Maybe they’re not too lost yet

Is it possible to lose a part of ourselves forever?

Hmmmm. What does it mean, to lose parts of ourselves?

When you’re no longer able to do certain things or if you don’t feel the same way about things anymore. A hobby, or memories.

I guess it depends on what we consider as ‘ourselves’.

I feel like, maybe, I’ve lost that part of me that used to think loads and loads all the time with little effort at all. Especially when I’m travelling. On the bus, or on the train. I used to have my head filled up with loads of thoughts non-stop. Now, I can last a whole trip to school without ever thinking about much.

Really, I hardly ever think much about things now, not unless I force myself to. Like now. Writing helps me a lot. I would have never thought about some things if I hadn’t decided to just sit in front of the keyboard and stare into space and think for a while.

I don’t know. A part of me feels a little sad. But I guess there’s a certain peace inside of me when there’s quietness in my head.

I’m sad because my thoughts make me who I am, and not having them as often makes me feel like I’ve lost a bit of myself. I’m really thankful that I kept most of my thoughts here. Who knows what would have happened to them, lost out there somewhere in the world of where things are thrown.

That place must be a sad, sad place.

Quiet, and still. Not the kind of quiet that you’d get in the countryside, but the dead kind of quiet. It would be dark, and every step you take in that place will return you empty echoes of a far away place. It would be filled with rusty things, the air, stale and mouldy. Everything thrown here piles up in mountains and hills.

Every once in a while, it rains, not water but thoughts. Torn pages of a book filled with hasty scribbles and rough sketches flutter down like crumpled autumn leaves. A disfigured tune that doesn’t quite sound complete. Sometimes, you’d even see the shadow of a limp person falling like a rag doll, forgotten.

You come down here sometimes to scavenge for what you can. Sometimes you’d be able to find what you came here seeking after. Sometimes not. Dark creatures roam these lands, and they’re probably the reason why things are lost forever. They hunt for the things ripe and old. Almost shadow-like, with eyes that glow red in the dark, they prowl the lands without a sound. They too are forgotten creatures, no one even remembers their shape or have the faintest idea what they look like except for their eyes. They swallow up what they please and the things they eat become a part of the shadow itself, lost forever in the darkness.

haha. Suddenly just had an idea for a story that I may never write and that might end up in such a place.

Wei Qian told me, “I wish I can get into your head and see what it’s like.” when I was describing to her everything about the story I had in my head. I can still picture it in my head. But It’s really hard for me to think up of something new now. I wish I could get back into my past head too. I can’t concentrate as well. I can’t lose myself in my head anymore as I did in the past. I’d just stare into a spot and not be there for a while. Or bury my nose in my notebook and scribble furiously away. (I must not lose those notebooks if I can) See why I feel like i’ve lost a part of myself? Technically, the whole lot of this story is a part of me. That’s why it meant so much to me back then, and it’s hard to explain to people why this make-believe world could mean anything at all.

The port of Archway, shaped like a crescent moon resting on a huge cloud like an embedded gem. The ships sailing in the sky with segmented iron wings. Hauyne in his dirty white coat billowing in the wind. The cosy little home in which he lived in with his mother, Maya, jutting out into the sky. Hawk meat soup and pinned notes on the walls with every request he’d ever had. The dust sprites puffing away in little balls of spider-web-like threads. The small window overlooking the bank with numerous ships dotting the sky like a flock of birds. The single lone chair at the window waiting for his father’s return from a hunting job which never came.The clouds rolling in like waves onto the port’s bank.

And Ekan’s story, which came from a nightmare I had. A thief, son of the leader of the greatest clan of thieves Sky has ever been terrorised by (Haven’t thought of a name for them yet). The moonlit market, and its cursed residents forever doomed to rely on a horrible black liquid that keeps them awake for as long as they live (it tastes like chicken essence). A thirst for revenge after the murder of his sister Kira in her sleep. As the knife pierced through her heart, her face cracked like porcelain and a single tear rolled down her cheek (This was the nightmare). And somehow he and Hauyne end up on the biggest hunting job of their entire lives.

The Parhelian army, and Silus and Milliana. (There’s quite a lot I need to change about the darker forces. So I’m scraping a lot of ideas:(  )

There’s a lot more that’s out there but they feel quite faint. Somewhere in the distance. I think i might be able to remember them if I continue writing on about what I remember but I think I need to sleep soon.

Soon, as in now.

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Thoughts on a Saturday

Whenever I think of the new school semester coming up, I just can’t help but feel a little apprehensive. Well, really, the only thing that’s troubling me is the fact that we have to group ourselves again. Thing is, this time, everyone kinda knows who they want to be with and who they would absolutely refuse to.

I have my own list too.

That perfect team. A lot of my classmates are already going on their recruitment drives.

I’m scared as hell.

I don’t want to end up with people whom I’m rubbish at working with. I don’t want to subject myself to struggling through a semester with conflicts and stress.

And I keep worrying about it. I know, it’s stupid. Worrying over the littlest of things.

Today during the sermon, I was reminded of something.

So what if I end up with difficult project mates? So what if it makes life a lot less fun and a lot more difficult? So what if I don’t end up with my ideal kind of future? Isn’t that kind of the point? Life isn’t meant to be like that.

If everything were so easy and fun and awesome what would be the point of it all?

It’s okay for things to be difficult.

Oh but it’s not easy to get rid of that anxiety. It’s still there if I dwell on the thought long enough.

But then I’m reminded that God will put me in wherever I’m meant to be. And it’s supposed to be that way.

I feel like He’s been putting me through a lot of uncertainty this year. I’ve never really had much peace in me. Or security.

I guess situations like these are really just Him helping me to find my security in Him. And to find my faith in Him all over again.

I was telling Bro John today of how I felt lonely in school. Well, I’m not alone, but … I’ve just never felt as lonely in all of my school life.

Friends can be close but not exactly people you can trust completely and rely on. Honestly, I think we really have to come up with a hierarchy of what it means to be a friend. Because there’s a whole range of them. Maybe in another post.

Well anyways, yup. I can’t say I have great friends in Poly. I don’t know why I even care so much about having close close close friends in school. As a christian, the kind of friend I’d look for for support would be one that’d point me towards God, and well that’s not going to happen with any of my school friends.

I told Jairia about how she really was the only friend I had who could be like that. Maybe I don’t really need another.

Well actually, thinking about it a little more, Wei Qian and Jia Shin aren’t exactly that either. But I never felt lonely in all of my secondary school days with them. I guess it’s because I knew it was just us three and us three always. We’d never leave each other and they were always there, everyday. I didn’t have to worry about anything.

I keep writing about this whole issue with friends, I realise. I guess it’s just been on my mind a lot. And how much I miss a lot of people:(

Privilege

It really is a privilege to be able to listen to someone talk about their problems and what they’re thinking and what’s troubling them.

No matter how small that window inside them is.

On this cold, rainy, night, I feel really grateful for that unexpected opportunity.

Friends are so important. Best friends. I got to witness that kind of friendship today. It’s a little bit of an insight.

It’s just very heartwarming!

For some reason my sentences now are really short.

I remember I said something along the lines of how the people you meet are always unexpected in a post a long time ago.

You’d never expect that you’d get to know certain people in a certain way. Does that make sense? It’s like, how if I were in primary six, I’d never expect to get to be so close to Wei Qian, who was a classmate I hardly talked to. Even though I’ve been in the same cell as Darren for I don’t know how long but very long, who would have thought that … HAHA yeah, things and that. And before I started working in Singapore Discovery Centre, I’d never expect to meet friends that I’d actually be close with.

That kind of thing! It’s just really crazy.

I think time spent on connecting with people is really time well spent. And by connecting I don’t just mean chit chat on the surface with just all the happy things and the laughter, but also everything underneath.

I think that’s what I feel is really missing from my friendships in Poly. There isn’t much of the underneath part with most people (Except for Ivy and Samuel but Samuel doesn’t really like the underneath part)

Maybe it takes time. I don’t know. A lot of time has passed already. Or maybe I just didn’t put in enough effort like what Samuel said. But I don’t know, sometimes, effort on my part just isn’t enough.

Yeah, I guess you can’t really be close with everyone. Maybe I’m being a little too greedy, and I’m expecting too much.

Maybe that’s why I’ve been feeling what I’ve been feeling most of last semester.

Disappointment.

And how hard it is to get the trust of someone. And also how hard it is to trust them to in return. It’s harder to trust someone who doesn’t trust you back, see.

Anyways, yeah, I guess it does take time. And effort.

Maybe someday. Just someday.

Do you trust me?

Honestly, I don’t know if I can say I trust you completely. There’s still that lingering doubt.

I don’t know. I used to be able to trust people really easily. You know, sometimes you just want to believe that everyone you meet is a good person inside. I mean, who’d want to harm anyone? Why would anyone want to do bad things to people?

Then again, people say that it’s stupid. It’s stupid to think like that. It’s being naive. Foolish.

How scary is it to be in a place where you can’t trust anyone? I’ve never been there before. But slowly, it’s starting to feel like that. I’m starting to feel like that.

As long as there is someone, anyone, just one person that I can, I think I’m okay with that.

But I want to trust you. Even if some part of me doesn’t quite do that. It’s kinda like that head and heart thing again. Your heart tells you to do something but your head tells you otherwise.

And again you don’t really know who you should be listening to.

It’s a dangerous affair. Trust is a risk. Putting something so precious in the wrong hands could crush you, kill you, tear you up from the inside, and you’ll never be the same again.

I don’t want to end up like that.

A person who doesn’t trust anyone anymore. I’ve met people like that. It’s scary.

And sad.

Spark

Seeing all these books as I walk past shelf after shelf of stories really got me inspired again to write one. It’s been a while.

But I always get a little spark, no matter how tiny it may be whenever I see lots and lots of books

Fears

Had an idea for a drawing but I think I’ll write about it first before I draw anything.

My fears?

Haven’t really thought about them in a while. The list needs a little updating actually.

I’m not that much afraid of the things I used to be afraid of. Well the physical things. I’m not really afraid of a lot of physical things actually.

It’s the stuff on the inside that’s the real deal.

I’m scared of being nothing. Thrown away. Forgotten. Who isn’t actually. Especially by the people who mean the most to you.

I think this sort of thing can be really haunting if it becomes a suspicion.

I guess that’s why it’s important to not rely on people for security. People change. And you never know.

I’m scared of losing things. Friends. love. Something that I used to hold. Something that I used to be. Well who isn’t afraid of losing something precious to them actually.

I’m really afraid of the unknown. Not knowing what’s gonna happen. I guess it’s because I’m forced to make my own assumptions on things and my assumptions are usually pretty negative. And negative assumptions about things are horrible.

But I think these three are the ones that most of humanity shares that I’m most afraid of.

Maybe your fears tell you what you feel are most important to you,

Finding Gold

I get extremely excited when I find a whole album that’s just pure gold, I was jumping into my parent’s room letting them hear some of the songs and my mom said, “Why, indie again ah.”

I really really really can’t wait to listen to this on the train, sway a little to it and hope no one notices me. Or dance in my room and lip snyc to it rocker style while everyone’s asleep. It feels so amazing!!!!!!!!!! Music is cool. Magical. 

There are some bands and singers that I just hit the purchase button without even listening to the whole album. I just know it’s going to be good, and my gut feelings have not proven me wrong a single time. NOT ONCE:D And I just feel so happy when I find them.

It’s the little things like these that make me happy. 

Not that happiness was meant to be big anyway!

 

 

Dream Log #16

I really should have written it down in the morning because now I’ve forgotten almost 68%-ish percent of it.

I guess I’ll write key words so that when I read back I’d probably recall a faint memory of it.

Canyon beside the sea. fell from rocky cliff. Enemy soldiers chasing. Got shot. Escaped into castle of enemy. Old korean style castle. sneaking into different rooms. With another girl. Dressed up as one of the castle maidens while the other girl stole a soldiers uniform. the korean kind. I wore that Han bok thing and the other girl had that armour the Mulan guy wore. and the other girl’s hair was tied into a bun. Then we split ways. I had to try to blend in with the other maidens. I remembered thinking I looked nice in the korean dress hahaha. We had to pick out an instrument to practice on. Instruments like the erhu, or the qi pa. there was this ukelele in a corner which no one knew how to play and I picked that and they were all impressed by my playing. I think I woke up then.

On extraversion and philosophy on psychology

It’s been some time since I took the time to think about what to write.

I don’t really have much to write about these days. Usually something triggers me and I feel like writing about it. But I haven’t really been compelled to write anything much. 

I actually wanted to start on my story again. It gives me something to exercise my brain with I guess! But I might become a little more anti-social than I already am.

Oh yeah, I can write about my new discoveries in my anti-socialness. I think I wrote something about that before.

I’ve been quite confused about what kind of person I am now. I always thought I was an extrovert. It’s true! I can’t live without people. I need to interact, otherwise I’d just feel empty and tired and lonely. But this year, I’ve slowly turned into quite the anti-social. And I wondered why. I find myself withdrawing completely when I’m with a big group of people who talk non-stop, about things that kinda just slip through my mind. So I don’t really follow their conversations and I just float off. 

I think I’ve written enough about how I feel and what I don’t like. So i’ll stop here.

Anyway, in pursuit for the truth I went online to take some tests that seemed legit, about extraversion. And I found out that there’re two different sides to a person, the public and the private. I’m a public introvert but a private extrovert. Which makes a whole lot of sense so I’m not as confused anymore. (I don’t know why I like to label myself as anything but I guess it gives me a sense of explanation for my behaviour and that’s always nice to know.)

I’m incredibly chatty and stupid with people like Jairia and Ivy, but I become this emotionless, hoodie kid when I’m with people a little further out on my social circle radius.

I don’t really know where i’m going with knowing all these. It feels kinda pointless doesn’t it? What’s the use of knowing what you are when it doesn’t change you at all? I’m just going to remain as I am. Well, I guess at least now I know that there’s nothing wrong about my behaviour and it’s totally acceptable. I don’t have to grind myself on being more sociable because it’s really just a matter of who. I’m just not the kind of person who fits in well with large groups of hyper people. And that’s all.

It’s kinda funny how we classify ourselves as certain types of people with different social expectations so that we don’t feel weird or abnormal. “Oh so you’re an introvert? Ah that explains why you’re always so quiet. Now I understand.” And it’s totally fine that you sit out of conversations because people get that you’re an ‘introvert’ and it’s fine. 

Funny.

That’s the thing about psychology. People ask me all the time about what I learn and if I can do cool magic things like read people’s minds or predict what they’re gonna do next or explain why they do certain things.

Well actually, a lot of psychology is just a matter of classifying different behaviours into names that humans made up for them. You learn what this is called, and what that’s all about. It seeks to make the complexities of the human mind and behaviour less of a mystery and a little more sorted – it’s all a matter of sorting things out. Naming things you don’t know about and identifying them makes it less scary I guess!  When a person displays such and such behaviour he is psychotic. When a person does this for more than six months he has depression. When a person doesn’t quite seem to be able to connect reality with perception and his emotions, he’s got schizophrenia. 

I don’t think psychologists would agree with me though. Kinda makes their science less of a science and more of something else. Just ideas about the human mind put together by people. That’s what psychology is really. Besides the stats and the documentations and experiments.

Wow have I derailed completely from where I was. 

You’d have to be God to fully explain the minds of the people he made. I guess that’s why I’m not really into psychological research and experiments. I do acknowledge that they help people in some ways, but only when it’s exploring on how to help people with problems and how to make their lives a little better. But there’s really no point in an impossible pursuit of explaining everything about the mind and if it doesn’t help anyone. 

But that’s just my opinion. I’m sure R&D psychologists all over the world would probably take a piss at me for what I’m writing. hahaha. Is’ piss’ vulgar? Like how ‘shit’ is sort of vulgar. I added in the quotation marks so it doesn’t look so bad. 

There was someone from our psychology course who posted on twitter about how he/she hated helping people and couldn’t understand why our school was making us go for all these community services projects. “can’t they just get that some of us don’t want to help people?” Or something like that.

wow. I was so pissed. (Again I’m assuming piss isn’t vulgar, I’ll go look it up on google.)

 WHAT’S THE POINT OF STUDYING ABOUT PEOPLE IF YOU DON’T INTEND TO HELP THEM WITH YOUR KNOWLEDGE?!! You know??? That’s just my philosophy on the whole point of psychology.

It was an anonymous post so no one knew who it was. But if I knew and if I had the courage to I’d probably scream that out into the pits of his/her ear drum. 

Yup. 

Oh I had a really interesting dream this morning. I think I’ll write it in a dream log.