I realised something about myself.
When I feel threatened or unsafe, I’d go into this all out defense mode, and I’d adopt a different personality.
I’d be extremely inexpressive. Emotionless. And I’ll listen to rock music. Haha. And it didn’t help that I was chewing on gum. You know, like how those gangsters and delinquents chew on gum just before they’re about to best up someone.
I think maybe I’m trying to come off as strong. Less vulnerable. I’d be sort of dead and serious.
I find that scary. As in the kind of characteristics I take on. Scary characteristics that make you less human.
I completely distance myself on
an emotional level.
I sort of did that today. A little. I still talked, just that, I couldn’t bring myself to be myself.
I really don’t like it when someone chooses to be friends selectively.
I’m absolutely fine if I’m not chosen, what I’m not fine with is if you take away the friends that someone else has and leave them alone with nothing.
I think I’m in her boundaries. Someone useful to be on good terms with, so I don’t get it as much. But it’s another thing for ivy. And Ivy does try to be friends, but she gets completely rejected. Ignored. She gets disapproving glances and I can feel the coldness just blasting right at her. I hate that.
I’m just really angry. I need to cool down and make sure I don’t say anything stupid to anyone. Be Switzerland. Don’t choose sides unless I absolutely have to. Peace, Rachel, peaaaaaaaceeeee.
I told Ivy I’m really glad she’s in my class.
And she told me she’s afraid that one day everyone will shun her for something she did wrong but she believed that I would never do that.
And I’m really happy she trusts me.
And if I had to choose to be on the side of everyone or just her, I’d definitely know what I’d do.