Just talked to Vic, about a lot of things actually. She said a lot of really cool things.
“You did what you could, you reaped what you could, move on and try again. You felt what you could and learnt what you could.”
“Yeah, that makes sense,” I say.
“Not every trial ends with success.”
“And not everything is a game of what you can get out of it, right?”
If there’s anyone I can talk to about pain, it’d be her.
Pain does things to you. Makes you older than your years. Makes you think twice before stepping into anything. Makes you so cursed that you don’t even know how it’s like to love anymore. How to be vulnerable. The risk of that pain is just really, really too much.
With everything you give, there’s a chance of someone taking it away.
But there’s a kind of pain that’s addictive. And she knows how it felt like. I’ve never met anyone else who really understood that about pain before. You’d rather feel something than feel nothing at all.
I’ve heard people say it’s stupid and illogical. I think it’s desperation. A human need to feel.
Or maybe it’s not human. Some people never feel that. Jairia would never rather choose to feel something bad than nothing at all.
Addicted to it yet scared of it. It can’t be a good thing.
It sounds like a drug.
I’m so thankful that I met someone who felt that way before.
Actually, I think that’s what Jolene feels about pain too.
I kinda sound psychotic now. Maybe it’s because it’s going to be 3am.
Some people are just naturally self-preserving, and others lean towards self-destructive.
The two would probably not understand how or why either can/would do certain things.
“How can you just block out your thoughts like that?”
“Why are you constantly making yourself feel worse?”
Something like that.
Guess where I belong.
I kinda like it here actually.
The other side feels really pretentious.
Then again shrouding yourself in darkness isn’t exactly an ideal of reality either.
I guess it’s just what we think of pain.
I’m scared of it, yeah, because it feels like you’re dying. Rotting. Feels like something you can never get out of and never see the end of (though you get there eventually after gritting your teeth)
But it also tells me that I have a heart. And yes it’s still there.
And I learn a lot of things from pain.
And I realise a lot of things too.
A part of me wants to learn how to control what I think and what I feel. Samuel’s really good at doing that. He said he was way worse than me and how easily I cry. And he somehow trained himself up to not cry or think when I needed to so that people wouldn’t bully him or call him names or anything like that.
I really want to do that too actually.
But for a different reason that’s not good at all. Because of pride.
I don’t want to be weak. But that’s the desire of my own rebellious flesh that thinks she’s good enough, strong enough.
But I need to know how to be broken, because that’s what I am.
Just need to be fixed by the right thing to solve this whole pain thing huh.
Okay I need to sleep.