I’m starting to like books that feel really real.
I mean, books that feel like as if they were really written by someone who actually exists. I like how books do that. It feels like you really know the person. And the more I read about the person, the more I love the person. Reading about how they view the world, what they think of this and that. What they felt. The little meaningful things they learn. The kind of music they liked.
These books are amazing. Even if they don’t have the best descriptions, or flowery vocabulary. And these are the kinds that are really hard to stop reading (But I managed to put it down to write this so yay!)
I want to try to be real like that in what I write. And when I read back to all these things, it’ll be cool. It’s nice to have a place to put your thoughts and things. Memories. I notice I didn’t really write things much in detail, unlike what I had wanted to do for this new school year. So I’ll try.
For today, one of the things I learned was how to not care about what other people think. (The good kind, I know there’s a bad kind too)
And I always do really care about what others think of me. I mean, I don’t want them to think I’m a bad person and things like that. I wouldn’t want people to treat me or see me in a way that’s not really me. So I do make an effort to care.
During Lunch the three of us usually just sit in our own corner on the floor and talk about things. I like it when we just sit and talk. And how we talk about ourselves and each other instead of study stuff and things that don’t really let us get to know each other as people.
Things like, “How many children would you want in the future?”
or “Were you bullied in the past before?”
or something I asked Ivy, which was about what she thought of God and religion,
and “How many times did you guys cry this year?”, which Samuel asked.
For some reason they both looked at me first. Well, maybe it was because I was sitting in front of them.
I said, “Quite a lot actually. This year’s been a pretty emo one so far.”
Then Samuel asked, “Why?”
“Well, there’s been a lot of changes for me this year.”
I told them about how I had to switch into a totally new cell and feeling really left out because almost everyone I knew was a cell leader and I wasn’t.
And it kinda showed on my face, that I was hiding other things. I don’t really like to lie. Especially about things about me. Unless it’s something really really bad and totally unmentionable. The corners of my mouth tighten a little and my eyes strain. There was a little pause. An expectant one. I looked into my cold soba bowl and played with the noodles a little.
I ended up telling them about how I felt like I lost a really good friend. I liked how they didn’t blow it up into something huge. It was normal. They didn’t go “Oh my gosh, whoa I didn’t know that…”, they just listened.
I don’t think they really understood why it happened though. I had to prove to them why it was the right thing to do. Most people wouldn’t think it’s the best way. But then again most people think that the hardest, most painful way is the worst way.
Then Ivy left for the toilet and I spent the time trying to explain myself to Samuel, who was telling me about how his friends in his church got into a relationship and they are fine and everything. (It sort of turned into a soft debate)
When Ivy came back, some guy from another class walked past and stopped, and said really loudly to Ivy, “Eh Ivy, don’t be a (Light bulb in Chinese. I think.), let them have some alone time!” I felt like shoving the guy off and telling him to shut up but that would be what my primary-school-past self would do and I’m not that anymore.
I think I should go into a flashback here. It kind of started when Samuel and I were waiting for Ivy to finish bathing at a table near the poolside ( I mean we were waiting at the table near the poolside, not Ivy bathing at a table._.), and this very same guy, let’s call him Timothy. Timothy walked up to us and asked in that same loud voice, “Are you guys dating?” And we both said NO in unison and he never stopped teasing us since. I felt awkward at first. And it made me not want to really hang out with Samuel anymore. (It was just a feeling, I didn’t actually stop talking to him)
Anyway, we just ignored him and I continued explaining things. A part of me had that awkwardness again, but it was fading away a lot more, because we both knew it was donkeypoo, and I guess that’s all that matters. Truth.
Timothy kept on at it though saying things like, “Awww, so sweet.” And other things I can’t really remember because I wasn’t paying attention.
Suddenly it didn’t really matter anymore. It shouldn’t even matter anyway. Why should it? We’re adults now. We’re not little kids who tease just because a boy plays the swings with a girl. We’re grown ups. Adults. Mature beings. =3= (this face feels right here)
It shouldn’t matter what other people think of you so long as you know the truth. And I shouldn’t let that affect a friendship. It’s like how you shouldn’t care if people say you’re ugly or you’re a flirt or some other thing that’s NOT true. I guess my story is a pretty mild version of this, but I know of people who stop being friends just because of the teasing.
I used to act as if I hated this one boy in my primary school because people kept teasing that he liked me. I didn’t really hate him, but somehow it turned into annoyance and hate. And up to now I really regret the mean things I did just to throw people off any thought that I could possibly like him too:/
“But, why can’t you guys just be friends, just normal friends? Isn’t it bad when you think of him so much?”
I don’t know. Can we? Normal friends sounds nice. But I don’t think we really are now. And it hurts. Because it feels like I did something wrong. Or could I have done more? Or if it were even possible?
I told Samuel that we just can’t. It can’t be normal, and I don’t think it can ever be just normal. Whatever normal means. I don’t think he bought it. Or maybe he thought I was melodramatic.
Maybe special things can never be both normal and special at the same time. It’s either special or nothing.
Friendships are really vulnerable, aren’t they?
That’s what makes them precious.
I’m glad we can be just friends. Not super duper best friends, not friends you make just for status. Not friends you make just because you feel obliged to. I wouldn’t even say close friends. But… just friends. I know I said I can’t just bundle types of friends into just friends. But I think now I know what it means.
It’s nice to have a guy friend and not worry about all these relationship thingies. It feels like being a kindergarten kid again. when there wasn’t such a thing as guys and girls. We were all just kids.We all played together nonetheless.
I wish it could be like that for everyone. Then things wouldn’t have to be so complicated. It’s a child’s wish. For life to be not complicated. I know that. Sometimes I do want to wish like a child. Even if it doesn’t do anything. Why is it when we grow older, things get so complicated with everything?
Why do these boy and girl things have to be complicated? Wei Qian asked me that before. I asked myself that before too. Maybe it’s because they just are.
Heaven will be like that though. We’re all just going to be great friends and these things wouldn’t matter.
A part of me wants it to not matter.
But then another part of me would rather these things mattered.
Because special things matter the most.
And usually the path that’s the hardest is the one that’s right, even if we don’t know where we’ll end up in the end.