Mess of me

It’s this horrible feeling.

I’m not sure what it is, and yet I think I know everything that’s causing it at the same time.

That’s why I’m writing now, because I know when things hit me all in one go that it’s time to write.

It’s a mess really.

Inadequacy.

I know I’m slipping away. It’s a dead kind of feeling.

Like, “What the hell am I doing?”

And I would use a stronger word if I could.

But it’s in my head anyways.

It’s an ugly feeling. I feel like I’m turning into something monstrous.

It’s sadness, that I’m in a place like this. Disgust even, at myself.

It’s funny because I look nothing like a monster on the outside.

It comes slowly, creeping, you don’t even feel it coming.

It’s a vicious cycle. I don’t seek Him, He doesn’t feel like a part of me anymore. I don’t seek him even more. It’s like I’ve fallen too deep to crawl back up again. And I compare myself to everyone else. They look so far up there. And the darkness slowly catches up on me, swallows me whole.

Sucked in by the gravity of myself. Fooled by my own pride.

Sometimes, just sometimes, it feels like I belong in that darkness. But I know, I know I’m not.

“For He called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.”

Am I chosen?

And now I cry out, “God, God!”

And I think He’s asking me why I don’t cry that out every morning and every night before this.

It’s not Him who has deserted me, but I who deserted Him.

And I cry out like I was abandoned.

Why would you want to chase after me?

I’m falling, and I didn’t even know it.

Sometimes “Holiness” feels like a fallacy.

Even though I know we’re called to be a Holy people.

Because it feels like I’m putting myself on a pedestal that I don’t deserve.

I think I made a bad mix up of what it means to not be of the world, and needing to be in it.

Because what’s the point of excluding yourself from people who don’t know God and being unreachable?

People would rather talk about sins to sinners.

People would rather talk about God and things like that if they felt that you’re on their level. If they felt that you’re the same. That you’re not too ‘Holy’ to understand what they feel.

I use ‘Holy’ because I know that’s not what Holiness was truly intended for. But that’s what I hear most people use.

And that’s why It became sort of a bad thing for me. Subconsciously.

And somehow I didn’t want to be Holy anymore.

I know, it’s screwed up, but I think that’s the point when I started falling away, slowly.

God never said anything like that.

I’m meant to be set apart from the World for a reason, but yes, I must be in the world and not in my own perfect bubble.

But there is a difference.

How can people see His light when I don’t look any different from the next person?

We’re called to be like Jesus.

Perfect. But in the world. Not of it.

I made a horrible mess by getting that wrong.

You don’t have to be sick to heal the sick.

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