Diseased

It’s not the first time that I’ve felt this way. All of a sudden, I feel sick, like emotionally sick, a little bit of fear, guilt, disappointment, sadness, and a stabbing pain – a slow kind. It kind of just creeps into my heart, worming its way through like some sort of infestation spreading its diseased roots all over inside me.

That’s how it feels like.

And sometimes it gets to the point where I start heaving. 

I listened to a song by Charlie Lim (how typical) on the bus today and I suddenly got hit by it. And then again today while I was just eating dinner, I had to stop and go to the toilet.

I don’t know what this is. 

And then I feel like writing a song about it. I think this is what I do with my pain – freudianly speaking. Sublimation. 

Recently I’ve been really feeling this strong urge to write songs.

I feel like I can only create things when I’m sad. Which is kind of sad.

But it’s not like I have anything to be sad about. It’s just that I get these flashes of sadness every now and then. They feel like flashbacks, but with no visions. Maybe they’re just emotional flashbacks. 

I feel like I’ve accepted that these feelings will always be here somewhere in my unconsciousness, like they’re a part of me. 

 I don’t actually want them to disappear. Is that weird? 

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