There are times when I remember something so vividly that the present just slips quietly away into a corner of my mind.

It’s quite a magical feeling.

You lose sense of time. Everything.

And the memory often jumps into another, and another. But some days you have to search really hard for them. I don’t know why it’s easier some days than others.

When you get back to reality you feel a little different. Especially if you went to a past really long ago. It rubs off you. Maybe it’s because of how different you were in that past.

And you’d lie down on your bed and sigh, thinking about how far you’ve come and how much has passed, and where you’d be going next.

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That Kid.

Everyone kinda pities me because I’m paired up with the ‘problem’ kid.

That kid. The one that climbs all over the chairs and won’t ever sit still. The kid that won’t listen or answer your questions properly. The one you’d have to carry back to the chair. 

Sometimes I really wonder what’s on his mind. Why he does the things he does. I wish I could understand. 

I really hope that I’ll be able to help him somehow. Even if it’s just a little.

 

 

Prayer

Just started on a book Bro John lent me. It’s called ‘Too busy not to pray’ with the NOT highlighted. 

I’m not really the best when it comes to prayer. Well, okay no one’s the best in prayer, but I’m not very good at it. The book starts off saying that prayer is unnatural. 

I haven’t been praying much of lately. You know, sometimes you just feel that since God knows everything, it’s not that much of a big deal to tell Him about your day or how you feel and your little everyday problems. And it gets worse when the day feels like a race for time.

Now that holidays have started, I’ve all the time in the world! But…somehow it’s still a struggle. To find time to just be still in His presence.

This morning instead of slacking around on the internet, I decided to read the book a little.

After the first chapter, I flopped onto my couch, grabbed a pillow and closed my eyes. 

And I told God about how i’ve been feeling the entire month.

My worries. My doubts. My insecurities. My disappointments. My hopes. 

 

The book reminded me of how much God wants to hear me. How much happiness it would bring Him if I made the effort to talk to Him. Of course I want to make God happy! I forgot that these little things bring Him great joy. The effort. Obedience. Wanting Him to be a part of your life. That makes Him twirl a ballerina spin in Heaven. (Metaphorically I guess, I think God has better ways of showing His joy ahaha).

Why is it so easy to forget a love so great? Because we take it for granted? Because it’s always there, and we forget about the difference that it makes?

He reminded me of how much He has given me. How I’m looking in all the wrong places for all the wrong things. How important thankfulness is. When you’re thankful, a lot of things don’t matter anymore, and emptiness becomes fullness when you remember Him. 

The best part about prayer isn’t getting what you prayed about, or feeling good because you managed to do yet another spiritual discipline. It’s getting closer to God and letting Him draw closer to you.

I think when I keep that point in mind, I realise how important and how much it means to take some time to just talk.

 

 

Some nights

 

There are different kinds of nights.

Some nights feel peaceful.

Some nights feel painful.

Even though it’s filled with the same kind of music.

 

It’s raining again and I’m left in a cardboard box by the road side. 

And I still have no idea where I am.

What I’m supposed to do.

Where I’m supposed to go.

Did I really think that I’d end up dry, and warm?

Of course my eyes are soaked with rain

Have you an umbrella to spare?

 

Everyone just goes their own way

 

I guess it’s what I deserve huh.

 

You wanted to be alone didn’t you?

Well you have it now.

 

I’ve been on a roll with poems lately huh.

 

Music is kinda like a friend
What am I doing here
Swallow up the conversations
Fill up the shallowness
A shadow that follows but it becomes my light
I sit further away
To fade into my own adventures

It overcomes like the waves on the sand
Crashing into reality, breaking everything that’s supposed to be
I pick up the shells left behind
Put them in my pocket for another day

Thinking about sad things is okay

I always feel privileged when someone decides to trust me.

Even though I felt really burdened with the need to rush back home to study on saturday, I knew it was right to make time to listen and just be there for someone.

I was a little surprised that she would want to eat with me alone without the rest of the cell, I just felt really honoured. The fact that she chose to trust me.

You know, when someone pours their heart and burdens and tears and everything to you, it’s just something really amazing. That they’d trust you with so much of a part of them. That they’d risk being vulnerable. 

Trusting someone is learning how to be vulnerable huh? Not trying to be perfect all the time and unbreakable. 

When was the last time I was like that?

It feels like a long time. Well, except for those times I where I was a wreck in front of Sis Livia and Sis Jolene. But even during those times I struggled really hard to keep my composure and I didn’t want to completely let loose (But failed horribly). When was the last time that I actually wanted to get everything out and not suppress things at all?

It’s embarrassing to be a complete wreck in front of someone. Why though? Pride, maybe.

I guess the only person I can really become a complete mess is alone in front of God. I just crumble and die sometimes. Usually all the feelings and emotions and pain and stuff just comes flowing out immediately after I close the door of my room, turn off the lights, and cry out to Him in my heart. Covering my face with a pillow, burying my head into it, screaming out the kind of scream that has no sound.

Man, I remember those days. It’s been a long time since I thought about them.

Things are pretty okay now, every day sort of just passes, a few laughs here and there, nothing really bothers me much (Besides exams but exams don’t count) 

But I realised how I don’t think I’m really completely healed from those times.

A few days ago, just talking about it, recounting things, telling someone made me well up with that emotion again and I sort of teared up before I knew it. I thought I’d never feel that sharp piercing pain, like garlic or wasabi (Just in the heart) again. 

And now that I think about it a little more, it’s kinda hard to imagine that that part of my life existed. A small little chapter. That those things ever happened in my family. It’s as if they never happened at all.

I always thought that it’s a bad thing to look back at these experiences. To dwell on them. But now, I feel like they remind me of who I am. Why I feel so strongly towards certain things. 

I actually don’t like being happy and cheery all the time. I want to be sad some times too. It’s weird. I don’t know why. I feel like I’ve reached my maximum quota of cheeriness. So now I feel like thinking about sad things. Maybe I just want to feel more like a real, living person with problems. Not that I don’t have problems now, I guess I just find them really small and insignificant.

I think I also don’t want to stop thinking sometimes. I hardly think about things much when everything’s going pretty okay. I realised. 

Not that I want bad things to happen to me all the time. I just don’t want to be carried away with the happiness and satisfaction with each day that I start chasing after it again when things go back to a downhill (Which will come eventually sometime). 

Life feels real when there’s a downside to it. and when you learn from it.

I just want to feel like I’m really living.

Violinist

Was walking around and saw a violinist playing really well. So I stopped and watched him for a while.

The violin can either sound like a whiny, slaughtered chicken or this rich, magical flowing of music.

I tried learning how to play the one my aunt gave me, and I think I sounded more like a chicken.

That’s why I really admire violinists. They’re just so cool!! Especially when they play with that vibrato thing. It just sounds so amazing I can’t really describe it.

I have him some tips for encouragement (because pursuing music in Singapore is just really hard) and he looked up at me and I gave him two thumbs up and he smiled and bowed.

I hope that made his day.

Emptiness in the Making

Had one of those late night conversations. And suddenly felt like writing a poem!

 

Falling but not knowing

Where we’re really going

It’s just a sad state

 

Singing but not showing

What we’re really feeling

It’s just a sad song

 

Loving but not giving

Kindess with any meaning

It’s not love at all

 

Laughing but not seeing

pain in someone else’s crying

It’s not happiness you feel

 

 

Alone time 2

I tried to be a bit more comfortable with them today. But when they went on to study at the library I kinda just declined politely. And as we were walking, I just sort of slipped in front a little so I could be alone. I don’t know. I just really didn’t feel like talking.

It felt both depressing and refreshing saying goodbye and being alone again.

It’s a weird feeling, you know? First I felt all alone and sad. But then I put on my music and that warm golden evening sun was shining on my face. And I felt very peaceful.

I want to try to describe this peaceful tranquility. It’s really weird. I feel it now as I’m lying in bed with my music and typing.

The house is empty. You can hear the wind outside the window. You can feel it. And it’s sort of getting dimmer as the sun sets.

And the music feels you up, your head, your heart, everything. It kind of echoes.

A simple voice, she sounds like she’s whispering right next to you. The guitar is a little further away. And the piano is even further. But somehow at the same time they’re all in your head.

It’s this feeling. Noticing everything. The quietness. The way the sunlight reflects a little off everything. The stillness of everything in the room. How my eyelids are slowly drooping. The way my eyelashes drag light along with it as I blink slowly. How the light and shadows change on the ceiling.The curtains fluttering slightly just at the ends. The way the sounds flow through my head. The things I’m reminded of because of that. There aren’t really any words to describe this kind of feeling.

It’s only something you can feel when you’re alone I guess.

Anti-social butterfly

I’ve made the decision to try to get out of my comfort zone from time to time. 

Socialise a little more. 

I find myself getting quieter and quieter as the days go by in class. 

And some days I end up sitting alone and listening to music on my laptop before class. While everyone else is chatting really loudly and I turn up my music to try to overcome their laughter. Which sounds sad.

I guess that’s because Samuel’s pretty high-in-demand in his other huge clique. And Ivy kind of does her own thing sometimes. Playing Dota and stuff, which I’ve given up trying to watch haha.

He’s trying to get me to talk to them though, but somehow I just feel really uncomfortable around them. I don’t know. I get that he doesn’t want me to end up being left out in a place like poly, because social connections are really important (I quote this from him). I’m trying to figure out exactly how important it is. So far, I can see it’s pretty important to survive actually.

I really feel uncomfortable in that kind of big group. With everyone loud and laughing all the time. And everyone has to be perfect. 

He says it’s better for him in big groups because then people won’t notice when he has his  ‘moments’. Like when he gets quiet-ish and less loud and hyper because they’d be too busy talking amongst themselves. People don’t notice the bad sides of you as well when you’re in a big group I guess. Not that I think being quiet and less loud and hyper is bad, but he thinks it’s bad. Which is stupid but anyways.

But I want my friends to notice my ‘moments’. Like Ivy and her moments. When she suddenly becomes really depressed or angry. That’s how true friends are right? They’re still by your side even when you’re really difficult to be with. 

I think I’m being so anti-social because I’ve always had the mentality that I should only be around people who are real friends. Which is wrong. I mean, you can’t be real friends with everyone. But you still have to be on good talking-terms with everyone if you want to survive in poly. I think.

And Samuel got pretty angry at my anti-socialness and lack of trying to get to know people better. But I said sorry instead of arguing back so it didn’t actually turn into an actual fight. Which would have sucked.

Honestly this whole thing has been bugging me for weeks. Being uncomfortable with certain people isn’t exactly a nice feeling to have. So I figured I’d try and not be anti-social and get rid of that uncomfortableness by interacting with them more.

yuup.