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How do you control yourself when you’re boiling on the inside? Utterly shaken, trembling with such rage.

Anger always comes from feeling violated, but it is also a question of what was violated.

God, I feel absolutely disgusting, but yet I find it so unfair. Is this really something that I can take? I felt absolutely burning.

I am just like David. I’m hiding in my room, as he does when he gets scared and hides in his shell. But he was good, as that man screamed at me and he watched everything from his tank, he chose to sleep on the other side of the rock today where I can see him and where he’s closest to me. Or maybe he just felt like it but I’m grateful.

Of course, God is watching me too, but I’m not sure what he’s thinking. Is He angry? Is He sad? Disappointed? Does He know how I feel? Does He think I handled it reasonably?

I kept my voice low, I spoke gently in return even though I was being screamed at, but the last straw was really too much, just imagine a scream that rings through your head and lingers even after a while. That was how loud he shouted. I really had to close the door so that I could vent everything out. And my mom was there and she heard everything. Every swear word, every thought, every feeling. And she nodded, and took it all in. For that I am grateful too.

God, when will I ever know what to do? When will I ever know how to control myself and have the courage to speak up when this happens again?

I never had one apology. Not once. I’m amazed I’m even able to forget everything so far and pretend nothing happened.

That’s all everyone does in this family. Pretend that nothing happened.

honestly I’m not sure if I can think clearly now.

But I just want somewhere to dump all these thoughts in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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