Conflicted

There’s still this uneasiness inside of me.

I guess it happens when the people you’re close to are everywhere and you can’t be everywhere. And if you choose to be with one you can’t be with the others.

It’s really quite funny. All the people I’m close to don’t really like each other. It’s an awkward position. And so I feel even more alone. Even though I’m not. But I am. You know? I don’t know.

The feeling really sucks. I find myself sighing all the time.

And I spent most of the day in my hoodie with my music. Again. But it’s because I chose to stick with a group I wasn’t very comfortable with. A big group. It wasn’t a very nice first day of school.

What can I be thankful for today though?

I’ll be honest, it’s taking me quite a while to think of something.

That I’ll never really be truly alone. I don’t need love from this world to live. I’m precious in God’s eyes, and he sees the value in me even though no one else does. Remembering this makes me tear up a bit because it’s something I’m so desperate for.

Love and validation.

I need to get it from the right place.

Sometimes I go back to getting it from the past. If I felt lonely and out while everyone else was laughing and joking I’d zone out and stare off into a corner and try to remember what it felt like. The happy memories. And then when I come back ( which is after a really short time) I’d feel even worse and sadder. It’s like alcohol you feel light for a while and then sink back again.

Not that I know how it feels like to be drunk and high but it’s the best analogy I can think of.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s