It’s pretty easy for me to share really personal stuff to even people whom I’ve only known for a week once I feel like I can really trust them.
I guess I just like sharing! For people to know me better, to trust me. And I like trusting people too. And letting others know I trust them as well.
Jairia told me I shouldn’t be so ready to share personal things.
It’s just like giving a stranger you just met your address. Well in this case, it’d be the address to the insides of your heart. And you don’t know if that person could harm you with that information.
I always thought my judgments were pretty good. Like I can usually tell whether I should trust this person. And I’m someone who just follows my wild jungle instincts.
That’s one reason why I’m trying to heed her advice and not go full out exposing myself to someone I don’t truly know properly yet. That’s why I’m still taking it slow with my friends. It’s funny how I have to actively block myself.
The other reason… well…
When you share something it forms a bond, right? Some sort of attachment. Especially if it’s something you hold really deep inside your heart.
It feels wrong to form a closer bond with my friend…who’s a guy.
It’s like…before I utter something, a voice in my head just tells me to STOP. And I follow that voice. And NO I’M NOT SCHIZOPRHENIC.
I just know it’s wrong. It’s not essentially morally incorrect. I just know it’s not good.
Even though there aren’t any ‘those kinds of feelings’ at all, and I don’t think I can even feel that for anyone else.
Why can’t guys and girls be good friends? Is it really impossible to have a friendship without breaking that boundary? I’m just gonna stick with “yup it’s impossible” because I don’t want to risk anything. But I still can’t help but question that truth. I mean there are so many examples out there of a guy and a girl being just friends. Maybe it really depends on the individual. How reliant you are on a friendship.
I’m pretty reliant, so I guess…the answer’s no for me.
I Just thought more about it (I spend pretty long writing these posts because most of the time I’m just staring at the screen thinking), and well, there are different kinds of friendships aren’t there? I can’t just snowball all of them into one.
I can’t jumble them all up in one phrase, “Just Friends.”
I think…that boundary for guys and girls is crossed when reliance gets in the picture. I think. I’m not sure. That’s my thesis. (Psychology student symptoms coming in hahaha) You can be friends without relying on them…right? It’s like how out of all my ‘close friends’ (only 5 people) whom I feel totally comfortable with sharing anything, only one of them I really rely on, and that person is Jairia. (She would be so touched if she read this LOL I think I’ll tell her later)
So it’s possible to share loads of stuff but not be reliant on someone. (I have my evidence and proof to back up my point hahaha at least I don’t have to reference some science journal on blog posts.)
But since I am a pretty reliant person I should really watch myself. And still be wary. For the guy thingy. Yup.
Anyway I should really not overthink this too much and just be a good friend.
And not purposely be cold and distant. Which feels wrong too.
OH right! Don’t go to a guy friend when you’re in your immediate state of need and panic. That’s how you prevent reliance. And other stuff.
In my new cell, there was a discussion going on among the girls, and I was listening in.
“You can’t stop yourself from falling in love.” One of then said.
Well maybe it’s a personal thing
In my personal opinion, I think it’s a choice. We don’t exactly fall in love. We just love.
Sure you can be attracted to someone. But it’s your choice to choose whether you’re going to pursue it. Because it’ll fade off over time if you don’t.
It’s a conscious choice to rely on someone too.
I think this has got to be one of my most poorly organized posts since i’m just writing down whatever comes to mind and not thinking things through first before writing. It’s like an on going chat with myself. But I really like how it clears out my thoughts and I find the answer that’s inside me all along.
I feel so much more at peace now
-____- (That’s supposed to be my peaceful face but I don’t think it looks like it, which is why I’m explaining myself here)