Maybe I flew back into time today.
Suddenly I’m back at the beginning of the year, a filled-up bottle about to crack and burst.
Feeling alone even though I wasn’t.
“I thought you were already over it already?”
That was what Jairia said.
I want to ask myself the exact same question too. Why am I still breaking apart from the same reasons over and over again? It’s because I never truly let them out. They were always still inside.
Do you know how hard it is to hide the fact that you’re crying like a mad woman in the middle of service? ESPECIALLY being the Service Manager today as well?!
I only started to break down when worship started. When no one was looking at me. And only God was looking at me. At my head, at my heart.
Please please please don’t notice me.
Hiding in the back, hiding in the shadows.
What the hell was I doing. I was supposed to be on top of things. Being organised. Managing. And I ended up curled into a ball in the cry room (which was oh so appropriately named) throughout the entire service. I missed a whole sermon just sitting there. I missed the whole of worship just crying. I couldn’t even hear the lyrics.
And the most bizarre thing was I didn’t even know why.
If you asked me, “Why were you crying?”
I think I’d pause for a while, and then say, “Everything”.
I hope this isn’t a sign of depression. Being sad for periodic moments over a long time. Not even knowing what was making me this way. Maybe there’s just so many small reasons collected and snowballed into this huge time bomb just waiting to explode.
I hate being emotional sometimes. I feel like a cry baby. I feel so stupid and useless and weak. Even now as I type this, I can already feel it. And my vision starts to get blurry.
And alone. Even though I’m surrounded by people who really care for me. It’s a different kind of alone. It’s more like, I’m the only one crying my eyeballs out all the time. I’m really thankful for all the people who cared though.
Somehow when I’m at my ugliest and most pathetic moments, Sis Jolene is there patting me and constantly telling me “It’s okay” and giving me mountains of tissues. And I’m sobbing and hiccuping and making waterfalls of snot and mucus and these small squeaks and noises and she hugs me in the toilet. And as usual I can’t utter a single word of how I feel and why.
Sis Livia sat with me and talked about service with me in the cry room when she found out.
Even Jolene, the sec one girl who ambushes me like a bull and attempts to break at least three of my ribs (Which I really love actually) every time she sees me asked me if I was okay and hugged me like a koala bear when she saw my face.
Bro Isaac asked if I wanted to talk after service, even though we never really got to in the end. He kinda knew something was wrong with my face in the beginning, which I passed off as just being tired at the start.
And Bro John talking to me about feelings and emotions and things. I like how he makes it sound so normal and not weird. Oh it’s totally normal to feel like you’re rotting even more than a fermented squid soaked in river water and algae. Even though I didn’t tell him what or why, he said, “Never let an experience go to waste without learning something about yourself”.
Honestly, I really don’t know why it got so bad today. And of what. My brain really hurts now. I could literally feel this vein throbbing on my forehead back then.
I don’t even feel like there was any reason to feel sad today. Or maybe deep down I do but my brain just doesn’t want to admit it.
I hope I don’t develop bi-polar depression or get schizophrenic. It’s pretty scary actually. I was reading my textbook on abnormal psychology this morning because I didn’t really have much to do, and it was scary. I know I’m just exaggerating on developing those things. This is probably just some mild very very mild depression. Like maybe my brain just feels like screwing up the hormone and chemical levels in me. I don’t think it’s PMS. But then again I can’t be bothered to do that recording down of when it’s strawberry jam time of the month (Which I should really get to doing sometime soon).
I know I’m definitely NOT suicidal. I can’t believe Jairia didn’t want to leave me alone in the room because of that. “You won’t do anything stupid right?!” She says, and I say, “NO LAH, SERIOUSLY! “
Anyways what could I possible use to kill myself in that room, a chair and some blue-tack? OKAY THIS IS GETTING A BIT WEIRD MOVING ON
Pain isn’t something I should bottle up, I know that. The more I talk about it though, the worse it gets, so I guess that’s why I didn’t really want to talk much about it.
Livia told me I should spend more time tonight with God.
I don’t know, what should I say?
I think maybe I should just keep quiet instead and try to listen instead of rant and cry.
And on the other side of the spectrum, cell was really fun today. It was one of those infinite moments too. Climbing up this crazy hill full of long spiky grass and ants. Climbing over walls and feeling on top of the world. Seeing the beautiful sunset and the lovely sky, and the clouds moving so quickly overhead.
Singing songs in the playground, trying to harmonize along to Hillsongs. Beating Christopher and being taught some gyming stuff by Daniel Hanley. Walking back to the bus stop with Elmer and hearing the streets so peacefully silent for the first time. And running after the bus talking about music.
The pain went away, faded a lot. So much until it felt like it wasn’t really there anymore. But I think it still was. It always was all this time.
Is it wrong to want to forget stuff like that for a while and just enjoy carefree moments like these?
I really don’t know what’s wrong with me.
Maybe I just got really really good at separating the things that are hurting away from my life and my face. I was so good I even fooled myself into thinking they didn’t exist anymore.
Or, another theory I have is that I let go of these baggages from time to time but feel so empty so I pick them up again. I think this one makes more sense.
WHICH boils down to me not being able to let go completely even after all this time. I’m still in a stage of denial. Not being able to accept what the present is.
Always thinking of what-ifs, and I wish.
So what do I learn about myself from all of this?
I guess I know I’m still not letting go, I’m still stuck in the past. I suck at managing my emotions. I’m not depending on God as much as I should be.
Most of all I learned today of how many people truly care for me and I feel extremely grateful and lucky.
I mean blessed.