Time

Time is so strange.

It runs differently when you’re alone.

And when you’re with people.

And it runs differently for the different people you’re with.

When you look back at it you wonder if the past exists at all.

When you look ahead of it you wonder if you’ll ever get there.

When you look at it right in the face, everything else disappears.

You feel like a ghost in a crowd. It feels as if you’re the only one aware of time walking quietly beside you.

You’re invisible.

There’s nothing you can do about time. It goes where it pleases. It does what it wants.

Sometimes you wish you can be it’s friend.

But those are the moments when it leaves you alone.

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Depending on Him

Talked to Joni for a while just now.

And we talked about being dependent on God. Really, how do you do that exactly?? It’s hard to come up with concrete ways to do that.

She said maybe it’s about telling God everything. Confiding in Him. 

” ‘I wanna walk with you every day of my life/ to talk with you in the good and the strife’  I guess it’s telling God about your every moment every day and bringing it to Him.”

“hmmmmmm Yeah I should do that more, don’t feel as alone thinking about it like that! And it feels nice.”

“Yeah it does.

“Nice warm happy feeling hahah”

“I sang that in my heart and I felt a lot better”

Suddenly I feel so much more peace now. And that uneasy feeling is totally gone.

I’m going to keep that song in my heart for a while.

Security

This year, I think God is really trying to teach me how to depend on Him and no one else.

I’ve always said I wanted to be someone strong. But I forget that strength comes not from me, but from Him.

Some days, things don’t feel right and I end up feeling empty, and like there’s something missing inside of me.

I feel a little of it now.

And I know it’s because I’m too dependent on all the wrong things.

How do you depend on God though?

It’s not like He’s a physical being that’s always by your side all the time.

As I was on the double decker bus back from school, I thought about that.

Maybe it’s a matter of putting yourself in the right perspective towards everything. A perspective where God is near your heart. With everything that happens, everything you do, everything you go through, to always know and remember that God is there. Somehow problems become smaller. Somehow some things you really want don’t seem that important anymore. And somehow you realise what’s most important in the end.

I’m going to try to do that. Whenever I feel that emptiness, to just remember God. Instead of turning to other things.

Because this emptiness is really not a nice feeling at all. Insecurity.

Security. That’s what’s missing.

Morning Wind

The wind is really cool.

It’s that feeling you get when it rushes past you, surrounds you, when it plays with your hair.

It’s like a moving spirit on it’s own.

That’s kinda how I came up with an idea for a story. But anyways.

This morning it was just a simple wind that made me feel that inspiration all over again. For just a short while, I remembered how It felt like, imagining myself in that story again. A rush of ideas coming all at one go but I can’t really make out any one.

So I just let them go and forgot.

Floating

I forget sometimes how hard friendships are to build. How much time is really needed to understand someone and trust them enough.

it’s only been a few months, but yet, I find myself wanting to treat them like friends I’ve known for years. But I can’t. I think I just really miss being with my old pals. I really really do.

It’s a different kind of comfort. 

I miss being able to spend every school day with them. I miss feeling what it’s like, not having to constantly try to be closer because we were already that close.

But I guess the process of getting closer is an adventure on its own.

It’s just not comfortable.

Scary, weird, dangerous. Fun. Risky.

But not comfortable.

Maybe that’s why every day feels different. Unexpected. You never really know what’s going to happen.

Do I feel lonely?

hmmm… Yes, and no.

Lonelier, maybe.Just slightly. From not having my usual good ol’ pals beside me. I feel secure with them. Knowing that every day, they accept me and will never leave me. That comes with years of building it up to that. I know. I can’t expect that kind of trust from people I only knew for a few months. And it’s not like i spend everyday having quality deep conversations about themselves and life in general, so that takes even longer.

How long did it take for me and Wei Qian to be that close? I can’t even remember. It feels like I’ve known her since forever. But I guess it’s the same for every friend that’s that close.

You’ll never forget them.

And you’ll never meet anyone like them.

Sometimes I just sit and try to remember what it was like, and it feels like a time so long ago. 

Everything is so different.

But I think it’s possible to not be a part of each other’s lives and yet still have a bond.

Even though you’d only get to see them once every six months. 

I think that kind of bond is very precious.

Immediately being able to reconnect even after years of having no life experiences in common.

You know, this very moment feels like a moment of empty time. Maybe it’s the music I’m listening to as well. As I think of the past, and it’s been some time since I went back to the past. 

If I close my eyes, I feel like I’m in an endless ocean again. My hair floating in waves. It’s a little dim, sunlight filtering through in rays from above. I’m resting in the midst of it all. And I let everything float past me, drifting slowly in the water. 

The music becomes an echo, surrounding me entirely. Filling up my head like how the water does. 

And I’m completely alone in my own memories.

Delta Spirit – Devil Knows You’re Dead

 

Comfort

I actually chanced upon a really great book during May, and it was something about what to say to others during difficult times and how to help other people. I like how it wasn’t a professional instructional thing, but it was more for people who just wanted to know how to be there for their friends. I didn’t read through the whole thing but I really want to find that book again.

Today was different. I like how every day feels different, actually, but today was different.

We got back our grades for an essay, and I really don’t know how to comfort someone when they know extremely well that I did pretty okay. Everything sort of doesn’t click because it’s really easy to interpret it as ungenuine.

It was kinda the same for O levels. I’ve come to realise that there’s nothing that I can say to help someone feel better. So I don’t.

I didn’t try to reason logically, “focus on what you can improve on instead”. Or say, “it’s okay there’s always a next time.” I read that you have to allow someone to feel sad and angry and disappointed to move on. I always made the mistake of forcing someone to not feel those things because I thought they were wrong and bad. I think that’s the biggest thing that made me feel even worse when people did that to me too. So I just sort of sat there. And provided physical comfort. But I dunno if that worked. I could have done more if it was a girl but. Yeah._.

People want to feel things, right? It’s like a road. You have to let that feeling come to pass you by instead of blocking it halfway through at a gantry.

I wish I knew more on how to approach certain situations.

Instead of only knowing how to send a load of cat pictures.

Flubber floppity flop

I don’t know why I’ve been so phlegmatic these past few weeks. Months. Two months.

But it’s gotten worse recently.

Even during soccer today, I didn’t get my usual ‘kick’ of enthusiasm (get it hahaha). I spent most of the break time just lying on the (fake, atas) grass, staring at the fluffy white clouds above, letting the wind rush over me.

And every once in a while, in school, in church, someone would ask me if I was okay, or if I was really tired.

And I’d tell them,

“It’s just my face okay!”

Because I really felt absolutely normal inside.

And in the mornings, I feel like I can’t start my day right unless I do something stupid and mindless in bed for an hour before I actually get up.

It’s either I go back to shutting my eyes and just lying there, stare at the ceiling, or play dots on my phone.

Usually the only thing that makes me get up is when I really have to pee. Or if I’m going to be late.

It’s not that I lack motivation or purpose in life, because all these things sound like that.

Every day is okay. It’s not bad, it’s not terrific, just great.

I think it’s just a change in personality that makes me feel weird. In secondary school I’m hardly this chill and relaxed. Like a slug. I always have to be doing something.

But now I just don’t mind sitting down and blanking out. Or listening to music and not thinking about anything much but music.

Maybe this comes with getting older.

I actually kinda like this change. It’s weird, looking back at a comparison between how I was and now, but it’s a nice change. I don’t feel so impulsive and active and I appreciate slowness.

Which is nice.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

*plops onto sofa and melts into flubber*

*gets up because…. essay*

Which is due next Sunday.

Answers

Today during worship,

There was this part when it was just the voices,

the whole church filled with voices singing songs of praise.

And at that moment I just decided to shut my brain up with all its negative thoughts and just let God speak to me.

“Why are you always thinking about how you think you don’t fit well into the role? I put you here for a reason, why not focus on finding that reason instead?”

“It’s not about what you think is best for you, and it’s not about what you think you need, it’s about what I think is best for you, and what I know you need.”

I just sat down and immediately shared that with Livia. 

It was really quite a drastic change.

Before I was all upset and feeling so out of place. And wrong. Just filled with so many negative emotions.

I think we both have the same feelings towards this. Feeling like God put us in the wrong places. 

I told her, “I just really feel that I’m not suited for this job, I can’t do it as well, and how pointless is it for me if I’m struggling every time I have to serve as a Service Manager and end up an emotional wreck every time?”

I hated being like that. bursting into emotional tears when I serve as a Service manager. I felt stupid, and foolish, and just wondering what in the world God was thinking when he gave me that position this year.

I still do feel like I really don’t have the typical qualities of a SM. But, I feel a lot more at peace now that I’m reminded that it wasn’t a mistake, and that I’m here for a reason.

OHHHHHHHHHHHH

NOW I KNOW WHY I KEEP CRYING!!!

I just always end up thinking how i’m a mistake, and how this whole role of me being a SM is a mistake and that I shouldn’t be here and it’s unfair how they made a mistake putting me here and all the struggles I’m facing because of that. A mistake. I just hated feeling like it was all just a mistake.

Mistake. YES THAT’S THE WORD. 

I keep asking myself why I end up crying all the time and I just never really knew the reason why.

I guess this is how God answers questions and things. 

WAAHHHHHHHHH.

This feels so cool. haha.

It’s NOT a mistake. This is where I’m meant to be. At this present moment of time. And there is a WHY to everything. I pray that I’ll always be reminded of that every time I serve.

 

Stay Alive

Sometimes I think I’ve really lost the wonder in every day.

I’m so busy that I don’t really have much time to just let my mind wonder about things.

I’m always thinking about tomorrow, and work, and problems that I don’t actually think anymore. I don’t know if that made sense.

What happens when we stop wondering though? When we’re just happy and satisfied with living life day by day, without ever stopping to ponder about things. Just focusing on the day and the next, tasks and checklists that never really end.

Are there people who stop thinking at all?

Writing really helps me let my brain take a walk. This pink, throbbing flesh like thingy strolling about in a mysterious forest. The kind in fairy tales. With talking trees and strange animals that live underground.

What happened to that part of me?

I need to stay alive.

And not lose myself in the rush of things.

Alarm bells

There are a lot of very interesting and diverse people in class. They would be perfect for some television sitcom.

I’m just really regular. And I like that. I don’t want to try to be interesting, which was a mistake I made when I was younger-ish.

I just want to be myself. And be comfortable with that. I think people appreciate genuine-ness (is that a word?).

Just be a genuine, nice human. Good human. *pat pat*

Today there were a lot of opportunities for me to take sides. Maybe it was on purpose. (Hmmmm…. Dear God, today was nicely done hahaha)

And that voice inside of me was going

NO RACHEL NO RACHEL NO RACHEL NO RACHEL NO RACHEL NO RACHEL

alarms bells in my consciousness ringing ding dong ding dong

Even though I was on the verge of tipping and letting myself say something, that stopped me. And I’m thankful for that.

Although it’s not always a good idea to listen to voices in your head if you’re schizophrenic.

Anyways, yup. I hope tomorrow I’ll do the same. And well, actually, I hope I always listen to that voice for the rest of my life.