Honestly, I think I hide a lot of things from myself, and I tell lies to myself. Why do I even do that? How is it even possible to lie to yourself? It’s like we’re made up of two separate consciousness.
It hurts when you realise that someone has lied to you. I think it might be even worse when you realise you’ve been lying to yourself.
It’s a time loop.
I feel like I’m in one of those whacky space phenomena you’d see in something like Star Trek. Over and over and over again. Not knowing that I’m living the same thing, stuck and unable to get out. I’ve written about this many times. Here I am, still writing about the same thing.
I want to be a Kintsugi bowl. Mended by gold. Mended by God and no one else.
God, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of being broken without a substance. I still am broken, and always will be. But your gold will keep my broken pieces together.
Please heal me. I’ve made enough of a mess of myself. Oh how desperately I’m calling out to you. Words can’t possibly describe no matter how much I wish they could.
God, I need you. You are everything and more.