Talked to Gen today, and we talked about quite a lot of things.
And we talked about losing ourselves.
I told her about how there was a period of time when I felt happy all the time, and I made myself sad on purpose to get back that part of me that exists in sadness.
The part that felt the most, mainly.
Last night, I felt a pain I haven’t felt in quite a long time, so long I’d forgotten what it was like. It was terrible, the kind of pain that crumbles you into a ball curled up in your sadness. It felt like someone was stabbing me in the heart. Just a sudden stab, and all I could do was breathe and clutch my chest until it went away.
Sounds like a heart attack.
I didn’t write about it because it was 4am, so I just slept.
I like describing pain. I guess it’s because then it won’t feel so strange, and if ever someone reads it they’ll have some sort of understanding on what it felt like. Pain goes away when it’s understood. For me at least.
I realise I hardly write happy poems. Just like how I hardly draw happy pieces of art.
Sometimes I feel like a different person when I write. I guess it’s just a different part of me. The part that’s serious. ish. Old, almost. I don’t feel like a kid here, even though I feel like one sometimes in real life.
Is this who I am stripped bare of everything? My brain speaking, without needing to be pressured socially, without worrying about what people might think, without needing to sound alright and happy, or striving to be interesting. Or is my brain just like this with a keyboard and a screen, with the need to put something substantial and forcing myself to write something decent.
I just don’t want to pretend to be something that I’m not when I write.
If it’s childish, so be it. If it sounds immature, whatever. If it’s filled with anger, or sadness, happiness. Whatever I want to write about.
Because I’m writing so that I can understand myself more.
Gen told me she really felt that this song really understood her. The lyrics are really quite beautiful.
Car Radio – 21 Pilots
I like how these conversations with people help me to go back to reflecting about my own thoughts after listening to someone else’s.