Crossroads again

I suddenly feel extremely empty.

It’s weird, and kinda scary, how fast moods can change in just a day, actually it happens quite a lot. Feeling absolutely brilliant at the start and feeling a little weird in the afternoon and feeling as grey as the sky now.

Just opened Wei Qian’s Christmas present after they left. It’s really quite awesome.

I didn’t get anyone anything much this year, besides the cards I made for my classmates. I only have maybe about 70 Christmases left to give things to the people I love. I guess this year’s not really one of them. Well, I guess I don’t need a holiday as an excuse to give gifts. There’s always anytime. Like, “Oh I was thinking of you and I thought you’d like this.” Maybe that would feel a bit more special and less like an obligation.

Sometimes, I feel like something’s always missing. I don’t really know what it is. Like now, that feeling is really quite strong.

I’m kind of scared of what I miss.

What if I’m not supposed to miss these things?

It’s a little unnerving.

Wow the sky is really gloomy now. It’s gone a sort of yellowish grey, and this cool, steady breeze is blowing in from the window. Kinda feels like the ocean. Just that it smells more like rain than salt.

I don’t really want to feel like it’s missing. It’s not supposed to be a part of me.

Because I know it’ll never be, and yet it feels otherwise.

I had a conversation with Victoria, she told me that life is all about taking risks, especially now, being young and all, it’s the only time when we can make mistakes and get away with them. It’s the only time when you can do crazy things, and she pointed out how my life was so safe and I didn’t do anything stupid, always playing by the rules, always staying in the safe lines.

Which is her reason why she’s willing to enter into this friends with benefits relationship thingy. Not that i encouraged it, she knows, but I think she appreciates that I don’t force her to choose anything.

I’m kinda at a crossroads now.

It’s not between something that’s right or wrong. And that’s why it’s so hard.

I feel like I have no choice, but I do. Oh yeah, there’s a risk alright. A very very very big risk. It’s one that i’m willing to take because I think it’s worth it. I mean, it’s worth giving it a shot rather than losing all hope and throwing it away, right?

But if I don’t handle this well, haha. ha. I don’t know, it just won’t be good. It’ll be horrible.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this. Okay not ‘really’, I absolutely have no one to talk to about this. Not that I can’t, I just don’t want to talk to anyone about this.

I kinda already know what they’d say.

I think I’ll talk about it to God now.

I’m not sure if we’d talk like how we normally talk in Heaven. Or if we’d suddenly regress to old testament english haha. I can’t imagine God talking to me like that though. I just talk in this weird accent in my head, and I hope God gets it, he probably does I mean he already knows everything.

And then i’ll try this art therapy thing.

I’m putting myself into an experiment.

yup.

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