Anti-social butterfly

I’ve made the decision to try to get out of my comfort zone from time to time. 

Socialise a little more. 

I find myself getting quieter and quieter as the days go by in class. 

And some days I end up sitting alone and listening to music on my laptop before class. While everyone else is chatting really loudly and I turn up my music to try to overcome their laughter. Which sounds sad.

I guess that’s because Samuel’s pretty high-in-demand in his other huge clique. And Ivy kind of does her own thing sometimes. Playing Dota and stuff, which I’ve given up trying to watch haha.

He’s trying to get me to talk to them though, but somehow I just feel really uncomfortable around them. I don’t know. I get that he doesn’t want me to end up being left out in a place like poly, because social connections are really important (I quote this from him). I’m trying to figure out exactly how important it is. So far, I can see it’s pretty important to survive actually.

I really feel uncomfortable in that kind of big group. With everyone loud and laughing all the time. And everyone has to be perfect. 

He says it’s better for him in big groups because then people won’t notice when he has his  ‘moments’. Like when he gets quiet-ish and less loud and hyper because they’d be too busy talking amongst themselves. People don’t notice the bad sides of you as well when you’re in a big group I guess. Not that I think being quiet and less loud and hyper is bad, but he thinks it’s bad. Which is stupid but anyways.

But I want my friends to notice my ‘moments’. Like Ivy and her moments. When she suddenly becomes really depressed or angry. That’s how true friends are right? They’re still by your side even when you’re really difficult to be with. 

I think I’m being so anti-social because I’ve always had the mentality that I should only be around people who are real friends. Which is wrong. I mean, you can’t be real friends with everyone. But you still have to be on good talking-terms with everyone if you want to survive in poly. I think.

And Samuel got pretty angry at my anti-socialness and lack of trying to get to know people better. But I said sorry instead of arguing back so it didn’t actually turn into an actual fight. Which would have sucked.

Honestly this whole thing has been bugging me for weeks. Being uncomfortable with certain people isn’t exactly a nice feeling to have. So I figured I’d try and not be anti-social and get rid of that uncomfortableness by interacting with them more.

yuup.

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