I really wonder if I’ve changed much over these few months since school started.
Small little things here and there. I think.
Honestly, I don’t know if these changes are good or bad. I guess they’re neither, it’s just something different.
Can you control the things you change in? I think I have some sort of say in who I become.
Maybe I’m starting to find myself all over again.
I feel like I’ve dulled down a lot over the past few months from being so emo all the time. Like a blunt piece of wood from all that scraping and shaving. A blockhead. I re-read some of my older posts and wow was I extremely emotional. And weird. But being weird comes with being emotional.
I would compare myself to those artists who paint with squiggly, rushed strokes of red and black and sell off their work with hipster titles. With words like discombobulate.
I kind of forgot who I was before. Well, maybe I was so down in the dumps that I couldn’t even see anything. I forgot what it was like to find humor in a lot of things, to just spend the day not mulling over sad things.
Especially during the holidays. While all my friends were moving on with life in their new schools, and I forgot what it was like, that feeling of being with familiar people everyday, being with people I can be totally myself with. Of course it’s not really the same now as it was in secondary school. I can’t suddenly just link arms or hug them or lie on them or TOUCH THEM IN ANY WAY. Not that Wei Qian and Jia Shin and Gwenice really liked all those things they kind of just shoved me off._.
And Ivy is not really a physical touch person but she’s okay with it, but I’m not pushing it hahaha.
Sometimes I catch myself about to do something because I forget that my friends are of the masculine gender. Which says quite a lot about them. The fact that I actually forget sometimes.
OH RIGHTTTTT. GUY. NO.
I think I’m a very physical touch person. I have to touch people ._. I actually feel the urge to touch people sometimes._.okay Stahp enough.
In my defense, it’s shown somewhere that humans will go crazy without a certain amount of physical touch from another human. So I’m not weird.
Where was I? Oh right Change and things.
I told Jairia this, and she said it’s a good kind of change. As in, not being so emo all the time.
I think I’ve become a little weirder. Because my friends always keep giving me weird looks. Every single day. With no fail. There’d be some comment on something I do or say (Or sing). Insults mainly. Joking kinds. I think. Nah I’m just kidding every joke is an insult so.
I have to remind myself to not go overboard though. I think that’s a possible danger. To still reassure them from time to time that I do think they are really great people. In this case I think insults sort of show our affection, through informalities. (except for Ivy I don’t need to do that to be close to her we just talk like normal human beings)
So I do give compliments from time to time. But not too much I think I’d creep everyone out.
This is really all quite new to me.
I’ve never really been with a group of friends who (Well Okay just one of them) says the f word quite often. And sometimes there’d be this crude-ish joke that I half don’t get and they’d explain it to me but I would cover my ears and run away if I knew it was going in a really sick direction.
And for the first time I am hanging out with ‘masculine’ people (Who make absolutely fantastic bimbo accents all the time), so it’s a little different and I have to watch my guard and I can’t say things like: WAAAAH Cramps super pain!! SOOO MUCH STRAWBERRY JAM!!! Or talk openly about, well, other womanly stuff.
HAHAH. I’m a woman.
It sounds kind of weird. I wouldn’t consider myself a woman. I think I’m still a girl.
I don’t know if I sound extra chirpy today but It might be that horrible cup of coffee I drank this morning. I had this anxious feeling inside of me all day for no apparent reason, and my breathing was weird and my heart felt weird. There was this sharp pain in my heart area that lasted for a while during class today. I’m never taking drugs like that again.
Okay I should probably stop here for today because I really wanted to sit down and do some serious reflecting, but this is going nowhere and I’m just ranting on and on and getting off topic.
So I shall do it some other day when I’m a little deeper.