Tangled

Sometimes my mind feels like a dense ball of tangled wires.

The current flowing through the wires makes it overheat sometimes, and I try untangling them.

But sometimes when I try pulling and tugging on the wires, they just end up tightening into more knots.

And the heat starts to sting, and I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Dream Log #22

I’m on the bus, and I’m not quite sure what happened but I suddenly see Victoria sitting on a lecturer’s lap, and he starts breathing heavily in that predator sort of way and I punch him lightly to snap him out of it.

I don’t remember what happened but I also had a dream in my dream. YES. Inception style. I dreamt that I was in a war zone, and we were all hiding in a yellow tent, and I went out to find a Tupperware bowl of water. It was a diluted reddish orange, and there were bits of dirt and droplets of oil in it. I drank it and spat it out and felt like vomiting because I somehow knew that it had other people’s blood in it.

Even thinking about it now makes me want to puke.

And I remember telling someone in my dream that I dreamt that.

Helping

I realised something about helping people.

It’s easy to help people who recognise you for your help, appreciate you, and thank you. It’s a warm, happy feeling, that makes you smile from the inside out, almost like a reward.

You feel good about yourself when you help. And as with anything that gets a reward, you do it again and again to get that happy feeling of someone appreciating what you do.

But what happens when you don’t feel appreciated?

I’ve been paired up with kids who are really really hard to manage for two semesters straight, and it’s really tiring. Firstly because I don’t feel like I’m helping them at all, they don’t even want help. When I offer to teach them a new word they ask me to just keep quiet or they brush me off.

They don’t appreciate me either. And it feels really discouraging every week.

They are kids, and they have their reasons for being like that, but I find myself extremely worn out after every session.

Comparing that to Tuesdays with the REACH kids and how much I love talking to them, I realise that it’s extremely difficult to have a heart for people who don’t even want it in the first place.

And I hear loads of stories of how social work is kinda like that. Trying to do what’s best for someone when they don’t even want the help, or don’t see the need for it.

On Friday, after the reading programme, I just felt so discouraged. What kind of a social worker can I be if I get tired just after two months? And as I was bathing I thought about love. Loving kids I hardly know, what does that mean?

And as with love I remember God.

I guess the only way to have a heart for people who don’t return you anything, is seeing that that’s the kind of love that God has for you.

Love that doesn’t seek anything in return. That’s real love.

And oh how hard it is to love like that.

I hope that one day I’d be able to love like that.

Dream log#21

I had a really weird dream, but I can only remember snippets of it.

I think there was a lion, a small one, hiding in the corner and it protected me.

And there was a house, nestled in some sort of vegetation. It was really open and made of wood. And in there I befriended some people who didn’t have a home to sleep in, and they slept there.

One lady gave me a mug of this sweet cloudy water that tasted like rice. Oh maybe it was barley. But it didn’t taste quite like it either.

And I was walking down a road at night, and I bumped into this lady, and she told me she wants to go to a family service centre and that the ones at Choa Chu Kang didn’t help and so i brought her to REACH.

There’s a lot more I forgot:(

I hardly get dreams anymore, it’s quite sad.

I think it’s 21, I’m not quite sure of that. Well let’s just put it as 21.

Youth

Baking today was really fun, well technically yesterday, since it’s past 12.

I really felt like I could connect with all of them, and they all wanted to partner with me and I feel so happy hahaha. Haha. Ha.

Apparently I’m cool.

I wonder if I’d find who I am now cool if I were their age. None of my friends think I’m cool:(

If I do manage to become a social worker, I think I really want to work with youths. I realise I’m not very good at being motherly to young children. And that’s why my kid at Reading Odyssey doesn’t really obey me because I talk to Him more like a brother than a mom.

You know, how your voice has to go all high and nurturing, as if you were telling a fairy tale story throughout.

And it has a funny accent to it. Still trying to master it without feeling weird.

I guess I find it easier connecting with people if I’m on the same level.

And it’s really easy to be on the same level with youths.

Well, at least until I reach a ripe old age of where I have absolutely zero awareness of what’s cool and what’s not.

I really want to find out what I’m good at.

False hope

Decided to take a walk at night.

And I’m just looking up at the sky. It’s completely black, save for a sprinkle of lonely stars.

It’s amazing. How vast this blackness is. I’m looking into space that goes on and on for millions of light years!

It’s a really clear night and there aren’t any clouds around.

I wish I were in complete darkness. Lying in a field. With the song ‘Berlin’ by RY X playing in my ears. (Or ‘All through the night’ by sleeping at last OR ‘into the dark’ by the lighthouse and the whaler. I do have a lot of songs like these don’t I?)

It’s amazing how solid darkness looks, but it’s the complete opposite. It looks like you could lie down on it, and it looks pretty hard and uncomfortable. But if you stare long enough, the illusion disappears and suddenly it feels as if you’re going to fall through forever.

The solidity disappears and you’re gone.

Kinda like false hope.

I kinda don’t want to be weird and Emo anymore. I just want to be normal.

Today I spent the entire day alone.

I feel pretty okay.

I’m trying to learn how to play the intro of ‘you’ve got a friend in me” on the piano and it’s taking quite a while.

It’s the kind of song that looks pretty simple but is actually really hard to play because the rhythm is swingy and the key is weird but it sounds so nice and I hope I can play it okay.

I don’t want to be darkish. Well, at least constantly in that place. The only reason why it should be good would be that I can use it to understand how someone else feels. Not that my darkness is that black. I’ve seen worse.

I wouldn’t count what I’ve experienced as anything really, I’m not sure if I have the right to say that I understand.

But there really isn’t any point in moping around.