Different 

Hmmmm… where do I start.

Jairia just randomly texted me a screenshot of an old post I wrote, and that’s how I ended up looking back at this place.

It’s strange, reading things from the past. Like I’m reading someone else’s thoughts because I feel different now.

I’m a lot happier. Less cringey (I hope). Less desperate to prove something I guess.

Hey ho I’m turning 20 this year. That’s about a quarter of my life used up already. I think one thing I treasure about these posts is that there was a moment, that specific slot of time where I was typing something, and I felt those things. Memories age like wine in terms of worth don’t they. 

And as I mentioned to jairia, my brain feels more like mashed potatoes these days. (Or the past year) that’s partly why I don’t really write things anymore. Other than poems. But amazingly, I realised that I treasured my random ramblings more than some painstakingly crafted poem. 

And honestly, I feel like I’ve forgotten loads of things. People always bring up memories I don’t remember. And it’s like they didn’t even exist at all. And I don’t have people to tell me about all my memories. There’s only me.

Things are really different. So different. I’m different. 

I’m going to be starting my first year in university this year. How weird is that? Gotta make new friends again, get into the flow of things. Yet it feels like it’s still a far stretch into the future.

I feel like our twenties are a time of constant change, and decision making. It’s when you have to make all your major life decisions. Pretty scary stuff. 

Think I wanna write more. I saw my grandfather writing in this diary a couple of times. I sneaked a peak at it, and I think it was just about things he did in that day. What he ate. I saw our names. I wondered if he was keeping track of his days in case he forgets. Since he doesn’t really believe in God, his memories are everything. 

OH yes. There is something that I’d want to record down. Last week during service, I went up for the altar call. It was about my family. And I feel like I’ve been suppressing a lot of things regarding them. Feelings mainly. Sadness, mostly. I was just suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, because my grandpa doesn’t really believe in God yet and my dad is slowly (or quickly) slipping away too. It felt like I just suddenly remembered that they are my family. 

My father and grandfather. Family.

And the thought of not seeing them in eternity, for almost the first time in my life, I felt so much sadness. And grief. I think there was a little grief mixed in there. I wouldn’t know. No one close to me has died before.

I cried so hard for the first time in… months. Okay that’s not that far off haha.

Am I a sad person in general? Just constantly not too happy and upbeat. I feel my energy being sucked away by people who appear to be way too happy and carefree.

But apparently I appeared that way to some classmates in poly. Raj thought that I was a happy person.

I am happy. Now. But I always feel this constant gnawing in the back of my mind. A certain confliction. Kinda pulling me back and anchoring me into the sea of sadness even though I’ve set foot ashore on paradise island, with swaying palm trees and constant sunlight. 

Maybe I’m not that different after all.

I feel like… there are a lot of things I’ve left unsettled. Deep down, in the sea, the current just stirs up the sand, again and again and again, there’s never quite a moment of peace and silence. 

But it’s a soft kind of unsettled feeling. I only hear it when it’s quiet enough for me to hear right at the bottom of the sea. Maybe that’s why I hardly write anymore. 

Writing is like diving. And you kinda start seeing everything after a while.

Okay I think I’ve rambled enough for today.

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