I remember I wanted to write about something last night but my essay got me to 2:20am and now I can’t remember what it was.
I think it was something good. Something happy. Oh yes.
Before service I felt so tired and empty. And I didn’t help move the chairs. And ended up napping in the cry room. I felt so dead, you know? Like I couldn’t feel anything. That excitement to serve. And for worship later. I just felt really dry.
I think it’s because for the whole of that week, I didn’t take the time to quiet down myself. To just linger in His presence. My mind was always in some other place, constantly filled with worry.
It was like He wasn’t in my life anymore.
It’s scary. How easy it is to shove Him aside and be so caught up in myself.
And I prayed for my brain to not be like that. Indifferent. Hard. Cold. To leave behind everything that I came in with, empty myself and be filled again with the right stuff.
Feathers and things. Not granite.
I guess it’s something that I gotta check every day.
What exactly am I being filled with?
And I drag myself about not even knowing what’s inside of me.
Fallen from a tree on which it grew
Seasons and years that went by
A splash into the cold, salt-water waves
And off it sails, alone.
Some days it gets carried by the wind
Some days the moon’s tides pull
It lands ashore on a rock
And there the night, it stays
It has no will, it has no way
It’s heart belongs to the current
Never stopping, never ending
Off the rock it goes, one day
Alone again In calm waters still
It doesn’t know what it can really do
Waves wash along an island shore
Safe on a sandy beach, once more
It has no home, it has no end
Yet surrounded by a many welcoming lands
Safe and dry it feels in every place
But somehow or rather it never stays
A kind of hope remains as it gets washed away again
That perhaps the next shore will bring it’s journey to a final stop
This hope that lingers, even though it seems an empty horizon,
Should it let the waves take?
Eyes open in a spinning daze
Dreams washed away from shore in a wave
You try to read the cold wind’s whisper
A song only the sun knows how to sing
I won’t say that I didn’t feel disappointed.
I mean, a little appreciation would have been nice.
That’s why I stopped expecting anything. Or at least I tried to.
But I still have that little inkling of want, I should just try to get rid of it completely.
I’m not really sure, if there’s a line between helping and being taken advantaged of.
I guess… It’s the attitude that I take on. If I do want to help, it’s never a matter of me being taken advantaged of but rather just solely on my part being willing to help without expecting anything in return.
It’s hard. It really is.
But I can’t live off other people.
I don’t think I’m too affected by this. Maybe it’s because I’m used to it. And it’s become something quite normal.
Anyways I should just stop thinking about this and move on. Forget it. The more I think about it the more it lingers. Okay I’m starting to feel it’s lingering presence.
Well, it wasn’t really a matter of trying to clear my head of thoughts, but to make my thoughts clearer.
Taking walks are really nice. Okay, so I intended for it to be a nice, cool, jog, but I gave up and walked instead because of a headache. (So fitness isn’t exactly my forte)
It felt like I was in deep murky water. And there were things floating everywhere and bumping into me. Some things drifted in view and I couldn’t see properly for a while. Sometimes I felt like I was drowning. Sometimes I felt nothing. And it felt like I never had clear waters to begin with. It wasn’t all dark, but it wasn’t all bright either. Probably the most important thing was that I didn’t know where I was going or where I was.
Today I took some effort to swim a little. I got too comfortable being in there. A place filled with things but yet meant nothing.
So I found a boat above me and got on it. I’m still in the murky water. But at least now I know where I’m going. I think. Follow the stars and things. It’s a lot fresher up here. And peaceful.
Breathlessness robs you of your sorrows
Anger surges through your veins
You don’t know where this blood is flowing
You don’t really know where you’re going
Then you’re left with broken bones
Then you’re left feeling all alone
You’d rather taste the salt in your mouth
Than the bitterness inside your head
It’s been a while since I tried writing a poem. Sometimes, my mind really exaggerates small little things, or makes the worse out of any possibility. But I guess that’s how I get little bursts of inspiration when that happens.
Honestly, I don’t know what to do with all these poems. I kinda want to share them, because the whole point of writing all these things down is for them to be seen by others, right?
Maybe one day.
I think this is going to be one of those nights where I’d find it really hard to sleep. And it’s already 1:36am, but it feels like the afternoon.
A nice, cold afternoon. That’s really quiet.
I’m constantly trying to find a way out of this darkness.
But I don’t realise that it’s where I’m meant to be. My world isn’t meant to be perfect. Why am I constantly drowning in all my own worries and thoughts and disappointments about how imperfect my world is? My world was meant to be dark so that God could shine, and I could find Him. And also so that I could shine for Him.
Today, I heard
“Set your eyes on me”
I kept getting upset and disappointed from always focusing on how dark the world was that I forgot to set my eyes upon the Light that would guide me through it.
It’s okay to be in darkness, because He will be your light. It’s okay to be surrounded by monsters, because He will be your sword.
As you walk down this path, surrounded by shadows and fear, and uncertainty and doubts, of tall trees and cold winds, or things that lurk, and you never know when they’ll come. Don’t be afraid. It’s where you’re meant to be. Don’t occupy your mind with why you’re here, and what’s going to happen. Don’t fight all the wrong battles.
He will be your lamp and your fire, and as you walk, you might find a few others who are lost on the way.
The rush is real.
Well okay, I still have my potato moments. Couch hopping and things.
It really feels a lot emptier even though I’m stuffed full of things to do now.
I think I know why.
I’m kinda scared for next year. Having to juggle so many things.
While trying to prepare to teach cell this week, I realised how easy it was to get lazy and not give it my all. To rush through things so that I can get back to school work.
So I gave my entire night to preparation instead. I really can’t rush through what God would want me to do. What kind of attitude does that show? Of course I’m giving it my all now because this is the first time I’m doing this. But what would happen if I end up treating it like a routine thing and it loses its meaning? I don’t want that to happen. Ahhhhhh
Well I guess what Bro John said was kinda true, no one ever feels prepared to be a leader.
It’s a huge responsibility.
There’s this classmate of mine who keeps getting teased for being too Holy and things. I feel like I’m not doing anything about it. Okay it’s not the serious teasing and mocking, they’re friends, but sometimes I really don’t know how he may feel about it. I think it’s great that he managed to keep up who God is and stand up for truths even if people might mock him for being too serious about things. And being called pastor Matthew. I think I’ll go encourage him or something.
As for me, I think I need to make more effort in standing up for stuff too. My goal isn’t to blend in but to shine right? And direct that shininess to who God is. Not me. God.
I guess it’s less of relying so much and more of just focusing on caring and showing love.
I don’t have to rely on someone to love them.
I don’t have to expect anything to love.
And that’s what love is.
I really like how C.S. Lewis explained the phrase, “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
How can we love a person when we hate what he’s doing?
And then he points out that it’s been exactly what we’ve been doing all our lives. No matter what bad we do we still love ourselves. Hence, love your neighbour as yourself.
Anyways, yeah, I need to not expect the same kind of care and concern. That’s what I’ve been doing wrong.
Don’t give out love expecting the exact thing in return, or just for the sake of wanting it back. That can’t last.
And I’ll just be setting myself up for a great fall.
Instead, rely on God’s love.
Yes Rachel, stop looking in the wrong places.
It’s true though! When you expect less, a lot of things don’t matter.
And it’s a lot more peaceful, not worrying about things that don’t matter.