2015 and Victoria

Wow.

Today was quite a day.

I mean yesterday. Today’s 1:13am so.

Originally planned to write about my feelings for this year first before next year, but since Ms faith just told me a whole lot about her plans for me next year, I think I’ll start with next year.

I’m really excited!!!!!! I mean, given such a huge opportunity to actually change something, I’m really so thankful.

Okay so I write things very obscurely, I guess I should write a little more huh.

What if I read this again 10 years down the road and I have no idea what I’m talking about? Exactly. Did not think of that. I read some of my old posts and I really wished I wrote a little less metaphorically hahah.

The wind’s crazy strong now, howling against the windows and all. It’s kinda scary.

Anyways, I’ve been asked to take on the role of head of community services in PCS club, because something really weird went on with the year 2s and they’ve all been asked to step down.

It’s really cool because I get to work with organisations and implement projects and everything!!!!

And I get to be in a position where I can encourage people to actually like community service (it’s a problem in recent batches of students according to Ms Faith).

But this is a huge responsibility. I’m not sure if I can handle it much. When she told me, I was actually really shocked, and I mean, it’s an out of the blue thing. Even more than blue. Out of the indigo.

But really, it’s huge. Interviewing people, meeting up with 5 different organisations and thinking of programmes and everything. Making sure things run smoothly and finding volunteers and heads and oh man What if I screw up something??? I’m definitely not the most careful person. I forget things all the time. And I don’t know it just feels like too big a space for me to fill.

To balance this with cell leading and usher directing and school work and friends and family and my own personal alone time/quiet time and I’m just really scared I’m taking on too much.

I don’t really know my limits. I think I can handle it. But honestly, I know I don’t know nuts about anything.

There isn’t really a part of my heart or mind that’s saying no. Every part of me just screams out YES YES YES YES YES YES

If God’s any part of me, I guess that means it’s a yes too?

Either ways, next year just feels really exciting to me!!And exhausting. In a fulfilling way.

I was just talking to Victoria (and trying to convince her to not do the thingy with this guy._. ) but I guess that’s another blog post. Anyways. She said how lucky I was that I had some sort of direction in my life. And she said “Thank God. And F— me.” Hahah.

Which is funny because it’s really true. It’s something that I take for granted sometimes. How much purpose I have because of Him. Without Him, I really have nothing. To live for. Everything I value would mean nothing. And for that I am grateful because He is always there and always will be.

Its hard to really talk to her about God and everything. Even though she’s catholic, her values and beliefs are really really different. And you can’t exactly change someone’s values. It’s something they do for themselves. But I guess I can change what she sees.

Or at least let her see God in my life. I guess that’s how it usually works.

I really will miss her when she transfers out. If she does. Seems like she will:(

She’s kinda the only other classmate I feel completely comfortable with. And I’ve spent most of this semester during school just the two of us and it felt really nice. Though it looked like we were a lesbian couple because I look pretty guyish and no one in poly hangs out in a pair unless they’re a couple LOL.

So this post kinda just went towards her.

She’s really someone who came unexpectedly too.

Never would I have thought I’d be close to someone like her. Honestly. It’s amazing and cool.

Maaan. I don’t want her to leave.

Yeah, I received a lot of news about next year in just one day.

This, and that. Just two actually.

But it changes everything.

Change is okay.

Because I’m changing too.

So.

Oh and today’s my birthday!

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Desiring God

I’m really looking forward to reading this book bro john gave me! He hand-picked a book for each and every one of us, it’s so cool! He’s really someone I look up to as a leader, I hope next year I’d get to know my cell kids well enough that I’d be able to recommend books to them too.

Probably won’t be able to write as much while I’m trying to finish reading.
But I do want to write one reflection thingy for this year. And next year. And okay I’d probably still find time to write somehow.

Strangers again

It’s weird isn’t it?

How someone you thought you knew so well, how someone you thought knew you so well, could feel like a stranger in the end.

People change.

What if the person you knew doesn’t exist anymore? That’s kinda sad.

You know how they say true friendship withstands all time. You could still come back again and talk as if time never happened.

Samuel said this a few days ago:

Funny thing was that I was thinking to myself, “I haven’t whatsapped Rachel for a while”, Then I attributed it to us being close enough where we don’t have to talk much to still be friends

And I said that it hadn’t been thaaaat long, so you can’t really tell.

But I dunno. Now, I don’t think I believe in that anymore.

You have to still talk sometime. Exchange memories. Like Wei Qian. We talk every once in a while and that’s kinda healthy.

We still know what’s going on. We know how we’ve changed. I guess it’s these things that make her still feel like a really close friend.

Close friends talk all the time. Well okay, maybe if you’re really close a few months won’t hurt, but You don’t just go on a break for a year or two and expect to still feel comfortable being vulnerable and honest.

That’s why you have to meet up. Ketchup with each other over fries or something.

It doesn’t matter how close you were in the past.

Just as time heals all wounds, time breaks all bonds. Like that TV show ‘life after people’. After centuries even the strongest of buildings crumble and degrade into nothingness.

Or maybe I’m just being pessimistic.

But I can only watch from afar and wonder.

Crossroads again

I suddenly feel extremely empty.

It’s weird, and kinda scary, how fast moods can change in just a day, actually it happens quite a lot. Feeling absolutely brilliant at the start and feeling a little weird in the afternoon and feeling as grey as the sky now.

Just opened Wei Qian’s Christmas present after they left. It’s really quite awesome.

I didn’t get anyone anything much this year, besides the cards I made for my classmates. I only have maybe about 70 Christmases left to give things to the people I love. I guess this year’s not really one of them. Well, I guess I don’t need a holiday as an excuse to give gifts. There’s always anytime. Like, “Oh I was thinking of you and I thought you’d like this.” Maybe that would feel a bit more special and less like an obligation.

Sometimes, I feel like something’s always missing. I don’t really know what it is. Like now, that feeling is really quite strong.

I’m kind of scared of what I miss.

What if I’m not supposed to miss these things?

It’s a little unnerving.

Wow the sky is really gloomy now. It’s gone a sort of yellowish grey, and this cool, steady breeze is blowing in from the window. Kinda feels like the ocean. Just that it smells more like rain than salt.

I don’t really want to feel like it’s missing. It’s not supposed to be a part of me.

Because I know it’ll never be, and yet it feels otherwise.

I had a conversation with Victoria, she told me that life is all about taking risks, especially now, being young and all, it’s the only time when we can make mistakes and get away with them. It’s the only time when you can do crazy things, and she pointed out how my life was so safe and I didn’t do anything stupid, always playing by the rules, always staying in the safe lines.

Which is her reason why she’s willing to enter into this friends with benefits relationship thingy. Not that i encouraged it, she knows, but I think she appreciates that I don’t force her to choose anything.

I’m kinda at a crossroads now.

It’s not between something that’s right or wrong. And that’s why it’s so hard.

I feel like I have no choice, but I do. Oh yeah, there’s a risk alright. A very very very big risk. It’s one that i’m willing to take because I think it’s worth it. I mean, it’s worth giving it a shot rather than losing all hope and throwing it away, right?

But if I don’t handle this well, haha. ha. I don’t know, it just won’t be good. It’ll be horrible.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. Okay not ‘really’, I absolutely have no one to talk to about this. Not that I can’t, I just don’t want to talk to anyone about this.

I kinda already know what they’d say.

I think I’ll talk about it to God now.

I’m not sure if we’d talk like how we normally talk in Heaven. Or if we’d suddenly regress to old testament english haha. I can’t imagine God talking to me like that though. I just talk in this weird accent in my head, and I hope God gets it, he probably does I mean he already knows everything.

And then i’ll try this art therapy thing.

I’m putting myself into an experiment.

yup.

Patchwork Thoughts

I’m just wondering if I’ve changed a lot this year.

Kinda makes me want to have a long conversation with myself at the start of this year.

Won’t that be cool?? Being able to talk to yourself.

Isn’t that kind of what I’m doing now though, talking to myself, yes Rachel that’s right you’ve been doing this talking to yourself thing for almost a year now.

I guess I can see how much I’ve changed just by reading the very few first posts on this blog.

I think I write about very different things now, and it makes me wonder what I’d write about next year. Or if I’ll ever write at all.

I don’t quite feel the same passion I used to opening up a book. I used to get all excited finding this cool looking book with a really neat title and I’d eagerly scan through the first page to see what it’s all about.

Recently I stepped into a book store, and it’s been months since I last properly looked at a book shelf. And I found myself having a hard time feeling anything from any book I picked out. Maybe it’s because I was looking at the teenage section. I don’t know. I like children’s books a lot better. They feel a lot more real.

So I’m scared that it’ll be the same with writing. Not that I write stories anymore. Or thinking. I’m scared I won’t think as much, or i’d be so caught up with life I’d end up becoming this empty robot that hardly wonders about anything.

——

Nas just made me a playlist!! I really love sharing music with people and when people share their favourites with me. It’s just so cool how different songs speak to different people. It’s like a whole new way of getting to know a person.

Sometimes I listen to songs and I try to feel them. Like I try to feel what it’s like being them when they listen to the exact same songs. And how they would feel. I don’t know if this makes sense, but I realise I do that a lot.

Which is why now I listen to a whole load of new genres. EDM being the most unexpected of the lot. Imagine that, I’d never think that I’d ever come to listen to EDM voluntarily. And actually enjoy it once in a while.

——

I’m not really quite sure what to expect for next year. It’s kind of the time of the year now to think about tomorrows, isn’t it? Everyone starts planning new year resolutions and thanksgivings and remembering things.

I’m just trying to remember how it felt around this time last year.

22 December. 1:46am.

I was probably asleep. Hah. haha.

Oh wait, I can just read what I wrote.

—–

As for now? I don’t know, I don’t really feel anything. Maybe I’ve actually gotten used to change. Maybe i’m not so scared of it anymore. Or maybe I’m still a little too far away to feel anything yet. Or maybe the changes feel a lot better than anything that changed this year.

Change is…okay.

This year has been quite an adventure of its own in a way. Especially with all these new people. New places. New things to learn. Lots of new things to learn.

And finding out more about myself.

I don’t quite know if i’m adding on to myself or if i’m just digging out things that already existed inside.

Tai’s dream theory

I wonder if your dreams really show you something about your mind in the day.

Well there are psychological theories. Like that neurocognitive dream theory or something like that.

Recently, I hardly ever have those cool vivid dreams in some stranger place I’ve never been to before that’s totally bizzare and alien and I kind of miss that.

I can’t even remember any of my dream these past few weeks.

And I have this feeling that they’re all pretty boring dreams.

I just don’t feel anything:(

I think it’s got to do with something that changed. In the day. I mean.

I don’t really know what changed. I have a feeling. But I don’t know. It’s just a theory.

Thanksgiving#INFINITY

When God uses my brokenness and my pain for something so, so beautiful

I cannot feel more thankful enough

for turning the broken clay into something that could hold the tears of another

All in His goodness, all from His glory and in all in his work

Battles inside

You’d think I’d know better by now.

And yet, here I am again, same place, same dark empty room, same holes inside.

Tears that taste the same in my mouth like they did a year ago.

How could I be so weak? I crumble with just a breath.

What’s the use? How will I ever be of use when I’m here in a grave I dug of my own accord?

People get pushed into theirs. I’m the stupid one, I stepped in willingly.

These monsters they prowl in the shadows of my mind. But wait, I don’t even know if there is light in there anymore.

I feed them myself. I let them thrive. I let them burn me inside.

That is why I feel so pathetic, worthless, stupid, and useless.

That’s why I feel like nothing.

I let them.

Because I let these things eat me from the inside out. And if I don’t stop them, one day I really will be nothing left.

They whisper into my ear, “But we are you, you can never get rid of us. We are a part of you, where else could we have come from but yourself? For we are in your head we have always been.”

Sometimes I listen. I believe. And I fall.

But somewhere else tells me they are nothing but a lie.

I am so much more than these things that tell me of my death.

I am so much more than the demons that lurk inside of me.

I am not weak. I have my own battles to fight just that no one outside sees the blood and the fire and the guns that pierce through every inch of me.

God did not create me as a place for monsters and demons to reside.

God made me for love, for light, for joy.

I have let them in long enough.

Waiting

I let it grow, twisted trunks and shrivelled leaves,

Branches crack under high wind speeds

Sail the boat out into sea
Should I expect it to come back to me?

Waves that tear its hull in two
Split ends sail I’m just a fool

Waiting on shores that never recede

fear

Today was…just amazing.

I can’t even imagine what I would have missed out on if I had closed away all hope of ever building bridges with people I’d never imagine I would.

You know what’s beautiful? It’s when you get to catch a glimpse of a heart so open, so willing, so vulnerable, so amazing and special. I just can’t really describe how thankful I am. I dunno, my brain is kinda jumbled up in a mess of thoughts, good kinds.

And for each and every one of us who was willing to set aside all our insecurities, all our pride, and to lay it bare before so many to see, I am so thankful.

God, thank you for bringing these people into my life, even though they were already there from the start. I was just too blinded by the status quo, of change, of the past, to ever see how much more I already had.

But I’m so, so scared of expecting so much from all these people. I don’t want to lose them. It’s like, the more you gain, the more you have to lose, you know? That side of me, the side that taunts, that kills, tells me that things won’t last, to not put my heart in a place like that again, I just feel so much fear.

It really sucks to lose a relationship so special, so amazing, and I don’t know, because it still hurts so much to think that there might ever be a chance that I’d never get it back again.

I don’t want the same thing to happen.

It hurts to lose, it really does.