Eulogy

Today in lifespan psychology class, we covered death and dying.

Ms Lindsay got all of us to write an eulogy for ourselves.

And this was what I wrote:

I’ve always thought that memories were the most treasured thing. And I thought that’d be what I want people to remember when I die. Memories. Of me.

But then I realised that after a while, say maybe 5 or 10 years, you’d probably forget the way I smiled, the way I laughed. The things I said to you and the conversations we shared. You’d probably not remember the times we spent together, the meals we had. You can’t remember these things forever. You just…can’t.

And I don’t need you to.

These are the things that keep you forever trapped in memories that live in another world, a world that you don’t. You’d be forever stuck in a place that doesn’t exist. And life will always be a blur, a mess.

I don’t want your life to be a mess.

But there’s one thing, if possible that I’d want you to remember about me. Just one. If you could.

And it’s how I’ve loved you.

I want to make a difference, no matter how small or big, just knowing that my life was something that gave you something in yours. And I hope I gave you love. Because that’s what’s really left in the end, when my bones decay and my body turns to dust.

And I hope that my love would be, no matter how small, a window of a much greater love out there.

Should you have known of it already, I hope I made it clearer. Should you have yet to know of it I hope you get to know it one day.

If you’re crying, know that I’m truly honoured to have meant something.

If you’re not, well, thank you for taking time out to come to my funeral anyways. Hahah.

As you leave, and hopefully remembering this love, remember your life as well. Mine’s long and gone. I had my chance, you still have yours.

To live. To learn. To love.

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Youth

It’s the adrenaline rushing through your veins from being king of the world.

Liberties stream from lies that you don’t even know of.

Tomorrow doesn’t exist, just live for today.

That’s what they all say.

You feel the high when you’re actually falling.

You feel the thrill when you’re actually dying.

Nothing has any meaning, yet everything means something

Maybe that’s why you’re so confused

Step up onto the throne of the one who knows it all

and mistake a seat too big for you to fill as luxury

Yeah, you know it all.

You’ve got this all figured out.

Looking Back

Looking back, it’s really cool to slowly see why things had to be a certain way, even if it wasn’t exactly pleasant.

Things I thought were mistakes. Or thoughts of “it could be so much better than this.”

And now I’m thankful.

Thankful that there’s a reason behind every season, and a wind to guide me through.

I just hope I’ll always keep that in mind instead of being bitter and worrying about things all the time.

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards.” – Soren Kierkegaard

(Some quote from social psych lecture)

Maybe

Maybe exhaustion is like sadness,

It’s all just a matter of perspective, you know, like the less you think about it the less you feel it.

I hope that works.

Along with a warm shower.

I just want to give it my all.

Mess of me

It’s this horrible feeling.

I’m not sure what it is, and yet I think I know everything that’s causing it at the same time.

That’s why I’m writing now, because I know when things hit me all in one go that it’s time to write.

It’s a mess really.

Inadequacy.

I know I’m slipping away. It’s a dead kind of feeling.

Like, “What the hell am I doing?”

And I would use a stronger word if I could.

But it’s in my head anyways.

It’s an ugly feeling. I feel like I’m turning into something monstrous.

It’s sadness, that I’m in a place like this. Disgust even, at myself.

It’s funny because I look nothing like a monster on the outside.

It comes slowly, creeping, you don’t even feel it coming.

It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t seek Him, He doesn’t feel like a part of me anymore. I don’t seek him even more. It’s like I’ve fallen too deep to crawl back up again. And I compare myself to everyone else. They look so far up there. And the darkness slowly catches up on me, swallows me whole.

Sucked in by the gravity of myself. Fooled by my own pride.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it feels like I belong in that darkness. But I know, I know I’m not.

“For He called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.”

Am I chosen?

And now I cry out, “God, God!”

And I think He’s asking me why I don’t cry that out every morning and every night before this.

It’s not Him who has deserted me, but I who deserted Him.

And I cry out like I was abandoned.

Why would you want to chase after me?

I’m falling, and I didn’t even know it.

Sometimes “Holiness” feels like a fallacy.

Even though I know we’re called to be a Holy people.

Because it feels like I’m putting myself on a pedestal that I don’t deserve.

I think I made a bad mix up of what it means to not be of the world, and needing to be in it.

Because what’s the point of excluding yourself from people who don’t know God and being unreachable?

People would rather talk about sins to sinners.

People would rather talk about God and things like that if they felt that you’re on their level. If they felt that you’re the same. That you’re not too ‘Holy’ to understand what they feel.

I use ‘Holy’ because I know that’s not what Holiness was truly intended for. But that’s what I hear most people use.

And that’s why It became sort of a bad thing for me. Subconsciously.

And somehow I didn’t want to be Holy anymore.

I know, it’s screwed up, but I think that’s the point when I started falling away, slowly.

God never said anything like that.

I’m meant to be set apart from the World for a reason, but yes, I must be in the world and not in my own perfect bubble.

But there is a difference.

How can people see His light when I don’t look any different from the next person?

We’re called to be like Jesus.

Perfect. But in the world. Not of it.

I made a horrible mess by getting that wrong.

You don’t have to be sick to heal the sick.

The U-Turn Sign

If you’re driving down the road

thinking of the U-turn sign

If you’re running down a race

thinking of the end of the line

I say take a final look into the mirror

Before you crash

I say put that song on replay

Before you burn in flames

Because the best lie you can tell is to yourself

You think you’re going back again.

You think you can erase the pain.

Soak your clothes in vulnerability

And stain them red

Before your blood inks

The white instead.

No you can’t go back again

No you can’t erase that pain

Don’t lie to yourself

Unexpected expectations

I wanted to write this down a few days back but never really got around to doing it.

Don’t feel like doing work anyways.

Friday, Ivy asked if she could go home with me, and I said, “Sure!”

And Vic had Jap class.

So it was just the two of us, and it had been quite a while since we hung out just the two of us ever since her new boyfriend came along.

I’m not really nice to him by the way haha. hah. In a joking way, of course. I’m sure he knows. But he’s a little scared of me because I give that -.- face whenever he comes.

Anyways.

I told her how horrible it’d be if two of my closest friends just left like that.

“Well, of course I’d count you in, but you have a boyfriend.”

And we both laughed.

She told me people kept telling her to spend her youth with friends instead of wasting it on just one person all the time. And I said, “Yeah, I mean, you’re gonna spend most of your life married anyways. This is the time to get to know people, you know, not just someone.

“That’s why I’m trying to make an effort to hang out more with you guys, like today, I asked Daryl to go home first.”

And we had our conversations about life and God and people on the train again.

I love how chill she is like that.

You know, It really feels really weird (in a cool way), how really unexpected friends are.

I think I mentioned this before.

BUT REALLY.

Who would have thought I’d be close to that girl in biology class that looked a little scary.

When I first saw Ivy, I thought, Oh man, this is going to be so weird and awkward. She had lip piercings and everything. And she felt really rigid.

And now we occasionally (When BF isn’t around – pretty much never but sometimes) have philosophy sessions together.

Who would have thought I’d end up best friends with the only blonde (Orange-ish) – haired girl on the first day of school?

I told Vic how weird our friendship was. I never thought we would ever be friends because she looked like the really popular kind of cool kid, and our previous conversations were all pretty awkward. And honestly I was just really intimidated by her.

And now we sing and make cat noises and speak in accents and talk about everything.

The thing about friends is that you feel like you’ve known them your entire life when you don’t.

It’s quite a weird (in a confusing way) feeling.

Forever

I’m just thinking about how grateful I am that I am here.

I really don’t know what kind of a person I’d end up to become like if I hadn’t known God.

How much of my life I would have wasted, searching for some reason to be alive.

The mistakes I would have made.

My parents just left for the doctor’s.

And my dad got pretty angry at how stubborn my mom was for not wanting to go to the doctor.

And he asked me to talk some sense into her, something like that.

But anyways, they’re there now.

And I don’t feel worried or anything because there’s always this sense in me that nothing bad could possibly happen to anyone I know.

It’s like this invisible wall of invulnerability.

It’s as if everything was meant to be perfect.

And bad things only happen to everyone else. In the movies. Stories.

Not me.

These things just don’t happen, you know?

But they do.

How can I start to live remembering that life is so fragile to change?

One day could be so different to the next, and yet I’m living as if everyday would last forever.

I know better

I think I’m okay now.

Remembering that this isn’t the worst I’ve been through.

And I know better than to stay that way.

Whatever happens happens for a reason.

I tried talking to God and felt stupid for being in a place where I promised not to go back to again.

Help me to do differently this time. I don’t have to wallow in my own self-pity.