Making Things

It’s really so so so cool how music can make you feel and imagine something.

light notes could sound like the sea, or the stars, or moonlight.

Minor scales sound eerie.

or sad.

I wish I knew more about music to compose exactly what I wanted.

I like making things. Creating things. Art and music. poems. Stories. It’s fun, and it feels awesome to call something of your own. Although my Art teacher used to tell us that nothing we create is really an original creation, and everything is borrowed from the other art pieces we see. We just pick out and mix what we like and think works and we make it our own. We always get inspiration from something.

I think it’s been a while since I wrote about beautiful happy things. I was always just so focused on the sad parts. And beautiful sad things. Sad music can be beautiful, just like sad feelings.

Well actually listening to Olafur Arnalds’ music is making me feel pretty emo and sad now.

And with a title like ‘And they have escaped the weight of darkness’

I love that. I love how such a complicated idea like that can translate into sound waves.

It’s really amazing.

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I need to stop!!!

Stop relying on other people Rachel. Just stop.

And security. And feeling wanted and loved.

I actually wrote this post three times and deleted all of them because I realised that this was just the main underlying issue beneath everything.

And I need to start reading my textbook and not spend an hour writing and deleting and writing and deleting.

Dear God, please help me.

Help me to only lean on you.

No one else

Nothing else

Just you.

I’ve gone on for too long wandering and waiting and hoping for the wrong things.

I want to truly surrender it all. My hopes and my dreams. Help me to let them go.

It’s not about me anymore.

It still hurts.

But it’s okay.

It’s my fault.

I just need to let go. And to accept anything that you have in store for me knowing that it is good.

Let me take comfort in you.

Let me take joy in you.

And not be Emo about this. I’m not gonna make the same mistake anymore. I’m going to be joyful about this. Not depressed. That’s what I did wrong. OKAY JOY.

And not spend my time wanting to be alone and depressed. Use my time wisely. OKAY.

RACHEL.

OKAY.

I need to stop hoping and expecting for the future I want.

Take what comes and take what goes.

I feel like I’m on a road heading to a horrible dark hole.

And if I don’t get off I’ll probably never come out.

But I’m going so fast it’s so hard to brake.

I don’t know.

Tunnel

All I can do now
Is watch myself tear me down again
All I can say
“I told you so”
I knew what was wrong
Why did I not listen?

There isn’t such a thing
You only made up a lie

And here comes everything else
That was locked away
Driving backwards in a tunnel that doesn’t let you breathe

Conflicted

There’s still this uneasiness inside of me.

I guess it happens when the people you’re close to are everywhere and you can’t be everywhere. And if you choose to be with one you can’t be with the others.

It’s really quite funny. All the people I’m close to don’t really like each other. It’s an awkward position. And so I feel even more alone. Even though I’m not. But I am. You know? I don’t know.

The feeling really sucks. I find myself sighing all the time.

And I spent most of the day in my hoodie with my music. Again. But it’s because I chose to stick with a group I wasn’t very comfortable with. A big group. It wasn’t a very nice first day of school.

What can I be thankful for today though?

I’ll be honest, it’s taking me quite a while to think of something.

That I’ll never really be truly alone. I don’t need love from this world to live. I’m precious in God’s eyes, and he sees the value in me even though no one else does. Remembering this makes me tear up a bit because it’s something I’m so desperate for.

Love and validation.

I need to get it from the right place.

Sometimes I go back to getting it from the past. If I felt lonely and out while everyone else was laughing and joking I’d zone out and stare off into a corner and try to remember what it felt like. The happy memories. And then when I come back ( which is after a really short time) I’d feel even worse and sadder. It’s like alcohol you feel light for a while and then sink back again.

Not that I know how it feels like to be drunk and high but it’s the best analogy I can think of.

Dream log #17

I’m in this shopping mall, it’s kinda like parkway parade just that it’s completely empty and the whole place is under construction. I’m working there, and I’m just fooling around and playing on this metal scaffolding, Climbing and carefully making my way around. It’s really high up so it’s pretty scary, and you could see the drop through the gaps between the metal planks.

Then I made my way back down and went back to work. Everyone was around my age, and I remember Chloe was in one of the groups.

They needed someone to join the other workers downstairs in construction, so I volunteered because no one wanted to.

It was really stuffy and hot, and the people there were all the typical kind of construction workers. I talked to one of them, who looked North Indian. And he told me that he still hadn’t gotten his pay yet after a year of working. I asked him if he was using his money to study, and I think he said yes.

I can’t remember what happened here, but I left and I was walking along this pathway next to a large canal. On the other side of the canal was a carnival fairground. The grass was really bright and green and the sun was golden and the sky was so blue. There were children on the other side, lined up in a straight line along the edge of the canal. Each of them held a kite in their hands and they were laughing and giggling. It was such a nice sight and I took out my phone to take a picture of their silhouettes against the sky.

But just as I was about to snap a photo, they each took a leap, one by one starting from the first kid in line, and they soared high into the sky.

Then I saw Chloe walking along on the other side of the canal with a group of other youths, and I shouted across to her,”CHLOE look!!!” And pointed to the children who were now somersaulting and dancing in the sky with their kites

“What?!” She yelled and I said that they were Peter Pan children. Because you know, they fly just like Peter Pan.

That’s the last I remember.

And I woke up repeating everything again and again to myself so that if remember it.

Declaration

Some parts of life feel perfect.

I guess its the highroad. It feels like that now. It’s as if nothing can ever go wrong and you’re invincible. Nothing plague’s my mind. Nothing haunts me. Sad thoughts wash away so easily because the present is all that really matters.

But it’s also moments like these when God kinda gets placed on a shelf and you feel like you don’t see Him as much even though he’s always there.

It’s a bit like how it’s only when you’re in trouble that help comes. It’s only when you’re in the dumps that you feel like you have to rely on God the most.

I’m wondering why God is allowing me to feel happy and peaceful.

Because I feel like I’m just round the corner of something really terrible happening. Or if I make some huge mistake and screw everything up. It’s paranoia.

Maybe instead of wondering, I should just be thankful. Grateful.

That’s one thing I want to try to adopt. Being grateful for every day. It’s hard, it’s not something that’s natural to me. But it’s something that I want to try doing. And not only in the good times but the bad times too.

I realised.

Thankfulness is a funny thing. When people who don’t believe in a higher power say that they are thankful for things that no other human is responsible for, it’s kinda strange isn’t it?

When people say they’re thankful for a sunset, or a good day, or ‘lucky’ situations, it shows that we all have an innate gratefulness to something bigger than this world.

Everything sort of changes when you have an attitude of thanksgiving, because one, you don’t give credit to yourself, and two, you don’t take for granted the simple joys in life and the hard lessons to learn.

The way you see things, situations, and people changes,

You change, too I guess.

Okay it’s not a guess, it’s a fact.

But anyways, instead of it being I thought I shall declare my promise in written words.