Always and Never

I realise I never really wrote anything after that night when I sought closure.

I think I was a little scared. Because honestly, I’m probably burying a lot of feelings and thoughts.

But I think I want to finally dig them out and seek my own closure.

How do I feel?

I guess a word for it would be sad. But I didn’t cry. And I didn’t feel that piercing feeling in my heart I would have expected to. I’m just sad that things change and things go lost every now and then. It’s always sad if it’s something you can never gain back again. Even if I was never meant to have it in the first place.

How someone who was once so close to me could end up being a stranger I pass by once a week and how I can’t even bring myself to make eye contact and smile. Yeah actually now that I put it in words it really is quite sad.

Friendships are rather fragile, aren’t they? I used to think nothing could break it apart. But now I know that everything dies if you don’t take care of them.

I’d like to think that I came out of that night unscathed. That it didn’t do much to my already healed wounds and that it went exactly as expected.

And that it didn’t matter what happened.

I’m honestly not sure if it’s really true. That I didn’t feel anything after knowing that something I said could make someone feel suffocated. Even typing this now, my heart feels rock solid. Nothing.

I find that quite sad too.

Because I know it’s true.

But I’m not sad that it happened. Both the start and the end. i’ve learnt a lot about myself, the things that desparately need working on. I’ve learnt about a dark place, and how I should never let myself stay there too long. I’ve learnt about insecurities and how filling them up with the wrong things can be so devasting. I’ve learnt about what it means to let go of something you tried so desparately hard to keep. Oh man, was that a torture. Maybe it’s because letting go marries the two roots of tough times: Uncertainty, and disappointment. You feel them both, in overwhelming levels.

It was fun, it was exciting, it was warm, it was painful, it was empty, it was everything that I never would have expected it to be.

I am definitely different now. And I am definitely thankful either way.

Let’s always walk forwards and never backwards.


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