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How do you control yourself when you’re boiling on the inside? Utterly shaken, trembling with such rage.

Anger always comes from feeling violated, but it is also a question of what was violated.

God, I feel absolutely disgusting, but yet I find it so unfair. Is this really something that I can take? I felt absolutely burning.

I am just like David. I’m hiding in my room, as he does when he gets scared and hides in his shell. But he was good, as that man screamed at me and he watched everything from his tank, he chose to sleep on the other side of the rock today where I can see him and where he’s closest to me. Or maybe he just felt like it but I’m grateful.

Of course, God is watching me too, but I’m not sure what he’s thinking. Is He angry? Is He sad? Disappointed? Does He know how I feel? Does He think I handled it reasonably?

I kept my voice low, I spoke gently in return even though I was being screamed at, but the last straw was really too much, just imagine a scream that rings through your head and lingers even after a while. That was how loud he shouted. I really had to close the door so that I could vent everything out. And my mom was there and she heard everything. Every swear word, every thought, every feeling. And she nodded, and took it all in. For that I am grateful too.

God, when will I ever know what to do? When will I ever know how to control myself and have the courage to speak up when this happens again?

I never had one apology. Not once. I’m amazed I’m even able to forget everything so far and pretend nothing happened.

That’s all everyone does in this family. Pretend that nothing happened.

honestly I’m not sure if I can think clearly now.

But I just want somewhere to dump all these thoughts in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Trampled

Doesn’t it break your heart to hear the nasty things that people say or think of you?
To be completely misunderstood, to be told lies about?
How does your heart break over and over again but yet your arms are fixed and open wide?
I can’t imagine, I can never understand
Like a rose trampled on the ground 
And I wonder how many times I’ve turned my back on you without even knowing it
 

Discipleship group

Didn’t do QT today…
It was a pretty tough night , more like morning since it’s 1am 
Sometimes I do feel not like going to God even if I’m facing something, I also don’t know why, it’s quite stupid. 

Im trying to figure out why too, I guess it’s because I feel so pathetic like it’s not worth it for God to listen, even though I know it’s not true and God still wants to hear me so much, but I really don’t feel that truth:/

But sometimes you really have to go and talk to God to believe in that truth rather than just know it… And let Him speak to you in His own way. Having a lot of head knowledge can be a bad thing sometimes because that’s all I rely on at times.

My heart isn’t the most soft heart out there, I find that it constantly needs to be broken to realise how much I really need God, but thinking of it now I really would rather have my heart broken than to take God’s love for granted again and again because it hurts him even more than I can imagine.

Feel a lot better now after writing this, most of the time I feel like God speaks to me while I’m writing somehow haha

Do you know why silent cries are the worst?

It’s because you know no one’s going to help you and they can’t 

If you knew someone would help you you’d cry out for your life

But you feel hopeless

You scream and shout and yet your throat locks itself shut

Your eyes burn and tears don’t put out the flame

It’s a war against yourself to think clearly

Wallowing in pain is a self-entitlement on its own

I need to stop being selfish 

Hostage

Can I burn away your fears?

To make firelight in the darkness of your night

And let the glowing cinders in the wind guide you back

To where you first grew your fruits of doubt on the only tree you watered 

I’ll hand you the axe to make splinters of the branches that kept you hostage 

Clearly

I remember I said once that music either lets you see life clearly or distracts you from it.

What do I mean by clearly? 

It’s kinda that refreshing feeling, I don’t know, everything just feels more clear! 

What is this feeling? How do I describe it 

Well you can only feel it when you’re alone. 

It’s when you notice everything, and all your senses kinda amplifies.

It’s a weird feeling

Like you really feel alive, very alive.

But I really love it 

And there are some songs that put you in a trance. 

Like you’ve been disembodied, and you’re no longer there but still there
There’s also music that fills up my entire head and floods out my thoughts. That’s the kind of music that distracts. 

It has its uses.

Why do you love

For the love of Christ controls us, because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised.

(2 Corinthians 5:14, 15 ESV)

I was watching a sermon by John piper last night, and he questioned everyone on why they loved God. Do they praise and worship God because they know that in doing so they will be lifted, or do they desire to be lifted because they know that in being so, they will glorify God? 

Glory is a strange thing. Something that the human mind can hardly wrap itself around. The only glory we are familiar with is in compliments, approval and honour. But God’s glory is more than that, it involves loving us. He is glorified in His love. 

There’s also a difference in being amazed at God when we think of Him serving us.

“Wow, God, is serving us?”

“Wow, God is serving us?”

Being amazed that our God is a God that serves is different from loving that He serves us.

Our hearts should ache at the thought of our God serving, though He is God He is King! 

Our joy should be found in who God is, rather than who God makes us

I think we all have our own dangers and what we find joy in. Some people love how God gives us health, wealth, love. But it’s still all about us. And not Him.

For me, my danger is loving God not because he is God, but because it makes me feel important, like I have some worth in this world, like I’m of value.

Of course it’s true that He gives me worth and that He gives me value, but that doesn’t mean that that’s the reason why I love God. Because underneath it all, it’s still all about me being raised higher, being important. 

I should want to be raised higher so that I can raise God higher. And through that, and only in doing so, may I find the true joy of serving my purpose in what I was created for, glorifying God, enjoying who God is.

There is no other joy than doing so.

Loving God is all about loving who He is

And I was wondering this morning if the same concept applies to people. 

Loving people not because of what they can bring us or how much they love us, but loving people because of who they are.

I was wondering if it was even possible, because we are all ugly, we are full of imperfections, full of sin, and I thought it rather blind at first. That’s how girls end up with abusive boyfriends and still want to stick by them no matter what because they love them ‘for who they are’. But maybe they too love not the man himself but the relationship and the worth it gives. I’m not too sure.

What does it mean to love someone for who they are? Who are they? Is it just on personality? Things that are good about them? But all these things too fade, people change, people aren’t always the same, people will always have things about them that you absolutely can’t stand. 

Than what can we rely on? To love fully, and always, something about them that doesn’t change.

I think I got my answer, 

We love them because they are God’s creation. God’s wonderful, intricate creations. This will never change, and we need to see them the way God sees them.

This applies to all but I’m not quite sure about romantic love because I still think there’s something different added on to that but I’ll think about that some other time.

1:24am

It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything.

I can’t really sleep, and I don’t know why.

I feel wide awake, like it’s in the middle of the afternoon and it’s a lazy, warm kind of day.
But it’s really dark, and it’s kinda cold.

You know, I haven’t really been in a reflective state of mind for a while: maybe pockets here and there, but it’s been a long time since I sat down and wrote something. Thought about something.

Without our thoughts we are just empty shells. Our minds are beautiful.

It is really quite amazing how all of us are able to think different thoughts, all at once.

All around the world, whizzing about in our heads, a chaos of noise that comes together as a beautiful creation, that we may think for ourselves.

That we can choose, we can love, we can create.
Now I’m feeling sleepy. 

Maybe it’s my body trying to keep myself sane by giving me this pocket of quiet time to be by myself in a void of empty space so that I can pick out my own thoughts again.

Now i’m just constantly filled with thoughts from everywhere.