause. An expectant one. I looked into my cold soba bowl and played with the noodles a little.

“Errr…”

I ended up telling them about how I felt like I lost a really good friend. I liked how they didn’t blow it up into something huge. It was normal. They didn’t go “Oh my gosh, whoa I didn’t know that…”, they just listened.

I don’t think they really understood why it happened though. I had to prove to them why it was the right thing to do. Most people wouldn’t think it’s the best way. But then again most people think that the hardest, most painful way is the worst way.

Then Ivy left for the toilet and I spent the time trying to explain myself to Samuel, who was telling me about how his friends in his church got into a relationship and they are fine and everything. (It sort of turned into a soft debate)

When Ivy came back, some guy from another class walked past and stopped, and said really loudly to Ivy, “Eh Ivy, don’t be a (Light bulb in Chinese. I think.), let them have some alone time!” I felt like shoving the guy off and telling him to shut up but that would be what my primary-school-past self would do and I’m not that anymore.

I think I should go into a flashback here. It kind of started when Samuel and I were waiting for Ivy to finish bathing at a table near the poolside ( I mean we were waiting at the table near the poolside, not Ivy bathing at a table._.), and this very same guy, let’s call him Timothy. Timothy walked up to us and asked in that same loud voice, “Are you guys dating?” And we both said NO in unison and he never stopped teasing us since. I felt awkward at first. And it made me not want to really hang out with Samuel anymore. (It was just a feeling, I didn’t actually stop talking to him)

Anyway, we just ignored him and I continued explaining things. A part of me had that awkwardness again, but it was fading away a lot more, because we both knew it was donkeypoo, and I guess that’s all that matters. Truth.

Timothy kept on at it though saying things like, “Awww, so sweet.” And other things I can’t really remember because I wasn’t paying attention.

Suddenly it didn’t really matter anymore. It shouldn’t even matter anyway. Why should it? We’re adults now. We’re not little kids who tease just because a boy plays the swings with a girl. We’re grown ups. Adults. Mature beings. =3= (this face feels right here)

It shouldn’t matter what other people think of you so long as you know the truth. And I shouldn’t let that affect a friendship. It’s like how you shouldn’t care if people say you’re ugly or you’re a flirt or some other thing that’s NOT true. I guess my story is a pretty mild version of this, but I know of people who stop being friends just because of the teasing.

I used to act as if I hated this one boy in my primary school because people kept teasing that he liked me. I didn’t really hate him, but somehow it turned into annoyance and hate. And up to now I really regret the mean things I did just to throw people off any thought that I could possibly like him too:/

 

“But, why can’t you guys just be friends, just normal friends? Isn’t it bad when you think of him so much?”

I don’t know. Can we? Normal friends sounds nice. But I don’t think we really are now. And it hurts. Because it feels like I did something wrong. Or could I have done more? Or if it were even possible?

I told Samuel that we just can’t. It can’t be normal, and I don’t think it can ever be just normal. Whatever normal means. I don’t think he bought it. Or maybe he thought I was melodramatic.

Maybe special things can never be both normal and special at the same time. It’s either special or nothing.

 

Nothing huh.

 

Friendships are really vulnerable, aren’t they?

That’s what makes them precious.

 

I’m glad we can be just friends. Not super duper best friends, not friends you make just for status. Not friends you make just because you feel obliged to. I wouldn’t even say close friends. But… just friends. I know I said I can’t just bundle types of friends into just friends. But I think now I know what it means.

It’s nice to have a guy friend and not worry about all these relationship thingies. It feels like being a kindergarten kid again. when there wasn’t such a thing as guys and girls. We were all just kids.We all played together nonetheless.

I wish it could be like that for everyone. Then things wouldn’t have to be so complicated. It’s a child’s wish. For life to be not complicated. I know that. Sometimes I do want to wish like a child. Even if it doesn’t do anything. Why is it when we grow older, things get so complicated with everything?

Why do these boy and girl things have to be complicated? Wei Qian asked me that before. I asked myself that before too. Maybe it’s because they just are.

Heaven will be like that though. We’re all just going to be great friends and these things wouldn’t matter.

A part of me wants it to not matter.

But then another part of me would rather these things mattered.

Because special things matter the most.

And usually the path that’s the hardest is the one that’s right, even if we don’t know where we’ll end up in the end.

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, There is Freedom (2 Cor 3:17)

I never really understood what it meant by God setting us free, a year or two ago.

It’s confusing, how is it freedom when Christians are the ones who are always not allowed to do so many things?

 

So as you can tell I didn’t really understand those songs that talked about being free from our chains, being set free and stuff.

Now I understand it more than ever.

You know when I’ve done something wrong, and I know deep down that it’s all my fault, I feel so trapped.

What gives you the right to worship and serve God when you’ve done so and so? How can you enjoy yourself when you’ve done this and that? Voices in my head. Or feelings. Guilt.

You can’t even live life properly. You can’t ever live life properly if things are haunting you.

When the world talks about freedom, it tells you that freedom is being able to do whatever you want, whenever you want. That was how I always saw freedom to be before I really started to think more about it.

I don’t know what freedom isn’t about, but I know what freedom is. Freedom is being able to live without any weights. Without being tied down with sin. (Which leads to guilt and there are many things we can’t do when we feel guilt)

Being able to talk to God like a friend.

Being able to serve him and feeling privileged to instead of feeling undeserving.

 

And most of the time, the people who say they are free because they can do whatever they want (drinking, smoking and all the *Ahem* stuff) are the ones tied down to them in the first place.

I guess they call us fools too, like “How can you say you’ve been set free when all you’re doing is being some servant to some God?”

Well, it’s freedom if that’s what I want to do and I am able to do it, right?

And God set us free from the consequences of sin not so that we can indulge in it more, but so that we can Serve one another in love and serve him as well. And to serve with joy.

 

Where the Spirit of the Lord is there is Freeeeeeeeeeeeeeedoooooooooooom!!!!!

Where the spirit of the Lord is chains are broken, eyes are opened

Christ is wiiiiiiitttthhh usssssss, Christ is wiiiiiiiiittthhhh usssss!!!!!

(I tried to sing this song in text form and I don’t think it’s working)

 

 

 

Bacteria party

How long can a sting from disinfectant last?

Sometimes…it’s really hard to believe that something that hurts so much is good for you.

It’s not that the pain is there all the time.

Something triggers it, usually.

Like how you don’t really feel much pain from a cut unless someone sprays water all over it.

I don’t even know if it’s the disinfectant anymore, or if it’s actually an infection going on.

Bacteria party in my knee maybe. Or my heart.

Brilliant.

I have no idea what’s going on in there.

But I know it’s not very nice:/